Talking Turkey

Here are some interesting word appetizers for Thanksgiving to brighten your holiday.

The Bird
Americans go through 46 million turkeys at Thanksgiving. Each turkey has 5000 to 6000 feathers. That’s billions of feathers. Ever wonder what happens to all these feathers? They contain protein. Most are ground up into animal feed. Some are used in the manufacture of yarn. Eating either of these products can cause you to cough up fur balls (not to be confused with footballs which is discussed below).

Today the turkey costs 22 percent more due to growing demand from China for American turkey parts. They are no doubt trying to reverse-engineer these birds and put the parts together into one giant turkey that can fly under the radar and poop out communist propaganda on Taiwan.

The Turkey Shoot
I remember when I shot my first turkey. Boy, I sure scared the crap out of the people down the frozen food aisle. I found out later that the real tradition of the Turkey Shoot is very different. The challenge is to shoot at a target. The best marksman wins a turkey. This sure beats picking the buckshot out of a frozen bird.

Our National Bird
Did you know that the turkey almost became our national symbol? Benjamin Franklin proposed the turkey as the official United States' bird. He was not happy when the bald eagle was chosen over the turkey. Franklin thought the eagle to be a bird of "bad moral character."

They steal food from other birds because they are lazy. Franklin wrote to his daughter saying, "I wish the bald eagle had not been chosen as the representative of our country! The turkey is a much more respectable bird, and withal a true original native of America. Besides he is a rank Coward: The little King Bird not bigger than a Sparrow attacks him boldly and drives him out of the District.”

I’m glad that the turkey lost out to the Eagle. We shouldn’t be eating our national symbol. The Eagle would not be near as tasty as the turkey and can’t hold nearly as much stuffing. You thought eating turkey makes you lazy? Eating a lazy bird might put you in a coma!

The Tradition
The big day comes. We eat too much turkey, watch football, and fall asleep. We blame the turkey for this because we are told turkey contains something that makes you sluggish.

Food experts say that L-tryptophan is found in turkey and this creates serotonin synthesis that makes you feel sleepy. But it’s more likely the snoot-full of beer you drank that makes you pass out on the couch and drop the remote control during the endless replay of the coach’s challenge of an incomplete pass that the stupid referee couldn’t see. The challenge rule is just a scam by advertisers to insert an extra 40 minutes of commercials into every game. (Even Ray Charles could see that he caught that ball).

Holiday History
Doesn’t it seem that Thanksgiving is just a holiday to get you in the mood for Christmas? There’s a reason for that.

In 1939 the Great Depression was a decade old, the economy was still in the toilet, WWII was breaking out in Europe, and the world was teetering on the brink. FDR needed to make a bold decision to pull the economy out of depression. End the Fed? Bail out the big banks? Try a stimulus package? Green Jobs? No. Why not move Turkey Day up a week? This would give retailers 7 more shopping days before Christmas!

And just like that President Roosevelt changed the date of Thanksgiving. His decision was hard for the companies that already had their 1940 pin-up calendars and Almanacs printed out and of course it played havoc with the football schedules, (to say nothing of the turkeys whose lives were cut short by a week).

Seeing a political opportunity here, presidential hopeful, Alf Landon, jumped into the presidential race seeking to end the tyranny of Roosevelt’s reign. He compared FDR to Hitler for changing the date of Thanksgiving. This is the first time a president was ever compared to Hitler by his political opponent. Now everyone you disagree with in an email dialog gets compared to Hitler. Thanks Alf!

So bowing to political pressure by college football coaches who vowed to vote for Alf unless the date of Turkey Day was changed back, Congress changed the date of Thanksgiving to the 4th Thursday in November.

Now there are fewer shopping days before Christmas but the decorations start going up after Halloween and the Christmas catalogs arrive before that. I hope you and your family have many blessings to be thankful for this Thanksgiving!

