Corrupt

Every time a species is threatened human freedom is diminished. The rights once enjoyed by freedom-loving people are being transferred to the animal kingdom with breathtaking speed. I will attempt to explain why.

Peel back the layers of the policies that have diminished our rights and you will find the motivation for this in a small kernel at the very core. It is this: Nature suffers because of humans. This misguided philosophy is corrupting modern science and politics.

This explains why right now -right here- humans are losing the rights to their property when numbers of salmon dwindle. It’s man’s fault. If you live near a stream, a wetland, or a shoreline, you must give up the right to use your property because “the science says so.” End of debate!

Much of biological science today is tainted by this basic anti-human bias. It is literally embedded in the coke-bottle lenses that many scientists wear and it infects everything they see. When science becomes specialized and narrowly focused it becomes fraught with value judgments. A forage fish specialist can oppose all development and dictate “buffer zones” that limit the use of private property so that fish can have the proper amount of shade, but it would be disingenuous for him to claim he is not making a value judgment.

The common underlying assumption is that the human species negatively impacts all of nature. Without us -the fish would flourish- except science can’t examine the evidence of this conclusion. This crusade to save nature from the ravages of man assumes that man is not part of nature. This is an unreasonable and biased assumption.

There are hundreds of examples where scientists have overstated their case with an alarming degree of certainty but we can easily observe that scientific conclusions are reversed almost daily. Could it be that this fuzzy lens of prejudicial ideology actually distorts what is observed? If not, then all truth would be known and the debate about the universe would be over.

Politicians are easily fooled by policies they believe are dictated by science. Almost every big regulatory program imaginable can be enacted in the name of science. It is convenient when policies are backed up this way because it eliminates the need for honest debate and gives politicians cover. This can lead to laws that validate the idea that humans are the reason nature suffers. More specifically human freedom is the problem -and it must be limited before we destroy the planet. It is upon this premise that our liberty is being destroyed -in the name of (best available) science- our fundamental rights are stripped away. This must be resisted.

If we allow science to dictate law, then politicians are likely to panic every time a new study comes along that warns of a crisis. For example, if all of science reaches “consensus” that the sea level will rise ten feet in the next two years should politicians immediately require a massive program to build seawalls around the country to keep the flood waters at bay? Or should they just let individual free people make their own decisions about how to respond?

When policies are enacted with little regard for human freedom and property rights, there will always be unintended consequences. Too often a massive regulatory program is forced on people to attempt to solve a problem that doesn’t exist. When the problem is not well defined, policies may to do more harm to the species it was intended to protect or fail to fix the perceived crisis. In the process, economic development is quashed and liberty is diminished. We don’t have to destroy the economy or human freedom in order to treat nature decently.

(Gordy graduated with honors from Seattle Pacific University with a degree in Philosophy. He also attended Theological Seminary. He has spent most of his life sequestered in the remote San Juan Islands where he has survived by fishing, hunting, and growing prize-winning vegetables. He once owned a small chain of grocery stores in the islands. He has served on many committees and has held elected office. )

Naked

An eagle -just hatched- is a helpless and sorry-looking creature. No feathers. He is naked flapping around in the nest waiting for his mother to feed him. Soon he will grow into an independent free majestic bird with plenty of feathers to cover his nakedness and give him dignity. Because of his magnificence the eagle was named by the founders of this nation the symbol of our freedom and liberty.

Liberty and property are fundamental principles of our country. As freedom-loving people we understand that our labor is our own. We are not slaves to any master unless we freely choose to be. This is true liberty. The fruit of our labor is our most precious possession. We are free to choose what we will do with it. For many free people their home and land is the fruit of their many years of hard labor. This is why liberty and property are inseparably intertwined.

Our nation was founded upon this principle of liberty and property being a fundamental right for all to enjoy. Without it we become slaves to the state and the fruit of our labor is not ours to keep. Our revolution was fought over this principle.

