Life--Wait a Minute and It Will Change

There’s a lesson that is told in most cultures. In Canada, it’s about the weather: “Wait a minute and it will change.” Or, most everywhere on the good or bad in life; “This too shall pass.” All are so true. Right now, our family is going through both some ups and downs. I try to remember the latter adage during the “down” periods and not expect the “up” ones to always last.

Sticking with the clichéd sayings, there is another that is credited to Rabbi Joseph Telushkin’s mother that goes something like, “The only happy people I know are people I don’t know well.” Think about it. When you know someone well, you usually know his or her troubles. When you don’t, you invariably get the proverbial answer “Good” or “Terrific” to the greeting “How are you?”

So, to beat a dead horse, and keep this cliché-ridden streak going, there’s another saying, paraphrased since I don’t remember it exactly, “I wouldn’t trade my problems for yours any day” and most of us wouldn’t if we knew what “your” problems were!

Right now, I’m going through some challenges with my older teen who sees life as one big problem. If he weren’t taking it so seriously, I would be laughing as my longer life has taught me the wisdom of the cliché that “This too shall pass.” I know his angst will pass and his “Why bother?” and “There’s no point” attitude will change. But, he doesn’t know much beyond what is in front of his face and that is the curse of parenting teens. They can be pretty darn dramatic and sometimes that drama manifests itself in destructive behavior.

Another old saw is “What goes around, comes around” and this comes to mind given the horrible times I gave my parents when I was a teen. My mother often said something to the effect, “if you can survive the teens years (as a parent), you might experience all the joy you’re giving us now that you’re an adult.” And, to close out the corny sayings, I’ll supply my own about the job of parenting a teen: “Just keep them alive; there’s nothing more you can do since they won’t listen anyway.”

That is my main goal with my older son now. I think he listens to me sometimes, but most of it apparently goes in one ear and out the other (will the clichés ever stop?) as he explicitly told me recently in a candid moment. While I want to share all the wisdom I have to offer, I also have to accept that he will just have to learn many of the same things I learned, but on his own, at his own pace, and I can’t protect him from many of the hurts that are likely coming his way.

I can do my best to be sure that he survives this period by insuring that he’s not driving drunk, that he isn’t doing drugs by indiscriminately testing him now and then, and by monitoring who he hangs with and where he goes. The problem with doing all of this is that I will not be his favorite person much of the time. As a parent, that is the most difficult aspect of parenting our teens. Doing what is best for them isn’t usually doing what makes them like you best!

I am preaching to my own choir with this revelation, as I often know what is best for me, but disregard it. A simple example is the 15 pounds I gained a year ago, after my ski accident. For the first time in my life, I’m carrying a gut around and it isn’t going away! For the first time in my life, I can’t get rid of it by a little extra exercise and a little less eating.

The doctors actually think that my accident, which included a head injury, might have actually changed my metabolism or “set point” which is the theoretical weight that we each are programmed to have. If true, that apparently means my usual ways of losing those few extra pounds won’t work anymore, as they haven’t, so far. Further, that means I might actually have to really diet.

This is like my son, who may hear what’s best for him and choose not to follow that advice. I know what is best for me now concerning eating and I’m choosing not to follow my own advice. So, why do I expect him to listen to me? What a ubiquitous parental irony, or parental hypocrisy, of asking of our kids what we can’t do ourselves? I know this example is not exactly “on point” but it’s close enough that you may get my point.

All of which brings me back to the title of this column, “Wait a minute and it will change.” My teen will grow up, more than likely. He will survive his teen stubbornness. He will actually develop an adult brain capable of making rational and less self-centered choices and decisions. And, I may actually get him back again, meaning the sweet, lovable boy he once was. We’ll see.

“The Bruce Sallan Show - A Dad’s Point-of-View” Thursdays at 11:00 a.m. - 12:00 p.m., on the Internet via a live stream (or on KZSB AM1290 in Santa Barbara) For all information about the show and Bruce, visit his web-site: http://brucesallan.com/ . Bruce’s column, “A Dad’s Point-of-View,” is available in over 75 newspapers and web-sites worldwide. Find Bruce on Facebook by joining his “A Dad’s Point-of-View” fan page: http://www.facebook.com/aDadsPointOfView . You can also follow Bruce at Twitter: http://twitter.com/BruceSallan .)