(Gordy has been writing a fun filled -and sometimes even fact filled- column for The Island Guardian for five years. He has a talent for poking fun at us while pointing out the absurdness of the unintended consequences of many of our actions, and has become a must read for politicians and the populace. Gordy graduated with honors from Seattle Pacific University with a degree in Philosophy. He also attended Theological Seminary. He has spent most of his life sequestered in the remote San Juan Islands where he has survived by fishing, hunting, and growing prize-winning vegetables. He once owned a small chain of grocery stores in the islands. He has served on many committees and has held elected office. )

Alienated

Many people are disappointed by what our local government has become. I have listened to the complaints. I have summarized some of the protests about the Home Rule Charter below. Are these problems real or not? Did our elected officials cause these problems or are they systemic to the Charter? Should we “occupy” the courthouse lawn? Anyway here we go with the complaints (This is not an exhaustive list).

When citizens take valuable time and travel to speak to the County Council they don’t seem to listen. It seems obvious by their body language that their decision has already been made behind closed doors. The council members keep looking at their watches, leaning back in their chairs, crossing their arms, and frowning. Sometimes they have a hard time staying awake. Many times speakers are rudely cut off before they have a chance to make their point. Fewer people are willing to volunteer their time on advisory boards because they don’t think the Council listens to their advice.

Decisions are made by consensus now. This new collaborative decision-making process neutralizes dissent. Opposing views are seldom expressed and rarely fought for. The old way of doing things, where our representative reviewed the issue, debated publicly, defended their position, and voted their conscience, has changed for the worse. Decision-making has now dissolved into some amorphous groupthink called consensus.

Going to the courthouse can be a cold and miserable experience. Calling on the phone is even worse. It is rare when you get to talk to an actual person and leaving a message in the expensive phone mail system may never get you a call back. The employees are too busy, lines are longer, and the departments are short-staffed. Requests are met with demands to fill out this form and come back later with your checkbook because there is another fee you didn’t anticipate for a service you don’t get.

People see cutbacks in service in contrast to huge expenditures on new expensive equipment like boats, backhoes, and real estate (like the Orcas Dock). We feel offended when a supposedly part-time council votes in full-time retirement benefits for themselves. We see millions spent on studies but indecision rules the day. The Council persistently interferes in administrative matters by directing the staff. Many people are confused about what the Council is supposed to be doing. They certainly aren’t controlling costs. We can’t afford Home Rule if we continue to spend like this.

It used to be easy to get information. Reading the meeting minutes answered most of your questions. If you couldn’t find answers there you could ask your Commissioner and if she/he didn’t know the answer they would find out and get back to you. Now you must petition the Administration Department by filling out the proper forms and wait for answers for weeks (sometimes it is faster). Responses may come back with information redacted and pages blank. They seem to resent the fact that you even ask for information.

The Administrator is insulated by his staff and has little time for the public. A person with an important request might wait for a month or more for an appointment to meet with him. Although the Administrator makes many important decisions he is not accountable to the voters. Many times he takes cover behind the Council by making sure they vote to back his decisions. Sometimes the council doesn’t know what those votes were even about. This seems to be true about the latest equipment purchases.

People feel more alienated from their local government than ever before. Many people blame the Charter. Look at what we were promised by the promoters of “Home Rule.”

We were promised efficient, responsive, transparent government that is close to the people. We were told that the Charter would be “revenue neutral” with a “strong separation of powers” between the council and administrator. We were asked to believe that 6 council members could come to consensus on issues and that they would stay out of the business of running the county and concentrate on “legislation.” Does this match up with what we got?

Can we get things right next time? I think it will be very important for voters to pay close attention to the changes that may be recommended by the Charter Review Commission. If you have any ideas or opinions, now is the time to get involved and attend the meetings. Keep your eyes open for meeting announcements. They will begin after the holidays. Remember that you will get to vote on any changes.

“Name That Boat” Contest Winners Announced!

It is time to announce a winner. Drum roll please!

“Miss Appropriation” was voted the first place winner by a large margin. Margaret Manning from Orcas Island submitted the winning name.

Second place goes to “Ina Fishin’ Sea” submitted by Rex Stickle, San Juan Island.

Third place and the overwhelming name chosen by the county workforce is “SJC Furlough.” Four different contestants (all requesting that we keep their names out of this) submitted this name or something close to it.

