Island Guardian

Saturday, October 28th

Everyone Loves a "Slinky"

Remember the wire spring "Slinky" fun toy? When I was young they were very popular because they were fascinating to watch. So let me ask you a question, here goes; do you know what a slinky and a politician have in common? Give up? Okay. It's fun to watch them both fall down the stairs!

Seeing the politicians clown around in Washington DC is like watching the Three Stooges show. "Pick out two!" BOING! POKE! OW!! "Neee-yuck nyuk nyuk. Hey Moe! Look out for that intern!" SLAP! Some politicians just don't take their jobs seriously.

That may be the reason why embarrassing a leader seems to be the goal of politics. We pull the rug out from under them and laugh as they fall flat on their faces. We just can't wait to see how they handle the next crisis so we can point out what they did wrong and blame them for any mistakes. We have this need to bring them down a notch or two.

We love to see chaos because it is comical to watch our fearless leaders bumble around playing Keystone Cops. They can never catch the bad guys because we refuse to let them have the tools they need to win and we change the rules if they get close to success. "Let's see you win a fight with both hands tied behind your back. Ha! Try that you moron!"

It is great sport to undermine our leaders but we should realize that there are times when we need to stand together and support our chosen representatives. In times of war weakening our leaders weakens us all.

Recently I have noticed that the fun we have been having at the expense of our leaders has turned more vicious. I think this is a serious problem for our nation. It's like kids roughhousing until someone really gets hurt. Then things either escalate into more anger and hostility or we shake hands apologize and keep playing. I fear things are escalating.

In this context "Divided we fall" is a notion worth contemplating. We have an enemy that has demonstrated the total absence of moral boundaries. They intentionally kill the innocent indiscriminately and with abandon. The threat to our nation is dead serious. Can a nation so bent on seeing our leaders fail ever unite in this struggle against terrorism?

Our enemies love to exploit our differences. We see them ratcheting-up violent attacks in order to divide people at election time. They intend to use the divisions among us to weaken our Commander-in Chief. Then they can stand back and watch as a divided Congress sets the Slinky in motion down the stairs. Terrorists will have a good hearty laugh along with half the country. No political party wins when this happens. We all lose.

I disagree with those who invite defeat to teach America a lesson. I question the wisdom of those who promise impeachment and attempt to legitimize the rights of terrorists who vow to kill us. I am saddened by those who want us to lose because they hate our leaders and want to see them fail. But everyone is entitled to his or her opinion. In America people are free to believe what they want.

And if you believe our enemies are recruiting more martyrs into jihad because we have stood up to them, then just wait until we back down and withdraw. Showing weakness will embolden our terrorist enemies like never before and swell their ranks.

After the attacks on Pearl Harbor it would be inconceivable to hear this kind of rhetoric. Can you imagine anyone saying, "Gee Whiz, by defending ourselves we are just recruiting more Kamikaze pilots to attack us. We're making them angry. We should get out now!"

A majority of people in San Juan County recently cast ballots in a "get out now!" advisory vote. Not me. Running away would betray the wavering hopes of the Iraqi people and shatter the confidence that our allies have in us. Who could ever trust us to honor our commitments again?

It could lead to the rise of a fascist terrorist state in control of enormous oil reserves. It would end any hope of the spread of democracy and stability in the Middle East. It would mean that we have lost confidence in people's ability to choose freedom and liberty over oppression and despair. It would mean that we have lost our will to confront evil in the world. Worst of all it would mean that the sacrifices of our brave volunteer American troops would have been in vain.

Unless I am totally wrong about the threats we face from terrorism, we should stop pushing each other down the stairs and at least agree that defeat is unacceptable. It is not slapstick comedy. It is no joke. Divided we fall. I pray we stand united instead.
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Wednesday, October 25th

Oh No! Not Another Crisis!

We live in a bizarre media culture where everyday seems to bring a new crisis. Why do the news people feel it is their job to scare the crap out of the audience on a daily basis? For example, why do we need "Pinpoint Severe Weather" and "Extreme Storm Watch" on a nice sunny day?

As a response to every media-hyped crisis there is always a dramatic overreaction. We slaughter massive quantities of birds because we are afraid of bird flu, and because one field has bad spinach we plow under every last plant. If there is no real crisis we can depend on the "big media" to make one up.

Take the drinking water craze for example. Advertisers told us to drink more water even if we weren't thirsty. So now everyone carries around a bottle of water for fear they may dry up and blow away like dust if they don't suck it down like there was no tomorrow. You can even see people walking around with the patented backpack full of water making slurping noises through the straw device. You never know when you might get lost and accidentally wander into the Sahara Desert.

And wouldn't you know it, the media tells us that our drinking water is full of germs. The answer was to dump in so much bleach that it's like drinking out of a swimming pool. Each crisis has been met with any number of absurd solutions. But we must overcome our media induced fear and be brave.

So just when I worked up the courage to go outside again along comes another crisis: "The scourge of obesity". According to news reports one out of three people weighs as much as the other two. If you look around you can see it. "Obese" is not a big enough word to describe some people.

Once the media proclaims there is a weighty new fat crisis it is the job of the quick response food marketing swat teams to jump into action and print up new labels to put on all fatty foods. The labels must proclaim that the products are fat-free. Can I eat candy and not get fat because the label says fat-free? It is confusing. No wonder so many people are overweight.