Do You Keep Secrets From Your Spouse?

Is it ever okay to keep a secret from your spouse? If so, what secrets are okay and which are not? I would suggest there are times where a so-called “white lie” is a good thing while most of the time honesty is truly the best policy.

An example of a good “white lie” is the ubiquitous situation in which a wife asks her husband, “Am I looking fat?” or “How do I look in this dress?” We men know there’s only one answer, really: “You look great, Honey,” or some version of that.

Yes, that is funny, but many life situations are not. Blended families pose their own unique challenges, especially when both partners bring children to that blend. Children naturally feel closer to their biological parent. Sometimes a biological child in a blended family will want to tell his or her mother or father something without it being revealed to their stepparent. I think this is an example of when keeping a secret may be okay.

I posed this general question about keeping secrets on my Facebook page and here are a sample of the considerable number of responses:

* It depends on the secret, but in general I believe that spouses should not keep secrets; this is your soul mate and best friend...
"Whoever goes about slandering reveals secrets, but he who is trustworthy in spirit keeps a thing covered." Proverbs 11:13
* Before analyzing the secrets we keep from others, it all begins with the secrets we keep from ourselves.
* Lies are usually born of pride and/or fear and there should be no pride or fear in love...
* Oh and as far as blended families...bio has the first allegiance I feel...unless the kids were raised as infants or toddlers. Not many steps agree with this, but blood carries weight.
* Spouses shouldn't keep secrets, however, we are all "flawed" humans, and that is where the shades of gray come in.
* As women, we just need to vent sometimes and I have realized that occasionally--just depends on what it is--that it actually frustrates him because men are "fixers" and we don't always want to fix the problem, we just need to share it - get it off our chest.
* I divide lies into white lies and black lies. White lies are for the protection of others (like focusing on positive aspects, praise, reassurance) while black lies protect me from all the awful things I’ve done (like I was unfaithful) and i should just fess up and take the punishment.

It’s clear that this issue is incendiary and provokes strong feelings and reactions from both men and women. I expect to get blasted for this next generality, but I believe women want “no secrets” withheld, more than men do. My unscientific “A Dad’s Point-of-View” gender-poll at the gym got instant responses from the women that no secrets should be withheld, while the men were more reflective or replied, “it depends.”

When I delved into it further with the women, they too would say that they needed to think about it some more. The example of blended families and children feeling more comfortable opening up to their biological parent and asking that it be kept from their step-parent, usually got an “I’ll have to think about that” from these moms.

When secrets are mentioned, the first thing most people think of is infidelity, which I will also assert may not always be a black and white issue. Again, most women said they wanted to know, while most men were less sure and thought it may depend on circumstances. Rather than delve into what might be an acceptable circumstance to keep an indiscretion a secret, I will leave that for you to ponder. Just by using the word “indiscretion,” I know I’m implying there may be situations where it may be better to keep it a secret.

Okay, I can’t fully resist so I’ll share a hypothetical example. Which would you prefer? For your spouse to have a weekly, intimate, lunch with a co-worker and share their deepest feelings and thoughts (that him or her was not sharing with you) or for your spouse to have a one-night sexual liaison while away on business?

What if the spouse now reveals this secret, this incident? And, what if the partner just wouldn’t or couldn’t forgive the cheating incident? A divorce may follow. Untold pain and financial burdens accompany that process. And the children are now split from a whole family. Was it worth the truth in that case?

Finally, what about things that happened before we were married? Are we obligated to reveal any and every shameful incident from our past? What good would it do? Is it relevant? For instance, any health-related past that might affect our partner or our children I believe should and must be disclosed. But, does everything we may have done and possibly regretted really have to be told?

By now, it’s clear that my position is a nuanced one. I also skirted any and all religious values and approached these situations in a truly secular manner. In no way do I want to imply that such religious values are invalid and, frankly, I believe a religious foundation more often serves all of us best. Honesty is usually the best policy, but life is complicated and sometimes, maybe it’s best to keep some things secret.

Do Men Have Strong Emotional Support in Their Lives?

Do men really have good support for emotional issues, on a regular basis? When a man reaches a certain age and he’s depressed, he’s struggling with his place in the world, he’s going through family problems or a divorce, or financial and job worries, etc., where can he turn? Add into the mix that he’s a single dad and has no immediate family around and you have my situation, a few years ago.