We may need to fight it all over again because our basic right of property ownership is being incrementally stripped away from us. In many cases our rights to use the land we have earned with the fruit of our labor are usurped. It is like occasionally plucking one feather out of the bird at a time. It begins when rights are taken from others. If a law is passed that prohibits our neighbor from building a home on the parcel next door we can shrug and say, “I’ve got mine.” No one will miss one feather from the bird. When your feather is plucked no one will stand up to defend you either. This is how it happens. One feather is plucked at a time and soon the bird is naked. The majestic free bird becomes a helpless creature waiting for his mother-state to toss him a scrap.

If we refuse to be dependant slaves of the state waiting for scraps to be tossed our way, then we need to rekindle the fires of liberty and freedom. It is time to stand up and reject the massive regulatory programs that strip our property rights away from us. Because we are a nation of laws governed by a constitution we should never be denied our God-given rights but we must constantly fight for them.

We need to question the premises of the elites who would take our property and liberty to protect us from ourselves or to save the earth under the guise of green self-righteousness. We have only ourselves to blame if we let the bird become plucked naked.

Quiz

If you have been following local politics and events in the Island Guardian, you should have no problem “Ace-ing” this quiz. A good score means you have excellent comprehension skills. It is an “open book” multiple-choice test. In other words the answer is provided for you. It’s just hidden. There are no penalties for using the archives of the Guardian to cheat. Let’s begin:

1. “Open Government” is:
a) A process where important public policy issues are discussed behind closed doors.
b) Defined as Sub-committee meetings held in private which exclude the press and the public.
c) A campaign promise that each candidate made to the voters but they had their fingers crossed the whole time while their lips were moving.
d) None of the above.

2. The Ferry Advisory Committee:
a) Since its existence has dramatically improved our ferry service.
b) Consists of hard-working citizens with good intentions who have been largely ignored by the people who run the Department of Transportation.
c) Sits in the Ferry Pilot House helping the Captain steer around the rocks.
d) Makes up the funny names for Ferries.

3. The Solid Waste Advisory Committee:
a) Recently made a recommendation to the Council that ignores the comprehensive plan and other matters of law.
b) Should shut down public input at its meetings especially when making decisions that may destroy property values in neighborhoods where they plan to move a new dump.
c) Should never consider costs to taxpayers when making recommendations.
d) Should do none of the above.

4. If you get a threatening notice from Community Planning and Development that indicates your house has not passed final inspection, that attempts to extort fees, and accuses you of violations of law, you can assume:
a) Someone has been busy shredding old files. You should disregard this letter.
b) Permit applications have slowed down and someone is trying to look busy in order to protect and justify their job.
c) This Department is desperate for money and will stop at nothing to get it from taxpayers who they intend to shake down until they bleed them to death.
d) Good news! After 3 years the permit for your new garage has finally “popped” and you can start construction soon!

5. After spending more than half-a-million taxpayer dollars on an Environmental Impact Process to evaluate sites for a new transfer station, the Public Works Department should:
a) Make its recommendation to the Council before the study is finished and prior to public review.
b) Never depend on the conclusions of their studies but instead move forward with their agenda and move the dump any damn place they want.
c) Propose another site that has not yet been considered and urge the Council to pay more than twice the market value for it.
d) Advise the Council that they should ignore the frickin’ NIMBY’s who oppose this and go ahead with a plan that they can’t afford and hope for a bailout.

6. When private property may be needed in the future for the public good, like the Orcas fuel dock, the County should:
a) Pay any price for it even if that means they could not sell it again for half the purchase price.
b) Use the process of ‘eminent domain’ to acquire the property for the benefit of the taxpayers.
c) Count on a state recreational grant to pay for it that a department head tells them is surely going to come through.
d) Stick it to the taxpayers when the grant fails to materialize.

7. Property held in common by the island community, promised to our fellow comrades for subsistence farming, and managed by a central unelected board is an example of:
a) Socialism.
b) Communism.
c) Land Bank.
d) All of the above.