I think “SJC Furlough” should be the name we actually place on the boat so as not to change a prior-christened vessel name. All sailors are superstitious. Many sailors believe changing a name is bad luck. We wish the Public Works only good luck with this boat purchase even though we know it is a boat and bad “Ship Happens” to boats all the time. We just hope nobody gets hurt.

What happens now?

1. The Judging Committee will travel to Orcas where we will treat the winner and her partner/spouse/husband/significant other (choose only one), to Dinner at a local restaurant with a nautical theme.

2. We may also have a T-shirt made for the second place winner with the name, “Ina Fishin’ Sea” emblazoned on the back with a photo of the boat and some PW employees fishing off the back. We may make several of these because they might be in demand.

3. For third place we may have a plaque made with “SJC Furlough” as the boat name, and present it to the Council.

4. As a consolation prize we will have a burgee flag made with “Ship for Brains” embroidered on it.

It all depends on the willingness of the judging committee to complete items 2,3 & 4. Thanks to all who participated and contributed clever names!

Judges Deadlocked In “Name That Boat” Contest

The number and quality of the entries in the boat-naming contest was impressive. Many of you sent in creative and humorous entries. Thank you! After several ballots the panel could not decide on a winner. Here are the top finalists:

SJC Furlough (sent in by 4 different people)
Ship For Brains
Miss Appropriation
R.U. Sea-rious
Ina Fishin’ Sea

A dozen of the names poked fun at the role of the Administrator in the boat purchase. Considered in the top tier were names like “Poseiden Rose, Deficit Rose, Pete's Foll” y, and ”4Peetsake!” Apparently Mr. Rose took this whole game personally and described it as “mean-spirited.” I am just guessing here but I think people were just having fun and letting off a little steam.

I think most islanders have tried unsuccessfully to justify their own boat purchase to a spouse or business partner and found Mr. Rose’s attempt to be similar and very humorous.

I can remember making the exact same arguments to my wife.
“Honey we need this boat. It’s bigger and safer. You don’t want me to drown in a storm do you? And the ferry’s not dependable. I can get more work done if I have a new boat. What if we need to get to the mainland in an emergency? Come on, can I have a new boat, please? It’s a good deal. It’s only three-hundred and twenty five thousand dollars.”
She said,
“SAY WHAT?! ‘Ugottabee Kiddenme.’ ‘R U Sea-rious?’ Have you gone ‘Sea-Nile?’ [three good names]. We can’t spend that kind of money on a boat!”

And this is why people have a hard time with this boat purchase. It’s not personal. It’s a boat and the fun is just starting. The cost of running this floating “Hole in the Water” is like “Liquid Waste” (more good names). You can’t blame some people for “Sea-N-Red.”

I would like to take the last entry in the contest from comments by Mr. Rose. “Miss Placed Criticism.” It fits in well with the traditional way boats are named after women. We had “Miss Management, Miss Appropriation, Miss Fit, Miss Conceived, and Miss Used.” These were all top-tier finishers in this contest. There are so many to choose from.

Several County Workers who entered the contest requested anonymity. Many of them commented on the low morale in the workforce. This “Bureaucratic Bilge” did not impress them because they face lay offs or furloughs as a result of “San Juan's Sinking Funds.” In their opinion the purchase was “Knot so Frugal.” They see this kind of spending leaving a “Hollow Leg-a-Sea” for the administration. (More great names)

Most of the comments I received were generally skeptical about the boat purchase. The contest gave everyone an outlet to vent their frustrations. I hope the Council and Administration is listening.

Here is my request. Please select your choice out of the 5 finalists above and send it to: editor@islandguardian.com Use Name that Boat in the subject line.

Thanks again!

Name That Boat!

Boondoggle? You bet! Just when you thought things couldn’t get more ridiculous, the Public Works Department goes out and buys a new boat for $325K. Many islanders own boats and know how this works. The purchase price is just the beginning. A boat is a hole in the water where you throw money. Foolhardy doesn’t begin to describe this kind of waste.