When my marriage first broke up, I was blessed to find a circle of men that supported and guided me through the horrible ups and downs that followed. No, it wasn’t some beer-drinking group of women-haters, nor a drumming in Indian war paint Robert Bly-type of thing. It was regular men, with regular problems, getting together and talking about the real stuff.

I’ve stayed with this group, through various incarnations of men leaving and joining, for going on eight years now. Unlike the stereotype beliefs of men’s groups, ours completely supports parenting and a man’s relationship with his spouse and children. But, unfortunately, this is unusual, as men don’t tend to maintain their close male relationships after they marry, have children, and get further into their careers.

This is a classic case where the men and women differ greatly, since women, even if they’re working, tend to maintain their female friends which provides a regular outlet, in which to vent, to discuss, to get feedback, and to get help. It isn’t always healthy to go to your spouse with every question or concern you might have. As women tend to be influenced more by their feelings, it’s really helpful to us male slugs, that they can bounce something off their friends, before hitting us with it.

Let’s say, for instance, that one spouse has gained a considerable amount of weight. This is clearly a delicate subject and how the thinner spouse approaches this completely determines whether there’s any chance for success. Let’s face it; certain subjects always seem difficult, like talking about one’s sexual intimacy or money issues. Our communication can often be based on assumptions and things that have nothing to do with the other spouse. This is where the feedback from the men in my group often seems to save me from myself before I swallow my foot whole, in the process of making a fool of myself with my wife or boys.

As this relates to parenting, I believe it becomes equally important for men to have other men to turn to. Dads and moms are role models for their children. Study after study confirms the importance of both mothers and fathers in their children’s lives. We teach our children how to be the best men and women they can be. Support from our same-sex friends is a useful form of checks and balances that our own instincts won’t always get right.

Also, and this is key to my marriage, I have these men to talk to before I allow a feeling to erupt into saying something or taking an action that I’ll regret afterward. More often than not, the men will help me to see that whatever I think is such a big deal just as often is in my head or unrelated to me altogether. This sort of help, in which my group sees clearly what I can’t see, is invaluable. It is the classic case of being too close to the situation to be objective.

To be clear guys, I mean same-sex friends, not female friends. Women friends will tend to tell us what we want to hear, to nurture us, when what we really need is a kick in the butt and a tongue-lashing. That’s where men with men make a real difference.

It’s natural to react to our spouses and take it personally, but it’s better to talk it out with your male friends before doing something rash or impulsive. In this regard, I credit the men in my circle with saving my dating relationship, during the rocky times, with ShortRib (my wife), getting me to the altar before she completely blew me off, and improving my relationship with my boys.

So, this column is a call to men out there to seek more male friendships, apart from male friends within other couples, foursomes at golf, other sporting associations, or via your work. How many of those men really open up to you or vice versa?

I know in my previous work-life, within the corporate and cutthroat world of showbiz, that reacting off-the-cuff was usually suicidal. Waiting another day and reflecting, seeking outside counsel, became essential to making good decisions and taking the right action. I equally believe that we need to look at our personal relationships in the same light.

If you men don’t have men friends that you can really talk to about your life, then get out there and find them. Start your own group at a local coffee house, away from the women, or through your church or synagogue. Make the topics of discussion personal and don’t talk just business, which is the fallback talk position, after sports, for most men. The men in my life support me, but they don’t coddle me or tell me what I want to hear; they tell me what I need to hear. We all need that.

Were Your Father And Mother There For You?

This topic is so obvious yet I have yet to write about it. It may be partly because it is so close to home, for my boys. I was blessed to have my mother and father in my life completely and lovingly, until they died in recent years (at 89 and 90). They loved me, supported me, and told me the truth when I needed to hear it, whether I wanted it or not.

As is so often the case, I found their wisdom to be true once I survived my teens and particularly when I became a parent myself. They also modeled a love affair and marriage that was the envy of all their friends, since they knew each other for 73 years and were married for 66. It was a wonderful match. They survived two of their three children, but always stood by each other and I am so grateful for all that they did for me.

I was lucky. Too many people that I know didn’t have such a positive parenting influence. Too many didn’t have both parents in their lives, causing incalculable emotional damage.