8. The Marine Resources Committee should spend our tax money for an ad in the Fish and Wildlife regulation brochure that informs sport fishermen about additional restrictions and voluntary closures in our islands in order to:
a) Inform sports fishermen that they should stay the hell away from the San Juans!
b) To promote the local economy and small businesses who depend on sport fishing and whale watching for their revenue.
c) Promote responsible behavior in fishermen who because of their ignorance are responsible for the destruction of our shared pristine environment.
d) Give away all the places that have been voluntarily closed for years that might contain big fish!

9. The purpose of the Noxious Weed Board is:
a) To promote socialism
b) To trespass onto your property, pull your noxious weeds, and send you a bill for performing this essential community service.
c) To use police power to end the plague of Spurge Laurel.
d) All of the above.

10. We should not be concerned about the millions of gallons of sewage Victoria B.C. pumps into our local waters each day because:
a) Poop is natural.
b) The whales and seagulls do it too.
c) It is not politically correct to criticize our ‘Super Natural’ neighbors when we are guilty of environmental sins too.
d) We should be concerned. We should send a team of trained seals in to plug up the outfalls and end this ghastly practice once and for all.

(Gordy graduated with honors from Seattle Pacific University with a degree in Philosophy. He also attended Theological Seminary. He has spent most of his life in the San Juan Islands. He once owned a small chain of grocery stores in the islands. He has many years of active participation on utility boards and in countywide planning under GMA including membership on the original Citizens Committee for drafting the Comprehensive Plan, Vice Chair of the Countywide Steering Committee, and Chairman of the San Juan County Planning Commission. Most Recently, he served our community as an elected
Freeholder from District)

the correct answers to the quiz are:
1. d
2. b
3. d
4. a
5. c
6. b
7. d
8. d
9. d
10.d
Now wasn't that fun?

Vaclav Klaus

Big cities are very similar. I don’t like big cities. Sure, there are some good things about them, but I don’t want to live in one. Driving around in a big city is no fun at all. Especially when the only vehicle you have is a pick-up truck with limited vision.

I had reservations at the Sheraton. I did not know what exit to take until I saw that the Hotel was a big skyscraper. I quickly changed lanes and saw a middle finger out the rearview mirror (How un-island-like, I thought). Since I forgot the address I was trying to locate the hotel by looking up through my sunroof.

It was hard to see around all the tall buildings but I discovered that one of the best ways to get a clear view is to slow down in an intersection and look up in both directions. This is also a good way to get the finger. There it was again. My hotel was down 2 blocks on the left.

After a few more turns around the block I came up to the entrance. I cut off a few black SUV’s when I swerved to get in the right lane. Then just as I am about to turn into the Valet parking entrance, a large man in a dark suit puts his hand up to stop me. He is speaking into one of those “Bluetooth” gadgets. With an impatient motion he signals me to back out.

Well dangit! Does he know that I just spent 20 minutes driving around trying to find a way through this maze? So I roll down my passenger side window and say, “ Look buddy, I am a guest at this hotel. What’s the problem?”
He speaks into his phone thingamabob and says something like, “Just a minute guys I have some idiot here to clear out.”
Then he leans in the window and I glance a weapon strapped to his side.
“Look behind you sir. We have a Head of State coming in. Please go around the block or park somewhere else.” He slaps my hood a few times and motions me forward.

When I looked in my rearview mirror I felt really stupid. There was a line of black SUV’s just like the ones I cut off and a few motorcycle cops. All of their vehicles had red and blue flashing lights. Traffic was stopped on the entire block and I was the only other vehicle. I must have missed these guys while I was looking up through my sunroof.

I did about 4 more laps around the block before they had the lobby cleared and I finally pulled up to the valet. I checked into my room and then went to look around the hotel.

The first guy I run into is Vaclav Klaus. He is the President of the Czech Republic. He received a Ph.D. from the Institute of Economics of the Czech Academy of Sciences. He lived under Communist rule for most of his life. Now he is the democratically elected political leader of his country.

