Island Guardian

Tuesday, November 28th

We Want A Refund!

"They told us it didn't snow in the Islands when we bought our house. Now there is a foot of snow, it's brown and we can't flush it down, power is out, tree limbs are blocking our driveway, and our car is stuck in the ditch! We want a refund!"

"All we had to worry about in California were the earthquakes, the language barrier, and the occasional break-in. But this is ridiculous! It's as cold as brass toilet seat! When is global warming supposed to kick-in?"

I know people who have said this. They are correct. Just as the snow covers the mossy knolls on the islands so do the promoters of the islands cover up the truth about our winters.

Scanning the Real Estate ads and other propaganda in the San Juans it is easy to see that references to brutal winter storms like this one are mostly omitted. Heck, even the professional weathermen underestimate the severity of our Northeasters. Here are some examples of the half-truths that are advertised about our weather on the web:

"The Cascade Mountains are approximately 50 miles east and help to "block" the freezing cold weather systems that come down from Canada. Blizzards, extreme heat or cold, are almost unheard of in the islands. It only snows about once or twice a year and usually not much more than an inch or two. Temperatures rarely fall below 30 degrees in the winter."  Oh, really?

Besides warning you about the friendly wave on Lopez they tell you this: "Winter lows are generally in the 30's to 40's with an occasional cold blast from the north that brings a few inches of snow and temperatures below freezing. If snow does occur it rarely last more than a few days before temperatures rise, bringing rainfall."

This is classic spin. "An occasional cold blast?" Give me a break! I guess it depends what your definition of occasional is.

I haven't even started with the Realtors. They all want to give you a "warm welcome", warm my butt! Please! Many of them don't even mention the weather while others deliberately create false impressions. Here are some classics:

"Winters are mild with temperatures normally staying above freezing;
Temperate year-round climate; very moderate climate."

Realtors hit the ‘daily double' when unsuspecting folks from warmer climates first buy a house and then sell it as soon as the pipes freeze. "We'll give you the listing if you tell them about our mild winters." This is called getting even.

And so it goes in the Islands. It's a revolving door of people coming here wearing Bermuda shorts and rose colored glasses and leaving with a permanent scowl frozen on their blue frost-bitten faces demanding a refund.

But like the flasher said, "I guess I'll keep sticking it out." Even if it doesn't thaw until June, I will remain an easygoing islander. Okay, February. All right, next week. Come to think of it I really wish global warming would kick-in now.

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Wednesday, November 22nd

We Have A Winner!

"Branding the San Juans is the highest form of patriotism" -T. Jefferson

It was a dark stormy Saturday night. We sat around a dimly lit table at Ship's Bay Inn on Orcas Island reading witty slogans out loud. Nine of us were judging the "Branding the San Juans" contest. Four of us were from Orcas, five from San Juan. We expressed our amusement with a great deal of boisterous laughter.

Folks that had come to the restaurant for a quiet romantic candle light dinner were almost certainly disturbed by our noise. We watched as most of the customers got up and left. I was fairly certain that our rowdy conduct drove them away. The wait staff kept giving us that ‘go home!' stare. Soon they began to put on their big winter coats and head out the door shooting at us with that look. We were still laughing at slogans as they closed the place up.

More than 121 slogans were entered in the contest. All of them were good. I had a chance to carry a shop-worn folded list of them around with me for a week. I pulled it out and observed while my friends and neighbors read it and laughed and blew their drinks out of their noses. I made a note of which slogans caused this reaction for later judging.

I had to add some rules along the way. The first one was "AMATEURS ONLY". As you might have guessed a contest this big drew professional sloganeers like moths to a flame. SJ Lions Club President, Jim "The Brander" Carroll is one of those marketing pros. A little known fact about "Brander Jim" is that he has worked on some famous slogan campaigns. Remember SAY WA? Well Brander Jim came up with the second and third place winners in that contest, SO WA? and WA? Jim also coined the famous Marysville phrase, "Home of the Virgin Mary (okay, just Mary)". He tried to use these slogans again in this contest but it did not fool one attentive reader who blew the whistle on him after blowing diet cola out of his nose.

Brander Jim has made the San Juan's famous by driving around America with a spare-tire cover with the slogans "San Juan Islands, 247 days of sun shine! Guaranteed to be surrounded by water or your money back!" These slogans are winners that have already become famous.

Another rule I added was that the slogans had to be "ORIGINAL". There were 2 slogans entered that have been floating around in the oral traditions of the Islands for generations. Credit must be given to Scott Bell and Amy Wynn who grabbed these slogans by the tail and dragged them kicking and screaming into print and sent them through cyberspace where they ended up in the branding contest. These are absolutely great slogans that have the ring of truth as well as being hilarious. They cracked everyone up who had not heard them before but unfortunately we could not award them a prize. Here they are:

"Romantic San Juan Islands, where you never lose your sweetheart, just your turn! "

"Looking for a date in the Islands?
The odds are good but the goods are odd."