Before I was married, I became a Big Brother to a little girl, who was being raised by her single mom (see my column, Lessons Of A Big Brother & Mentor). Her mother had had artificial insemination so there was no father in my “little sister’s” life--not a bad father, not a deadbeat one, nor even a dead one. That hole could never be filled and it was a source of insecurity in her life.

I know other people that held on to whatever hurt feelings they had towards an absent or lousy parent well into their adulthood. Holding these angry emotions ultimately only hurts them. Was your father or mother there for you? The impact that both parents have on our lives is incalculable. And, how we react and what we do may define much of the rest of our lives.

Did you take the path of “letting it go” or, as many believe, did you forgive him or her? Or, have you held onto your anger, allowing this anger to hurt your life every day and also hurt your own immediate family, because it does whether you think so or not?

I know my conclusion is obvious, but I will state it anyway and with conviction. Get over it. Let go. Move on. If this parent is no longer alive or you can’t contact him or her, write a letter and put it away. Read it when you’re feeling that familiar anger. Do not talk about this parent in disparaging ways to your family. Get over it. Let it go. You will feel better and you will bring more joy to yourself and family.

My boys’ situation was one in which their mother abandoned them without much explanation whatsoever. It’s a long story, but they have not heard from nor seen her in over three years.

It’s been my job to help them through this journey. I am grateful that I could provide the boys with the support they needed during these confusing years. But, If you don’t have a strong, loving parent in your life, then you need to find that support elsewhere. It may be a good same-gender friend, a clergy-person, or another relative. But we all need support when dealing with such a large issue.

When I needed support, I found it through a men’s group. I urge you to read my last column : “Do Men Have Strong Emotional Connections in Their Lives”. Men need men in their lives. Trust me on this. I can honestly say that the men in my groups, over an eight-year period, almost literally saved my life three times.

First, they were there for me during the early dark days of my divorce, when my soon-to-be ex-wife occasionally took the boys and I’d be alone in what seemed a very empty and large house. The men helped me to stay grounded and helped me to make good choices when my instincts and decision-making ability was nil.

The second time they made a huge difference was during my courtship of my second wife and, frankly, ever since, as our marriage has had numerous challenges. With the help of the men, I was encouraged to keep my “little boy” in check and attempt to actually behave like a grown-up, mature man, and loving husband. It hasn’t always been easy.

Finally, at a time in my life when I was very depressed and lost, in that I was drifting with little direction in my life and career, they helped me focus. They helped me “get over myself,” and indirectly put me in the direction of the writing that I’ve so heartily embraced and love in recent years--my second career.

I’ve sort of rambled with this topic--it’s a tough one for me and one that hits home. My conclusion is simple. If you are still carrying a pile full of hurt from a parent, whatever the circumstances, get some help, move on with your life, and let go. It may not be easy, but it will make your life better.

She Makes More Money!

A Pew Research Center study called “Women, Men and the New Economics of Marriage (Jan. 19, 2010 by Richard Fry and D’Vera Cohn) revealed that women are making much more money, over the recent past, than at any other time in our history. The study had the following opening: “The institution of marriage has undergone significant changes in recent decades as women have outpaced men in education and earnings growth. These unequal gains have been accompanied by gender role reversals in both the spousal characteristics and the economic benefits of marriage.”

It makes total sense given the changing values and trends in our society and the increasing number of women attending college, now outnumbering men significantly. But, the social impact of these changes might be troubling. As part of the generation that is both responsible for and feeling these transformations the most, I have mixed feelings about this brave new world.

Further conclusions from this report were that “A larger share of men in 2007, compared with their 1970 counterparts, are married to women whose education and income exceed their own…A larger share of women are married to men with less education and income.” What does all this mean for our children who are growing up in this changing environment? I’m not sure and I can only make some generalities from my own perspective.

First, I believe that gender roles are often getting mixed up. When I grew up, boys were boys and girls were girls and we each knew what was expected of us, more or less. As equality has sometimes become the mantra of our times, knowing our respective roles in work, home, and life in general is confusing to say the least. Is this good? I’m not sure.

The report goes on to say, “From an economic perspective, these trends have contributed to a gender role reversal in the gains from marriage. In the past, when relatively few wives worked, marriage enhanced the economic status of women more than that of men. In recent decades, however, the economic gains associated with marriage have been greater for men than for women.”