He is standing with a bunch of Secret service guys as I walk toward him. They are all wearing transmitter doohickeys with curly wires attached to their ears. The guy who stopped me at the hotel entrance is with the group and he recognized me and apologized straightaway for making me go around the block. He introduces me to President Klaus as the guy who was blocking the hotel entrance. Mr. Klaus smiled and gave me an autographed copy of his book, Blue Planet in Green Shackles. Later, I had the privilege to attend a dinner party where he was the guest speaker.

I want to tell you what he said that really impressed me. I also want to tell you about his book. Thanks for investing the time to read this column so far. I will now try to get to the point.

Independence day for the Czech people was when they threw off the oppressive yoke of communist rule. From his perspective, he cannot understand why Americans are willing to give away our freedom so easily. The crucial question of his book is “What is endangered: climate or freedom?”

Mr. Klaus was very sincere when he said,
“As someone who lived under communism for most of my life, I feel obliged to say that the biggest threat to freedom, democracy, the market economy, and prosperity at the beginning of the 21st century is not Communism or its various softer versions. Communism was replaced by the threat of ambitious environmentalism. This ideology preaches Earth and nature, and under the slogans of their protection-similarly to the old Marxists-wants to replace the free and spontaneous evolution of mankind by a sort of central (now global) planning of the whole world.”

Klaus sees precise parallels in the way communism and environmentalism are effectively used to destroy human freedom under compassionate slogans such as caring for mankind and fostering social welfare. In both cases it is completely about power.

The communist experience has shown that without human freedom, free markets, private property, and the profit motive, “neither human beings nor nature can be treated decently.” These essential elements of freedom are certainly not the culprits of the world’s ecological problems. “The aggregate outcome of independent actions of millions of informed and rational individuals, unorganized by any genius or dictator, is infinitely better than any deliberate attempt to design the development of human society.” Says Klaus.

Weather you agree with Vaclav Klaus or not, I feel his perspective is important to the debate over climate change. We should not pretend that the debate is over because of “consensus”. The term consensus is always used to avoid debate. Remember that the greatest scientific discoveries in history came about because someone dared to break with consensus.

We should never forget the fact that the world is constantly in a state of change. There never will be an “ideal” state of the planet. Since the beginning of time the Earth has seen significant fluctuations in climate. Natural processes in the universe and in solar activity cannot be stopped by changes in human activity. We should not give up our freedom to those who disregard this fact.

Part Nine of Nine: Notes From Down Under

Road signs are fun down under. They make you think. By the time you ask yourself what a “Jutter Bar” is you run over a big speed bump that rockets you out of your seat and into the car roof (like Mrs. Frenchy). Oh, so that’s a “Jutter Bar”. I was looking for some kind of upscale pub or something like that. We call them “speed bumps” but they don’t really look like a bump. These are actually bars that stick out (or jut) across the road. However, when you hit them at a high rate of speed you will get a bump on your head. They say speed kills but it can also bump. Perhaps that is the origin of the name.

Other cool signs are the very polite sounding “Give Way” instead of “Yield”. It sounds so polite compared to the harsh command to “Yeild!” Then there are these big diamond shaped signs all over the place with the simple but bold message “!”. So an exclamation point means “?” what? I am guessing it means something like “Caution!” or “Watch Out!” These words are usually ended with an exclamation point. They could be abbreviating here.

Some of the animal signs are really fun. For instance, one sign has a caricature of a cute Wombat with a note that says “5 Kilometers”. So slow down and get out the camera there’s a Wombat coming up! The picture should just be accompanied by the big exclamation point! Or simply read “WOMBAT!!”

There are similar signs for “Koala Xing” with a cute picture of the fuzzy bear. These bears must be able to tell time because the sign says, “Koala Xing 2-5 AM”. So I guess they queue up for the crossing just like Mexicans at our southern border and all come across when no one is looking.

Some animals are not so fortunate to have a designated “Xing” time. In NZ and Australia there are many, “Possum Pancakes”. We saw road kill often. There is a sign with phone number posted along the road “Report Wildlife Injury”. Again these animals down under must be pretty smart. I can just see one calling the hot line. “’ello mate, oi’ve beeen heet! No, sorry, deedent geet the lwysents plate numba.”