So, how did the judges decide upon the winners? We used the process of elimination and the democratic voting method. All entries were anonymous so as not to prejudice the judges' decisions. Believe me it was hard to decide; especially in the dark. Here are the top ten slogans:

10. San Juan Islands, Where no whacky idea is without a sponsor.
Yours truly

9. San Juan Islands, Off the coast but still on the chart.
Anonymous.

8. San Juan Islands, Where liberal hypocrisy reigns supreme.
Ray Bigler

7. San Juan Islands, Where common sense takes a holiday.
T. Jefferson

6. San Juan Islands, Where everybody's business is everybody's business.
Margaret Bell

5. San Juan Islands, Where government raises taxes to make living more affordable.
John Evans

4. San Juan Islands, West of conventional.
Anonymous

3. San Juan Islands, Where rich liberals settle to repent.
General G. Pickett

2. San Juan Islands, Go East for free!
Elwa G. Ferry

Number one! And the winner is -drum roll please:

1. "San Juan Islands, Left of America, Right of Canada"
-Alex Gavora

We plan to award a nice prize to Alex Gavora. We have yet to determine what the cash prize will be except to say that as of the published date of this column she has the promised amazing fame.

We plan to make bumper stickers out of many of these slogans and paste them on the cars of unsuspecting tourists so that when they go back home people will be exposed to our Island sense of humor and stay away. But seriously, we will make some of these into t-shirts. Some of the wordy slogans will only fit on double –X size. The more succinct slogans will easily fit on petite sizes and on bumper stickers. So that is the end of the branding contest until next time. Thanks for sending in your slogans!
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Saturday, November 11th

The Branding Contest Continues!

We have been swamped with slogans. As I write this there are more in my email. There are so many good ones it will be hard to pick a winner and we haven't even told you what the prize is! We have extended the deadline for getting your slogans in.

The slogans reveal a lot about who we are. If you have lived here for a while you understand the schizophrenic nature of Islanders when it comes to sharing this place. We want visitors but we don't want them. I'm not surprised that this attitude showed up in the "branding process". If you are a visitor reading this don't be alarmed! We want you here and we want you to go away. Confused yet? Keep reading.

Some of you used this opportunity to vent frustration. That's good. Get it out! Others took this opportunity seriously. Most of us did not. Some were funny so I included them even though they had nothing to do with promoting the Islands. Some of the entries were deleted, censored or corrected for spelling and grammar (pay attention if you graduated from a local high school)! So if you don't see yours on this list shame on you anyway!

We received this bit of information from the hard working divas at the Visitor's Bureau:

"As you know, the branding process can be VERY expensive, then everyone in the community says "I could have come up with that – or something better"! As you might know, the Town of Friday Harbor funded branding research a few years ago and came up with "A Natural Playground." We used it for a bit, but two County Commissioners didn't like it, so we stopped. It made one of them think of Disneyland."

Unlike the Town of Friday Harbor our branding contest was not expensive at all and it shows. It is sad that any money was spent on the lame slogan "A Natural Playground". Like I said, we can do better and I think we did. So here are the top entries so far:

San Juan Island 247 Days of Sunshine (the other 118 suck)

Guaranteed to be Surround by Water Or Your Money Back.

On the mainland they "SAY WA?", on the islands we say WAHOO!

SAY WA? Say Juan. San Juans!

San Juan Islands, WA?

San Juan Islands, Our name only sounds Puerto Rican

San Juan Islands, Home of the Virgin Mary (Okay, Just Mary)

San Juan Islands, World's Largest Grape (Isn't Here)

San Juan Islands, Buy a lot of stuff and go home.
Friday Harbor: It's Island Time
San Juan Islands, West of conventional

San Juan Islands, Off the coast but still on the chart.

SJ Planning and Development, Making The Easy Impossible!

San Juan County Council where everyone is entitled to hear their opinion.

The Friends of the San Juans, building a bridge to anywhere else!

Romantic San Juan Islands, where you never lose your sweetheart, just your turn!

Retire to the San Juans, where your dream house is our nightmare!

Come to the scenic Californicated San Juan Islands

San Juan Islands, North of California

Ruined where you live? Move to the San Juan Islands

The San Juans, where Real Estate Agents and Attorneys outnumber the rest of us.

Visit the San Juans?…never, now more than ever!

San Juan Islands, We have met our quota now.

Ride the ferries… What could possibly go wrong!

Ask a local…we'll tell you where to go!

Visit historic Friday Harbor…the quaint little fishing village it never was!

Paradise in the Pacific Northwest

There's a reason why people live on islands.

Isles of mystery

San Juan Islands, No, not the ones you think of first, The other ones.

San Juan Islands, Where everyone is treated equally, Except those that aren't.

San Juan Islands, Still Floating.

San Juan Islands, Ride the ferry back home free!

San Juan Island, Home of the Haves and Have Nots.

San Juan Islands, These ancient mountain-tops are easier to climb now that they've sunk.

San Juan Islands, I'm here, you can leave now.

Come back when you can't stay so long.

San Juan Islands, If you pick us we'll pick you clean.