Is this why we have so many single parent households (the majority being single moms, though I don’t have the statistics at hand to support this assertion)? Is it because women don’t need men to support them or, for that matter, to even procreate anymore? Again, I ask if is this good for men and women, for society as a whole, and most of all, for our children?

I know whenever I touch on gender-related issues I tend to be playing with fire, since I often make generalities in doing so. Generalities are a fact of life. But, they can and often get people upset when they know of exceptions to them. Of course, there will be exceptions to most generalities, but they’re “generalities” because they apply to the “general” majority. It is a generality to say that most men are taller than most women. Is that sexist, true, or just a generality? You know the answer.

Another fact reported in the Pew report, which is surprising on the surface but also makes total sense, relates to how these gender reversals have been impacted by our current economic malaise. They declare that “it [the economic downturn] has hurt employment of men more than that of women. Males accounted for about 75% of the 2008 decline in employment among prime-working-age individuals (U.S. Bureau of Labor Statistics, 2009). Women are moving toward a new milestone in which they constitute half of all the employed. Women’s earning grew 44% from 1970 to 2007, compared with 6% growth for men.” They go on to state the fact that this “sharper growth has enabled women to narrow, but not close the earnings gap with men.”

Do you wonder how this has affected the institution of marriage? The report goes on to declare that these trends have affected the institution of marriage itself. It says, “Americans are more likely than in the past to cohabit, divorce, marry late or not marry at all. There has been a marked decline in the share of Americans who are currently married. Among U.S.-born 30- to 44-year-olds, 60% were married in 2007, compared with 84% in 1970.”

Do you still think generalities are inappropriate to use? And, what conclusions might we reach from these trends and gender role changes? I will state that I think it has created a lot of confusion for boys and men while empowering too many women to make selfish choices that exclude men from their lives and/or the lives of the children that they may choose to have on their own.

Of course, I believe in equal pay for equal work. Of course, I also believe that true sexual harassment is wrong. And, of course, I believe that many of these gains in women’s rights and opportunities are for the best. Yet, I also believe that we’re in the middle of suffering a downside to these apparent positive gains, which we won’t realize or recognize until several generations have passed. Since we are in the epicenter of these societal changes, it is unlikely we can be objective enough to see exactly what good or bad we’ve wrought. Time will tell.

What Happened to Shame?

The other day I was listening to a radio talk show that was quoting an article from the New York Post about the popular dresses for this year’s high school proms. According to the article, callers, and talk-show host, the choices ranged from sleazy to stripper. One caller said she went shopping with her daughter and they could find nothing that either would consider appropriate for her to wear.

A quote, in the article, came from a dress store owner in New York who described this year’s style choices as pretty much saran wrap or worse, as far as exposing the girls’ bodies.

It brought to mind the extreme changes in societal attitudes regarding shame. It no longer exists among much of our secular society. We see regular examples of celebrities who skirt what used to be career-threatening episodes with little more than a slap on the wrist. In the case of an infamous hotel heiress, her “accidentally released” sex video actually propelled her to fame with her sordid behavior.

Some sports stars regularly get caught doing things that in the past might have caused ruin to their personal lives and careers, whether it is the use of drugs or infidelity. Ironically, it seems that only gambling, as in the case of a well-known former baseball player who bet against his team, seems to cause some damage to a reputation.

For that matter, the whole notion of “reputation,” to many people, seems to have gone in the trash heap along with shame! There was a sixties song, called “My Boyfriend’s Back,” by the Angels, that had the lyric, “He’s gonna save my reputation.” Doesn’t that feel quaint in comparison to the lyrics of Lady Gaga or any of the hip-hop and rap artists today?

Let’s not even talk about our politicians. The fact that some politicians can avoid resignation and shame when they are exposed in a scandal is in itself shameful. They sometimes apologize, spouses by their sides, in a carefully choreographed, tearful, public display for the likely purpose of retaining their jobs. The specific examples are too numerous to name as well as unnecessary. I’d rather not add to the tabloid fame of these individuals who, more often than not, are famous for their infamy.

In old Hollywood, there were publicity people at all the studios whose primary job was to protect their charges, the actors, from themselves and their occasional lapses in what society viewed then as acceptable or unacceptable behavior--aka “shame.” The gossip columnists of the time could ruin a career by exposing an infidelity or inappropriate behavior or comment by a star.

