Island Guardian

Thursday, December 28th

A Brief History Of The Islands: Part One

(Warning: What you are about to read is not politically correct. In fact, it may not be correct at all. Read at your own risk.)

IN The Beginning God picked up the tube of uniqueness and squeezed out the little archipelago that would become the San Juan Islands. The islands would eventually become populated with unique characters called islanders. These are the stories of islanders. Stories you won't find anywhere else.

Islanders are folks who traveled west and ran out of mainland. We got to the coast and looked out. We were pissed because there was no more land. With furrowed brows and squinting eyes we paced the shoreline back and forth looking farther west into the setting sun over the shimmering waters and we asked, "Why doesn't someone invent sunglasses?"

And so we built piers and long docks reaching out to the archipelago. Like iron filings to a magnet the docks filled up with all kinds of vessels. So we took out in boats and sailed to the San Juan Islands.

Of course we were not the first to arrive. The native inhabitants met us on shore. They were happy to share the islands if we promised to give them casinos. Eventually they would recover their losses because the house always wins. They made the kind of "firewater" drinks that made white men split kings at the blackjack tables and blue-haired women dance to Elvis impersonators like idiots. But I am getting ahead of myself.

Early settlers were trappers, farmers, loggers, fishermen, and rural characters (Today they are mostly just rural characters). In those days no one was really sure if the islands were part of any country so they refused to pay taxes. Islanders have always hated taxes. The British tried to collect them and Islanders told them they were Americans. When Property taxes were levied from America they told them they were British.

In 1855 tax collector Elias Barnes came from Whatcom to collect overdue taxes. Islanders gave him 34 sheep and sent him on his way. The joke was on Sheriff Barnes because they gave him all the ugly ones!

In those pioneer days islanders got up very early to take a few shots out the window at the crowing roosters. That's when a stray bullet carelessly aimed at a rooster hit the English pig.

It was all a big misunderstanding that started when old man Dallas thought his neighbor, Mr. Cutler, was insulting his rather generously proportioned wife when he said, "Keep your old pig out of my potato patch!"

We all remember how this little dust-up turned into the famous "Pig War Barbeque". The standoff lasted 12 years while the English and the Americans roasted ribs and waited for the Germans to decide who owned the Islands. The American and British troops still hold the record for eating the most baby back ribs during a war.

After the German Kaiser Wilhelm ruled against the British and gave the Islands to America the French Canadians came to strip-mine our high quality sand and gravel resource.

Pioneer settler Frenchie LaFarge was very particular about his gravel. In fact he was a stickler about the quality (Thus the term "French stickler"). He dug out a huge pit over the years and taxpayers purchased it so now our county has a big hole to throw money into.

Another early settler was Joe Friday. He was out in the bay digging clams one day when an explorer ship sailed in and surprised him. They shouted a question, "What bay is this?" Hard of hearing Joe thought they asked, "What day is this?" he replied "Friday". From that day forward the main port of San Juan Island is called Friday Bay.

While Joe was digging clams he happened to find a monstrous giant clam that he affectionately called Juan. He marked the spot and brought some friends back at the next minus tide to see the huge clam. This became an annual event every 4th of July that drew a large colorful crowd down to the waterfront along Spring Street. A parade still continues to draw crowds along this very route every 4th of July.

When the first dock was built a pile was to be pounded in the mud near the clam named Juan. A frogman (Jacques Cousteau LaFarge) was sent down to witness the pile drive. To his absolute horror the pile was pounded right into Clam Juan. The diver described it like this, "Zee sound vas like, how you say, a fart in a bidet wiss a few bubbles like a Champagne no?"

The death of the giant clam was sad news indeed. The good news was that many crabs gathered to feast on Clam Juan. Pioneers kept pulling up the giant clam by the neck and harvesting the crabs for a feast that lasted several days. This sad crabby group dubbed the "Friends of Clam Juan" exists to this day and they are still peeved about new docks.

The "Friends of Clam Juan" monitor all dock construction in the islands to make sure no such thing happens again. Today only those who donate a large amount of clams to the "Friends of the Clam Juan" memorial fund get to build docks.

At the Hysterical Museum you can still find such items as a French Stickler, historic copies of every useless study ever done in the county, and several pieces of shell from Juan the geoduck. I will talk about many other items from the Museum in:

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Wednesday, December 20th

Twelve Days Of Christmas

Since they were sworn in, and each and every time they have met, the new six-member County Council has raised fees and assessed new taxes. Now they have given the taxpayers a precious gift. They are taking the Holidays off! This means that they won't raise our taxes any more until next year!

I'd like to wish them the best for the holidays! Take a break. Relax. Stay away from the courthouse. Please!

Yes, they have given us much this Christmas season. Here is a list of some of the gifts they have bestowed upon us. This can actually be sung to the tune "The Twelve Days of Christmas". So follow the bouncing ball and sing along with me.

On the twelfth day of Christmas the Councilors gave to us:
Twelve new proposals
Eleven useless studies
Ten per-cent in-crease
Nine new permit fees
Eight new employees
New county road tax
Six councilors spending
Big gar-bage fees!!
Storm water levy
Three more planners
$2 million Charter
And a one per-cent tax le-vy!

HO! HO! HO! Merry Christmas!

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Wednesday, December 13th

Spending Addiction

Our County Council has displayed the kind of foresight and fiscal discipline rarely seen except in a bunch of heroin addicts. I just witnessed their withdrawal pangs as they assessed a new fee upon all county residents (who live in homes) to pay for big storm water projects.