“Inefficiency is not an option.” Said Administrator Pete Rose. How ironic is it for our land-loving leader to say this about such a silly purchase? There are many work boats for hire in the private sector that are much better equipped and staffed to do the few jobs on the outer islands that this boat was designed for. These private entrepreneurs are our neighbors and they could use the business. I would bet that the cost to hire them would be less than the annual maintenance on this new boat. Inefficiency seems to be the only option at Public Works.

Don’t forget that we are being asked to approve another parcel tax this November to pay for their mismanagement of solid waste. Yet they always seem to have the money floating around in this “shell game” they call a budget to buy new fancy equipment from the mainland. Why should taxpayers continue to put up with this?

You can get mad or have fun (or both). Here is the fun part. This boat is nameless. Boats need clever names. Today I am beginning a campaign to “NAME THAT BOAT!” Already donations of prizes are coming in. Please send your best boat name to editor@islandguardian.com "Attn Gordy" in the subject line.

New Heights of Absurdity

I attended a theatrical production in college called “No Exit” by Jean Paul Sartre. In the play, “the condemned” were forced to live in a garbage dump. The actors on stage spewed out nihilistic dialogue while standing in garbage cans. It was absurd. This column is not about some French existential stage show, but it comes close.

The theater was the County Council room where the players filled up the hot-air balloon of absurdity and went up, up, and away. This story is both ridiculous and sad. It is the never-ending tale of the solid waste debacle.

If you think the council has mismanaged solid waste so far, “you ain’t seen nothin’ yet”. After years of puttering around wasting hundreds of thousands of tax dollars studying the problem, they threw up their hands and said, “Let the people decide!” Meanwhile the entire program went bankrupt. Now we are being asked to solve the problem for them by paying a new tax in addition to the highest tipping fees in the entire universe. It’s so sad.

The Council needs more money from you to fix the garbage problem but they can’t call it a tax (that might be illegal) so they began a rebranding process. At first they named it a “parcel fee,” (that also had legal implications). Now they're calling it a “user charge.” The enabling ordinance that creates this exorbitant fee will soon be unveiled for voter approval. It is convoluted and ridiculous. Here’s why.

If it is called a “user charge” there must be some connection between the parcel of property being charged and the potential garbage that the parcel generates. So the council came up with a bizarre multiplier formula because all parcels are not created equal.

A vacant lot for example should not generate much garbage (unless the neighbors use it for a dump because they can’t afford the highest tipping fees in the galaxy) therefore no charge would be applied to an empty lot. A single-family residence would pay a hefty “user charge.” The same fee will be charged if the residence is occupied by one old lady who just recycles and composts, or a family with 10 kids who toss away mass quantities of everything. Our world’s record tipping fee would be collected in addition to the “user charge“ at the transfer station where you still must wait in line behind the old lady who has one bag of recyclables.

If you own a vacation cabin your charge would be the same as a large family living here full time, but if you have a business over 2,000 square feet you could end up paying 8 times the rate of a single family residence, and don’t forget, you will still pay the most extreme tipping fees on earth! If you own a bed and breakfast, a guesthouse, a dock, lodging facility, or a marina, the charge will fall disproportionately on you. Small businesses will be punished with the highest charges for their parcels calculated by the square footage of all buildings. And you thought things couldn’t get worse?

I’ll tell you how it gets worse. The same department that got us into this mess in the first place, the people who don’t know what “efficiency” means, the ones responsible for the “cracked windshield” crisis, the same department that employs the guy in the “Lazy Boy” chair directing traffic at the dump, gets to calculate your fee! That’s correct. The guys at public works will take off their fluorescent vests and put on their green visors and use assessor’s records to figure out the square footage of your business, or your dock, or whatever they think will generate the most garbage, and send you a bill each year. I’m not making this up. It is too absurd to make up.

They will be using the mean little multiplier scheme hatched by the Council while they were flying into the “wild blue yonder” totally out of touch with reality, arguing about whether a building on a dock should be charged twice, and also multiplied by the square footage of the dock. The bottom line here is that it is not fair to punish taxpayers and small businesses for the mess that the Council created by their legendary mismanagement of solid waste. Are we like “the condemned” in Sartre’s “theater of the absurd” that will be forced to live with this garbage? I hope not.