Now, it’s often the opposite as this behavior seems to be celebrated and often enhances careers. Such exposure is often courted with shame not the result at all--instead, it may bring a reality show.

As a parent, I believe all this change in attitudes is dreadful and gives our children less heroes to emulate and encourages deeds that can be harmful and destructive. The idea that middle-school girls will text around naked or partially naked photos of themselves is a perverse outgrowth of our current permissive society, especially in our bigger cities, less religious households, and generally more secular country.

Teenagers cannot self-regulate because that part of the brain is not developed yet, so they need external controls. That is why having the concept of shame in society seems useful. But the challenge is how will that counteract street cred or the drive to differentiate yourself from your parent? As we become adults we develop the ability to look at the long-term consequences of our actions. Teens and children only live in the now.

I say this state-of-affairs stinks and that the idea of shame as a societal discouragement is a good thing. It kept me from doing things I might have otherwise regretted, as it did the same for my childhood friends. The loss of shame as a “consequence” in our society is a loss for the innocence of childhood and the responsibility of adulthood.

Speaking of radio. the “The Bruce Sallan Show - A Dad’s Point-of-View” can be heard Thursdays at 11:00 a.m. - 12:00 p.m., on the Internet via a live stream (or on KZSB AM1290 in Santa Barbara)

Right now, the format of the show is in five segments. The first one features me introducing each show, giving the call-in and e-mail information, taking calls, and presenting each week’s topic. What follows next are three segments, each with different guests, “The Men’s Room,” “Teen Rap,” and “Single Parent Seeking.” The last segment is me, again, wrapping up the show with a summary of what was discussed, more calls and e-mail, and a peek or tease about next week’s show.

It’s a fun and challenging new venue for my views on parenthood, marriage, teens, boys, gender issues, and all the other things I like to write about. I hope that you’ll tune in sometime, listen to the archived shows, and call or e-mail if you’re particularly interested in a given show’s topic.

For all information about the show and Bruce, visit his web-site: http://brucesallan.com/ .

Your Kids Need You, Even When You’re On Vacation

I learned something very simple, very basic, and very important about parenting while on vacation, overseas, these past three weeks. I was being selfish. I have two teenagers who needed their dad, and this three-week trip was an indulgence that wasn’t necessary, was too long, and resulted in my not being there for my older son when he needed me.

As luck would have it, I got sick and we returned a few days early, right as his crisis was in full bloom. Only due to this odd, lucky timing was I able to get down and talk with him, and address his anger and issues. I could support him as he continues to struggle through his teenage hormonal and otherwise raging insanity. In other words--normal teen growth and development.

My wife, to her credit, recognized the same thing, that we were gone too long, while we were on the trip. The e-mail and occasional phone calls were enough to reveal that having a good babysitter, in this case a wonderful single mother isn’t sufficient when your kids need and want YOU. It won’t happen again and we’re in full agreement on this.

The other thing that became abundantly clear to me was that those children without dads (or mothers for that matter) really do suffer. Okay, this isn’t some new revelation for me, but when I reflected on how my son wanted his dad around when I was just gone for a few weeks, I thought about those children without dads in their lives all the time. No wonder it’s a societal problem of such substantial magnitude.

One of my first parental theories and assertions, which I wrote about in my very first column, “There’s No Such Thing as Quality Time,” (find it in “My Columns” on my web-site - brucesallan.com) is that good parenting only works when you’re there--a lot. You cannot schedule important moments with your kids, moments when they’ll open up in the same manner that you might schedule a business appointment. It only happens when you’re present, on a regular, full-time basis, if possible.

I recognize the time limits that single parents have and I don’t want to imply that single parents are being negligent. Rather, I want to assert an ideal that is not always possible but, in my case, is completely possible. I chose the selfish interest of an exotic vacation over my sons’ best interests, in a classic case of the cobbler’s kids going without shoes. I know better.

So, what was the big drama? What was so important that I had to be there? Actually, it doesn’t really matter though I will share some of the details. What mattered is that he wanted me there; he wanted to discuss his hurt and angry feelings, and there was no appropriate surrogate. I could feel some of this when I tried to get him to express himself via e-mail. He doesn’t like to write; I do. So, that didn’t work. But, I wasn’t reading between the lines enough and maybe I should have just come home earlier.