In New Zealand it takes several workers to do what one usually does back home. Take the roadside “Slow Mower” for example. There are three vehicles involved in the job and usually 4 or 5 workers. There is the mower and the mower escorts, and the supervisor. A car with flashing lights is out front and behind the Slow Mo warning traffic and occasionally directing it around the mower when it is parked for a break (about every 15 minutes). The supervisor is there to make sure they get their break time. In the meantime, the guys in the escort cars are drinking tea and eating Cadbury Caramello Koalas. (I hope this doesn’t give our Public Works fellows any ideas).

It took an Aussie (pronounced Ozzie, like in Ozzie and Harriet or Osbourne) to explain to me what I was seeing in New Zealand that I couldn’t quite put into words. He said, “New Zealand is a union country”. It is like a big union shop where full employment is the goal instead of just getting the job done efficiently. This is actually the biggest predicament for a social democracy. Excessive bureaucracy and inefficiency weighs down their economy.

Too much government keeps them from being competitive in the world. It happened slowly and incrementally. The people gave the government more money and more power than was good for it. It is very difficult to reverse because no one that promises to take things away from people can ever be popular enough to be elected. I really hope we can avoid this in our country but it may be too late.

Part Eight - Notes From Down Under

It is time to discuss buffet eating. First, let me begin by saying that I dislike buffet dining on many levels. I can’t decide quickly. I don’t like to be pushed. The food is often soggy from sitting too long. The people in front leave behind the picked over stuff. Anyway, I would much rather not play buffet but it is sometimes convenient to do it on a cruise ship.

Many people are good buffet players. They have that look of confidence. They make a reconnaissance flight over the chow line and figure out a plan of attack well before getting in the queue. They are quite advanced in the science of plate space management. They know what goes on the bottom layer and what items will balance well on top. And they know how to work the line.

They are pushy. They size up the other players and give them the intimidating stare. They push aside the indecisive and fussy. When they spot something good they swoop down on it like a bird of prey and stack it on their big fat plate.

A rocking ship levels the playing field and throws everything off for these big buffet players. Just try balancing a fully loaded tray in 30-foot seas. The advantage goes to the smaller portioned nimble folk who get their chance to chortle as miss piggy trips and spills her iced tea into her mashed potatoes or drops a load of carefully balanced buffalo wings into her chocolate cake. It is fun to see the tables turn on these buffet pros.

It helps to have a sense of humor on a rocking cruise ship. It is amazing to watch a ship steward walk down the buffet line carrying a stack of dishes balanced under his chin zig-zaging like a roaring drunk. When fatso turns with a loaded tray and smacks right into him spilling everything and falling into a heap on the floor what should your reaction be? If you can laugh instead of puke you would probably like sailing on a ship as much as I did.

Part Seven - Notes From Down Under

We had dinner with the ship’s Navigator tonight. He was in full dress uniform. He was from Latvia but has recently immigrated to Auckland. He had the waiters bring around good Aussie wine and keep all the glasses constantly full. I really hope we find our way to Tasmania. We haven’t seen land for three days. I hope it is not because of the wine.

We docked in Tasmania very early. What an island. This is a place where you would not be surprised to see dinosaurs. We saw Wallabies, Wombats, Kookaburras, Anteaters that look like Porcupines, and many exotic birds and plant life.

We have been to many ports. Security is tight. I have never been through more metal detectors or had to pass through more security checkpoints than in the last several weeks. The security guards are used to it. They have a good laugh once in awhile.

Passing through one checkpoint today we asked the guard, “Do we look suspicious?”
The good-natured policeman replied in the Aussie dialect, “Not enless ya’ve gat a tay taal on ye hade”.

Now I don’t want to you to think that there is some kind of profiling going on but did he just say “tea towel on your head?” Yes. Anyway I broke out laughing and so did he. He slapped me on the back and we headed on our way. Little did he know this statement would be on the world-wide-web in a few short days but that most people will not have a clue what he said.