Power naps

I met a few friends at the American Legion the other night. The local news was on in the background. Someone over by the TV yelled out, “Hey, isn’t that Howie?” The bartender turned up the volume and the small crowd huddled around the set. Sure enough, up on the screen was Rip Van Rosenfeld, catching forty winks in another Council meeting.

Our own Friday Harbor representative was on King 5 News. In the interview he denied that his snoozing was a result of a medical condition. No. His power naps are a result of his age (70), the warm room, the comfortable chair, and the boring Power Point presentations he is forced to sit through. (Presentations by the Auditor showing all that red ink in the County Budget?)

Then came the most stunning excuse for this snooze fest imaginable. He said, “It depends on your definition of sleeping.” (How Clintonesque’, I thought). Is it nodding off for a second and then popping back up, or is it a deep rapid eye movement type of sleep? Let me put it this way, any deeper and he would need a teddy bear and a blanket.

The definition of sleeping is “The state of not being awake, or alert. Unconscious.”
Perhaps he finds that the people’s business is trivial or irrelevant, and not worth paying attention to. In any case, Rip Van Rosenfeld is not losing any sleep over this.

How did the Council meetings turn into a slumber party? By their inaction the other Councilors enable his behavior. Someone should slap the table and ask him to wake up and pay attention. Perhaps the reason no one does this is because they aren’t paying attention either.

After the news clip ended the crowd at the American Legion broke out in cheers and applause. Some were surprised that our little County got this kind of attention. Upon reflection, I guess that this behavior is embarrassing to all of us. It must be the exception to see elected leaders who pay so little attention to business. I have heard about many meetings across the State that go long into the night while dedicated leaders listen carefully to what the people have to say. Sadly, this does not happen in San Juan County anymore. Frankly, I don’t think our Council listens to anyone.

To his credit, Howie says, he’s “open to suggestions about what to do about it.”
So here’s a pajama-gram for the Council. Turn down the heat and save some taxpayer’s money. Sell off the cushy Lazy Boy chairs and bring over some of the old hard oak chairs from the Court House. If you find that the job is still too boring to keep your eyes open, resign and let someone who has an interest in the people of San Juan County do the job.

Questions

Where are we going in this handbasket? I have some questions about the mess we call “San Juan County Government”. Something has gone horribly wrong. We’re broke. Taxes and fees are being raised on everything imaginable. Auditor’s warnings are not taken seriously. The threat of new regulations has made realtors break out in mini-initiatives and is forcing some of them out of business. The council has “decide-a-phobia.” They think they should micromanage every issue but they can’t seem to agree to any action (except to raise fees). New lawsuits are filed all the time and the County is passing out settlement packages like Santa Claus at Christmas. I don’t know about you, but this makes my head shake so hard I could mix paint colors in my mouth.

The letter from the people from Lopez Village is a good place to start. (link) Here’s my question; should it take a village to manage the day-to-day affairs of the Public Works department? Where is the management? Under the Charter we hired an expensive Administrator to manage the manager of this department who is responsible for overseeing the manager of the solid waste division. Why is it necessary for these good Lopez folks to seek out solutions to the solid waste crisis-and recommend them to the Council-when we pay expensive managers to solve these problems? They are managing to get us deeper in debt. That’s about it.

Under the Charter, the role of the Council is to set the budget and hold the Administrator accountable for the various departments to work within it. Here’s another question; Why should the Council be asked to fix administrative problems? (I understand that they do meddle in the administration of county business but that‘s not really their job. It’s more of a hobby actually).

Here’s the “elephant in the room” question; shouldn’t the Council simply tell the Administrator to do his job or resign? The Administrator has been out interviewing for another job. Here’s another question; has the Council been interviewing candidates for new managers or should they wait to begin the search until the position is vacant and we go all the way down in this handbasket?

Here’s my final question; How’s that Charter working out?