Almost immediately upon my return, my 16-year-old son and his girlfriend wanted to talk with me. Her mother was out of town and her stepfather was very sick, struggling to take care of himself at the moment (nothing serious). During this period, he wasn’t answering his phone. So, they had no one.

They faced a very typical scenario, one that we read about, one that is often depicted in a humorous light in movies and television. They attended a party of peers, with supposed parental supervision, in which things got out of hand. There was too much drinking and a little bit of drugs going on. As neither my son or his girlfriend have their own license or car yet, they faced the choice of getting a ride home with one of their drunken friends.

Thankfully, some of our parental lessons actually took hold, as they turned down those rides and spent the night on the floor at the house where the party took place. The next morning, when I arrived home, they walked the distance from the party to our house. Upon arrival, they immediately wanted to talk about it.

We discussed the obvious rights and wrongs of what had occurred and I took my son’s girlfriend home. Her stepfather, by then, was feeling better, so she was not alone.

Later, my son and I had a deeper heart-to-heart talk in which he opened up about the situations that had been plaguing him during the past few weeks, beyond a wild party that got out of control. Alone together, he actually broke down in tears at one point, and I did my job of dad by listening, not judging, and gently offering solace, advice, and feedback.

You can’t do that when you’re thousands of miles away. Of course, parents need their time alone and there’s no guarantee that something won’t go awry the moment you leave, but for me it was clear that I was gone too long. When they’re grown and gone, they’ll be plenty of time for such long trips. This time, I blew it. There was no long-term damage, other than some self-recrimination from which I will survive, to quote songstress Gloria Gaynor!

Do Women Need Men?

There was a slogan in the early days of the feminist movement that went something like, “A woman needs a man as much as a fish needs a bicycle.” I was part of that generation, that also said, “Don’t trust anyone over 30,” among other things equally foolish. I seem to remember that whoever said that, about not trusting someone over 30, was a rock ‘n’ roll star that still tours, now in his 60’s. I wonder if he’s changed his mind? For my money, the only good thing that came out of the sixties was the music. I just wish more performers and Hollywood in general would just stick to their craft!

My former showbiz life coincided with the breaking of the so-called glass ceiling, which was quite real for a long time. Many women were now reaching the corporate and other hierarchies that had heretofore been denied them. However, instead of bringing their feminine instincts, skills, and traits to these newfound positions, many were adopting the worst of the existing masculine behaviors and habits. They were going to be just as tough, just as hard working, and just as ruthless.

Unfortunately for that generation of women, they woke up one day, past their childbearing years, and realized they’d been sold a bill-of-goods. They may have had a pretty full Rolodex, but many were lonely, unmarried, childless, while most of their male counterparts had families and personal lives.

Like all revolutions, this shift in women’s roles in society has recently begun a healthy move towards the center. I now think women actually have more choices than men. At the height of the feminist movement, a stay-at-home mom was disparaged. Thankfully, we’ve grown past that narrow-mindedness, to a better appreciation for those moms that do stay home. And, more appropriately society is respecting those that also work. Dare I say that this standard is not the same for men?

I know from personal experience that the single dad is tolerated, but not appreciated or much respected, despite all the rhetoric. When I joined my boys’ elementary school parent-teacher association, I was all but shunned. It took a while for me to realize the women were just not comfortable with a man in their midst. But, I have to confess it hurt at a vulnerable time in our lives.

So, I took my toys and went to play in my boy’s classrooms, where their teachers actually appreciated my contributions. I chose to give money directly to their needs rather than to the parent-teacher association, where I wasn’t welcomed. I loved this direct interaction so this proved to be a happy solution.

But, back to the subject of this column--do women need men? I assert an absolute YES. Just as men need women. We compliment each other and, as is well known, men actually live longer married than single. But, while there isn’t a counterpart for women, who usually outlive men and do better alone after a long marriage, I assert that in the formative, childbearing years, women need men as much as ever. We learn from one another; we grow; we are challenged. That makes both genders stronger.

The notion that women can procreate by other means and therefore truly don’t need a man is just selfish and foolish. Further, it irrevocably denies the children even the possibility of having a dad in their lives. I’ve been a Big Brother on and off over the years, and the single moms in Big Brothers know darn well the value of a man in their sons’ lives. Sadly, they rarely match girls with the Big Brothers-- a fall-out from litigation, lawyers, and fear. This is so tragic, as the girls without fathers need the male adult figure just as much as the boys do.