Don't get me wrong these projects may be necessary. But the Council can't seem to live within the constraints of a whopping big budget based upon record tax revenue collected. (New assessments are up an average of 44%).

So they must raise every imaginable fee because they can't live within a budget. It is time that taxpayers put limits on these fees that are really tax increases snuck in under the radar of spending limits. Enough is enough!

The people of San Juan County pay more taxes per capita than any body else in this State by a large margin. When you add up the per capita spending from Junior Taxing Districts the amount is staggering. But that will never be enough. They are addicted to spending and they are acting like they need a fix.

It is government spending, not government taxation, that is the true measure of governmental impact on our lives and that spending is out of control. This Council including the new members are spending our money at levels that the Auditor warned were "not sustainable." Yet spending proposals continue to be passed without so much as a flinch. Taxpayers are being mugged to pay for this addictive spending. This is the kind of government impact that will soon tax many of us out of our homes.

It's all because we need too many things. There is not enough money in the budget to cover the "needs" of Public Works so we need to pay increased fees to dump our garbage. We need more fees for storm water. We need to raise permit fees because we need to hire a Hydrologist and more planners for a Permit Department that has never provided better service no matter how much money is thrown at them.

The Council says everything can be blamed on growth. This is no excuse to keep raising taxes and fees! Taxes have grown at a pace way beyond our small percentage of population growth. The fact is that our Council does not have the guts to make cuts and prioritize spending. So they make excuses instead.

Their approach is to create the wish list first, then round up enough taxes to pay for it. This is backwards. They should be asking,
"What can we do within our existing resources to prioritize and meet the needs of our citizens?"

Under our new Charter the people can decide whether we will choose to live within our means or not. This fee and others must be passed by an Ordinance that will be open to a voter's referendum. I suggest that this important tool should be used to send a message to the Council that we want them to quit spending "Cold Turkey". Don't be an "enabler". Help them end their terrible addiction. (Let me know if you agree).

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Sunday, December 3rd

Money to Burn

Have you ever walked up to a store minutes before closing time and found it locked-up? The lights are on and you can see people inside working but they won't let you in? It reminds me of our County Courthouse during a storm.

It must cost taxpayers a bundle to keep the Courthouse closed for business but heated and partially staffed on these cold winter days. But it's okay. They have our money to burn.

Those employees who bravely fight the storm to show up for work get paid time-and-a-half while we pay everyone else their regular salary whether they show up or not.

And this cost is nothing compared to the real spending going on. We are adding executives and staff to the county payroll like there was no tomorrow. We are spending 2 million more over ‘06 and will likely draw heavily into the reserve funds. Here are some highlights from the 2007 budget.
Remember that special election last May when voters rejected the Housing Bank proposal? It's back. According to Councilman Ranker it is now "critical" that we hire an Affordable Housing Coordinator at a cost to taxpayers of $51,669.00 annually. This is another example of how government raises our taxes to make housing more affordable.

The Housing Bank is also asking for more money from the 2007 budget to "augment their efforts". So far they have been unsuccessful at getting these additional funds. But with money to burn how long will it take before this little branch becomes a big tree in the county bureaucracy?

To burn more money the Council wants to hire a full time Communications Coordinator for about $75,000.00 a year. Ordinary taxpayers must not be very smart because we need someone to explain to us why our county government does such silly things. (Like when the lights are on and you can see county workers in the courthouse but all the doors are locked. Explain that please.)

I hope the job description for Communications Coordinator includes stand up comedy experience because a sense of humor will be important. "Wanted: Someone who can tell jokes and spin the truth like a wool spinning "Sheep to Shawl" Blue Ribbon winner."

According to Councilman Lichter, "The full-time communications person Pete Rose is requesting can arguably be necessary because of the Charter. Six Council Members cannot be flying off in different directions vis-a-vis the media, so there must be a central focus. As well, there are so many new ordinances and ways of doing business, all mandated by the Charter, that we must have clarity of communications to insure transparency for our citizens. And I will guess that because of the change to small voting districts, there will be information, news, questions, complaints, comments coming from everywhere that will need to be coordinated."

Let me get this straight. If we double the number of Council members are we going to be twice as confused? Will we really need someone to explain all this stuff to us in a precise professional way? I will attend the first formal press conference. I will ask how our little county can afford to pay for a big city Communications Coordinator.

The Planning Department (CDPD) is planning to increase their staff by charging an additional $320 thousand dollars in permit fees. I will never understand why people in government think that increasing taxes and fees on builders will make housing more affordable. Oh well.

CDPD plans to use this $320K to shape this department into a lean mean permit-processing machine. To do this however they must end the popular "owner-builder" program. "I don't think so Tim". I doubt that this program will be cut. It is one of the few programs that really contribute to affordable housing.

If the new Council will not end the owner-builder-program and increase other fees then this money will come from the magic drawer of budget reserves that will now be depleted by storm clean-up expenses.

The formerly all-volunteer Marine Resources Committee needs 2 new employees. The 2007 budget proposes to pay half the cost of these positions while grant money pays the other half. When volunteer committees are made up of mostly paid staff they tend to evolve into bureaucratic departments. This is an alarming trend.

This is another example of how "free" grant money creates dependency. We only think we are getting something for nothing. We are setting something into motion that never stops. It's like getting a free printer for your personal computer and ending up spending a fortune on those little ink cartridges. Free grant money? "I don't think so Tim."

Don't be surprised when you see the Courthouse locked-up with the lights on and nobody home. If we keep burning money like this it won't take long for us to run out. Approval of the 2007 budget takes 4 votes to pass. Which one of the new Council Members will cast the fourth vote?

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