As a foreigner I have to do a lot of active listening in order to get around. I am getting better with the language everyday. I have the basics down, but it really helps when they use their arms. For example, words such as “ovaah theyaah” and “ovaah heeeah” are easy to understand when the speaker points.

And the natives are always pointing out the fact that Australia is a “beeg country” with many “nwice seetees” with many “paaacks” where you can “aave a peekneek”. I have to agree that there are many nice cities and swell places to picnic in the park.

We took a long walk today along the waterfront beaches in Melbourne (pronounced Melbun). We were sitting on a paaack bench when an older gentleman in a wheelchair rolled up and began a monologue that lasted over 30 minutes. We found out a lot about Austraalier that we did not previously know. We found his opinions about women as breeders, corruption on the police force, the suicide rate among men in Melbun, global warming, looming planetary destruction, and his cynical views on politics and religion to be fascinating.

According to Mr. Zippity Doo-Dah the countries of the earth are now competing to be the first to find a new planet to exploit. (I hope we don't find alien cannibals who stick their tongues out and poke us with pointy sticks and women with eyes like Marty Feldman who want to roast us on the barbie). He views the cup as half empty while we prefer to keep on the sunny side of life. Every place has its characters.

Part Six - Notes From Down Under

Part 6

I don’t know today’s date or I would post it here. The floor mat in the elevator always announces the day of the week. I believe this is for the benefit of the older folk on board or those who may lose track of days on vacation, so today’s carpet says “Saturday”. It would be easy and fun for the crew to change it around just to mess with us. Who would know? Not me that’s for sure.

Today it is very stormy. The sea is a cruel mistress. We have been told to stay inside the ship (as if we would abandon ship). It is hard to stand up. It is helpful to grab on to an old person for support. For those of you who have heard that they give you a lot of food on a cruise ship, it’s true. That’s because they know you will throw up a lot. They have hung racks of barf bags on railings all around the ship. Lori and I are fine so far. We have just as good of a chance to get seasick at home but we don’t.

The Cruise Director came on the intercom and announced that the afternoon movie will be the Poseidon Adventure. They will hand out life jackets to moviegoers at the door. Tonight’s double feature will be the Perfect Storm followed by Titanic. The kitchen officially cancelled the 10:00 am Dutch pea soup special. (I’m not making this part up.) Apparently there would be a shortage of barf bags had the soup been served.

We are heading for Tasmania. We couldn’t find anything to spend money on in New Zealand. I’m not sure why because we were willing consumers. We purchased a few things but overall I don’t think they have gotten the idea of capitalism yet. That’s okay. It’s just the opposite of Wal-Mart. Customers are trampling the greeters to death over there and punching each other out over video games. Not in New Zealand. No sir. Nobody is going to fight grandma over a wool sweater or a jade carving.

We visited a small town about the size of Friday Harbor yesterday. We did what no other cruise ship passengers do. We went to the town’s only grocery store, not because they didn’t feed us properly on the boat, but because we love to check out food markets. It was like a typical small town store you would see in the States in the 60’s or 70’s. I would have a hard time living here because there is nothing hot in the teensy Mexican food section. The meat case was loaded up with every cut of lamb. We could never sell that much lamb in our markets.

They had one thing I’ve never seen before, a big refrigerated dog food section. The dog food was in big tubes like polenta on steroids. They had fresh liver, horsemeat snacks, and lamb treats. Interesting. Lady, our English Springer Spaniel, would love it here!

The Skipper spoke to us on the intercom telling us that we are experiencing force 11 gusting to force 12 (hurricane force). 140 kilometers per hour. The Captain said again that it is “very risky to go outside”. We are on deck 6, about 50 feet above the waterline, and spray is flying above us at times. Sightseeing is cancelled for today.