Some gender facts are just not PC (politically correct) in spite of their historical and empirical truth. This notion of our respective need for the opposite sex (I still dislike the PC use of “gender”) is just bunk and destructive. Let’s recognize that men and women each have something quite valuable to bring to relationships, to children, to society, and to each other. And, let’s acknowledge and celebrate those differences.

I’m grateful that my wife is a woman and has female instincts and desires. It enriches our family and me. While I still would like to stay a slob, let my kids have messy rooms, occasionally allow a pile of dishes in the sink to accumulate, let my dogs sleep on the bed with me, and forgive similar sins of my boys, she keeps us in line. In turn, I bring some “fix-it” to her problems as well as practical get-it-done approaches to many things that I know benefit her.

I’m glad I’m a man; I’m glad she’s a woman. That’s the way God made us and that’s the way it should be.

Being Right Is Not Always Good Enough

How often have you made a choice, in which you knew that you were right, yet it turned out wrong? If we, as adults and parents, can do this, what can we expect from our children, especially our teens?

I still can’t get over the fact that human brains don’t fully develop until their early twenties. I learned this from a lecture by Dr. Bruce Powell, dean of a local private school, and expert on raising teenagers. So, for teens, their judgments, empathy, and other functions, like knowing when to keep their mouths shut, just aren’t present. Yet, we expect them to often behave as if they were fully adult.

Knowing our teen’s limitations is the first step in knowing how to be the best parent you can be. Knowing my own failings and character flaws is further awareness for being that good parent that I’m always trying to be and advocate. In this regard, speaking from experience, letting go of my ego is often the biggest challenge.

I remember a painful situation when a close male friend disappointed me. A group of us had a big trip planned to Thailand and I allowed my “hurt feelings” to motivate me to come up with a lame excuse to bail out on the trip. Who did I end up hurting, regardless of how “right” I felt? Only me. When they returned from the trip, glowingly describing the grand adventures they had, I still felt “right” but I was the one that missed out.

Our kids rarely take the time to mull over a decision and its consequences. Our job is to try to guide them without always lecturing them so that they just turn off the volume. You can always tell when that happens by the blank look on their faces when you’re still droning on, oblivious to their having turned you off long ago.

So, since our teens don’t have mature brains, literally and figuratively, it is incumbent upon us to teach them that maturity and help them make the right choices. They are too often guided by their “feelings” rather than good common sense--and, to some degree, by their peers. Our kids are more interested in approval of their peers’ than approval of their parents, so it really is like the blind leading the blind.

A painful example of how this manifests itself took place in our household shortly after the holidays. As we’d all been apart during the Christmas season, when we had our first meal together we continued a Friday-night tradition that our family has of sharing the best and worst things that occurred in the previous week. In this case, we all had many things to share, as we’d been apart for several weeks.

My wife and younger son began by sharing the many terrific experiences they’d just enjoyed on their trip to Japan and Hong Kong. It was joyful to hear, and I was so glad it turned out well for them. In their absence, I had the chance to have some really long-neglected alone time with my 16-year-old who, for the most part, has been consumed by his self-involved life and his girlfriend. That time was indeed special to both of us.

So, when it came his turn to “share,” he tactlessly expressed that he was glad that his step-mom and brother were gone, since it gave him some great alone time with his dad. I know what he meant, he knew what he meant, but the words were clearly indelicate and hurt my wife’s feelings. He tried to cover it up, as he saw the look of hurt on her face, but the damage had already been done. I didn’t really recognize the mistake he made until much later, as being his parent since birth, I knew him better, and didn’t at first even see a problem.

I later realized it was a classic example of the teen brain speaking before thinking. Sadly, my wife took it too much to heart and really allowed his poor choice of words to create an ongoing awkwardness between all of us. And, sadly, I didn’t “get it” soon enough to assuage her feelings and “fix” the situation. Remember, we men always have to “fix” it, if possible.

Who was right and who was wrong was irrelevant, but it became a lesson for my son in learning to think a little bit, before he speaks, and it became a lesson for me in recognizing when my wife might be hurt quicker than I did. I think the ultimate lesson, for all of us, is not to hold onto being right but be more concerned about being kind, thoughtful, and aware of those close to us and how things we do may affect them. I’m still learning.