San Juan Islands, Over 740 Islands at low tide. Not as many at high tide.

San Juan Islands, Totally connected under water

San Juan Islands, More to Explore

San Juan Islands, Visit this year, It will cost you more next year.

San Juan Islands, One of the few places you can't get lost.

San Juan Islands, get lost!
San Juan Islands, Much to do about Nothing

San Juan Islands, Settle down, we have.

San Juan Islands, Visit our time warp.

San Juan Islands, October through April is the best time to visit.

San Juan Islands, We don't charge you to leave.

Looking for a date in the Islands?

The odds are good but the goods are odd.

San Juan Islands, Attitude surrounded by water

San Juan Islands, Not just for witness protection anymore.

The San Juans, where liberal hypocrisy reigns supreme
San Juan Islands, only 3622 driving miles to Key West

San Juan Islands, if you lived here and are retired you wouldn't care about branding the islands

San Juan Islands, Conveniently located North of the Equator
South of the North Pole

San Juan Islands, if it was always below freezing you could skate here from the mainland.

San Juan Islands, all 743 of 'em surrounded by water
Visit and prove us wrong.

San Juan Islands, The land of Milk & Honey, if the ferry delivers it.

San Juan Islands, Where $3.00 a gallon gas is a bargain.

San Juan Islands, Even our Jails are scenic!

As you can see we really need some serious slogans! You can do better than this. We are still accepting entries! Now that you get the idea send them in right away to:
editor@islandguardian.com.
Or stop me on the street and tell me your slogan. I will try to remember it.

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Monday, November 6th

Branding the San Juan's

I attended the annual meeting of the San Juan Visitors Bureau the other day. We are fortunate to have such a dedicated professional staff for this important office. Our new County Administrator, Mr. Pete Rose, was the featured speaker. I was impressed with his business savvy.

I left the luncheon with the impression that he really understands the fact that if island businesses are successful then tax revenues will increase. He also understands the interdependence of our local economy with the visitor industry. His work as an advocate of agriculture and wine making and the promotion and "branding" of that particular niche market proved to be a brilliant strategy for luring visitors and producing revenues for Woodinville.

Of course the St. Michelle and Columbia Wineries have a huge advantage over San Juan County. They can bring in tourists and give them a snoot full of Zinfandel. Then unscrupulous merchants can take advantage of their tipsy condition and pick their pockets. In the Islands we can offer them a scenic overdose of nature but this does not necessarily fog their minds enough to compel them to empty their wallets.

One thing that Mr. Rose pointed out is that we need to "brand" this place and go forth and promote that brand. This is a trend that San Jaun County is missing out on. It is called strategic place marketing. The idea is to promote the image of a place with some catchy slogan. The goal is to find a slogan that plays up the characteristics of a place, emphasizes its strengths, and must have the "ring of truth".

I recently completed a cross-country drive. I saw quite a few billboards promoting places to visit. Many cities and counties have promotional slogans. For example, Cherokee County, Alabama is the "The Crappie Capital of the World" (I guess it is a Crappie place. Hopefully it does not demonstrate the "ring of truth" doctrine above).

Smaller places also are adopting slogans. I passed an exit off the Interstate that had one that rhymed: "Exit 27A: Shop, Play, Stay." If exits can do this why can't we? We have a lot more to offer than a silly freeway exit.

Other examples of marketing names include; Washington State, "SAY WA?" (This may be the dumbest one I have ever heard), Seattle "The Emerald City", and most recently "Metro-Natural", Tacoma "City of Destiny", New Orleans "Chocolate City" (sprinkled with nuts), King County, "Where dead felons can still vote", "Supernatural" British Columbia (Actually Victoria should be the Crappie Capital of the world. Spewing raw sewage into our surrounding waters violates the "ring of truth" doctrine.) and of course Friday Harbor, "A small drinking town with a fishing problem".

Las Vegas has had many slogans over the years. I remember it was called "Sin City" (Like Friday Harbor). Then a "Family Friendly" place. That was a complete flop. Now they say, "What happens here stays here," (Thus illustrating the "ring of truth" doctrine).

Now I know we can do better than this if we give it some serious thought. After all, we know all the things that make the islands such a special place. So I propose a slogan contest for San Juan County so that we can have a unique and catchy promotional slogan all our own.

Below are 2 categories for the contest. I have put a few examples in each so you get the idea. In addition to amazing fame you will also receive a cash prize awarded for the best entry (amount as yet to be determined). Anyone can enter. I know you can do better than this.

Category one: Tourism promotional slogans:
A nice place to visit but don't even think of moving here!
Have a whale of a time.
Let us buy you a house!
Get Away, Without Going Far Away, Just Go Away!

Category two: San Juan Islands . . . (fill in the blank)
Where the ferries have funny names
Where no whacky idea is without a sponsor
Where a 4-way stop yield goes around and around
We have a lot of rock.
Real Estate Agent Capital of the World

Now that you get the idea send in your entries right away to:
editor@islandguardian.com.

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