I almost forgot to mention something that had us laughing our heads off. We were bouncing along high country roads in a Mercedes 4 wheel drive Unimog. If you have never seen one of these vehicles they look like some kind of Lunar landing craft. It was so bumpy you could hear spines crack like an elephant stepping on a box of Wheaties (this is why old people should not go on these adventure trips). We were getting to know the others in the vehicle because they were literally bouncing up and landing in our laps. We tore 2 sets of step stairs off the vehicle going through a riverbed.

Okay, here’s the funny part. This French couple were in the seat in front of us and the wife was so focused on taking photos that she missed most of the scenery. Anyway she stood up to take a shot of a cute little lamb out the window just as we hit a big pothole. She cracked her head on the ceiling and got knocked back into her seat like her butt was attached to a rubber band. Then she stood up again immediately and it happened again about four more times in rapid succession. Bam, bam, bam, bam! On her head! She looked like one of those paddle-ball toys.

Ordinarily we would not laugh at someone else’s misfortune. But we had been giggling the whole time because it was like a roller coaster ride and you just can’t help but laugh. And this was funny, like the kind of funny where someone falls down and rips the crotch out of their pants. So we laughed hilariously over the staccato rapid-fire head bumps for the rest of the ride. The slightest eye contact between us sparked another laughing fit. Mrs. Frenchie Photo kept looking back and giving us the stinkeye but we couldn’t help our selves. I do hope she did not hurt herself or rip her pants. How very immature of us.

Late in the day we worked our way out of the bad weather and ducked into Milford Sound. Sightseeing is back on! This large fjord was breathtaking. The mountains rise about 5-6,000 feet straight up. The water depth is between 1,500 and 2,000 feet deep. It reminded me of the Grand Canyon except wet. Very wet and cool. Just like home.

Part Five - Notes From Down Under

Part 5

Dunedin is a Scottish settlement. I am feeling pretty good about that. We saw a parade today and I finally found out that Lori thinks Bagpipes are more obnoxious than the Banjo. Since I play a little banjo (not referring to size) I am pleased. I want to thank the old Scot who invented the bagpipe. Before this revelation from my wife, I had thought if I ever met the man I would kick him straight away in the arse (This means “butt” from a dialect that I will be discussing below).

Seriously, what kind of instrument is the Bagpipe? A windbag filled with bad breath and squeezed under the armpit by a man wearing a dress (commonly with no shorts) blown through a pipe by a mouth full of bad teeth. The loud nasal drone produced by this has to be one of the most insufferable sounds known to the human ear. But I sort of like it because it makes the banjo sound good.

We are not the youngest folks on this cruise. There are several younger than us. This has its advantages. For example there were no crowds on the river jet boat and high country Unimog expedition. We had fun but the bone crunching, jaw-grinding action is not for the octogenarians.

It is also easier to negotiate our way through the buffet line. A well placed hip check or an occasional thrown elbow gets you plenty of space to load your tray. After dinner the crowds thin out as grandma and grandpa drop off to bed. We have the disco all to ourselves. We also have quite the advantage in name that tune and trivia games. (It is a good thing we do not play bingo, eat prunes, or like big band music).

We also thought this age difference would be an advantage around the pool. It turned out not to be the case. The older folks take up most of the lounge chairs. They come up to the pool deck in the terry-cloth robes provided in each room. It can be frightening when they disrobe proving once again that partial nudity is still the best birth control method as we age.

Now international travel has some complications. Language is the biggest obstacle for most travelers and the main question becomes, “What the heck are they saying?” Being totally immersed in the language and actually communicating seems like a miracle sometimes. But reading and writing in a new language is very different. That is why I need to spend some time illustrating the dialects from “down under”.

Aussies say “er” for “a” and “a” for “er”. For example pizza would be “peetzer”, upper would be “uppaw” etc. Words that contain “ick” are pronounced “eek”. For example, sick is pronounced “seek” like, “Does theese ruff waadaas mike ya seeseek?” Now an Aussie guy might say, “Leets gow to the uppaw deek and peek up some cheeks”. He would only say this for example, if he had never actually been to the pool on the upper deck. In proper English the correct reply would be, “You sick bastard!”