Then I was at the market minding my own business. I was trying to avoid eye contact with the potato chips but I quickly stole a glance at them. That's when the potato chip bag screamed at me from the shelf. "WE HAVE NO TRANS FAT! "And down every aisle of the market labels were screaming at me about trans fat. Why should I be afraid of trans fat? What the heck is it? So I looked it up.

Basically trans fat consists of hydrogenated oil and can be found in the center of Oreo cookies, in French fries, potato chips, basically any food that tastes good. It was put there by the evil geniuses at "big lard".

Like ‘big media" or "big oil", the bad boys at "big lard" are the new greedy corporate scoundrels. They consist notably of the fast food, snack food, chip food, fried food and baked good industries. The media has pulled the pants down and exposed "big lard" as the perpetrator of plumpness. The heavy-handed response to this crisis can't be far behind.

Many tofu-eating exercise enthusiasts think it is about time that "big government" stepped in to regulate "big lard". They argue that it costs everyone when people get sick from eating too many double cheeseburgers. Health food eaters should not be taxed to pay for triple bypass operations for the folks who continually stuff their pie holes full of cookies and greasy potato chips.

A government ban on fat foods is the next logical step. We may no longer have the freedom to decide what food we want to eat. Someday those people who want to enjoy a side order of curly fries or a double stuffed cookie will have to stand outside in the cold with the smokers in order to satisfy their craving for trans fat. "If fat is outlawed only outlaws will be fat". It will be easy to round up the usual suspects because it is hard to hide hefty and the cause of that chubbiness will no doubt be traced back to illegal foods.

One thing is certain, the fear mongering of "big media" will not diminish. I think the only healthy choice is to turn off the television.

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Friday, October 13th

Volunteers Needed

Volunteers needed. These words strike fear into the hearts of many. If you want to see people vanish like magic just ask for volunteers. Just mentioning that you may need help on your committee makes islanders dive for cover like Dick Cheney's hunting partners.

I'm not a big joiner of groups anymore. I am afraid to go to meetings because I will get appointed to some committee. Not showing up can also be dangerous because you can still get elected to something. The old members want out and they're looking for a sucker.

Community groups are always recruiting volunteers. We all live in fear of this question: Will you serve on our uppity board? Our Island Chapter of the United Presumptuous People in Tiny Yurts (UPPITY) will have to dissolve if you refuse to help us. It is such a good cause. What will we do if no one steps up to volunteer? Children will starve, old folks will behave strangely, Yurts will no longer be considered as affordable housing alternatives, nobody will have any water, litter will be everywhere, and the communists from Waldron will take over and grow pot everywhere.

Weak people crack easily under this kind of pressure. Some people who get appointed to committees are easily intimidated. They just can't say "no" when so much is at stake. And you know what? Many of these people don't show up once they are appointed anyway. When they do attend a meeting they sit in abject fear of getting an assignment. They say nothing, avoid eye contact, and always have an excuse. "I can't lick envelopes because my cat is sick".

On the other hand there are those "Helpy Helpertons" who volunteer for everything. Chances are you know someone like this. They seem to have an endless supply of energy and a bag of tricks that can persuade others to do things they would not normally do unless they drank spiked punch or were otherwise hoodwinked into it.

But these "busy bees" can't keep up the pace forever. One day the stress will get to them. Their eyes will glaze over as they begin to drool. That's when the helicopter will come and take them to the hospital. They will end up sitting in a dark corner somewhere for several months muttering to themselves, "phone tree, sign-up list, potluck".

People will ask, "Why did she quit? What's wrong with her? My gosh, is that spittle on her chin?"
"She was on 6 committees and 2 Boards until the helicopter flew her off. She's a real example of what nervous tension can do to a volunteer. She finally cracked."

"Volunteer Burn Out" is the Island's own pandemic and many of us are diseased. We don't want the well-intentioned group to fall apart without us and yet we don't quite have the energy to continue. So we hide out like a wanted terrorist because we are too tired to make a difference anymore.

But wait! There is a solution to this problem and it involves our own Realtors. They should be the first responders to this crisis. They should be responsible to inform every prospective homebuyer what is expected of them committee-wise. For the first 5 years that a new person lives here they must pay their dues. Pick at least one committee, or board, or charitable non-profit-uppity-friend-of-something organization. Join up or we won't sell you a house. It could be as simple as that.

The volunteer way or the highway policy would have several benefits. Obviously we could all resign immediately from the boards and committees we serve on now. And it would slow growth because some potential homebuyers will refuse to answer the "volunteers needed" call.

Some will refuse and say, "We aren't moving to the San Juan Islands, thank you very much. We wanted to enjoy the quality of life here not spend all of our time volunteering for everything."

So there you go. This could be a growth control tool. Another problem solved!

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Monday, October 2nd

Holy Smoke!

ig_Gordy_Colum_Photo-1 (78k image)
(Gordy Petersen photo)

Right outside my office door there is a sign warning smokers of a $20,500 fine for cigarette butt littering. If they toss their butts they can get their butts tossed in jail!

The sign is right next to a pile of cigarette butts and a cleverly disguised trashcan. The trashcan is one of the town's high security garbage containers complete with bars and padlocks. (You would think there is something worth stealing in there, but no, I checked it out.) Why do smokers toss their butts on the ground when there is a warning sign and a secure bulletproof container in plain sight?

Are smokers afraid of setting off some kind of silent alarm in the secure garbage can that triggers the town's rapid-response-garbage-police? Can't they read? Or what?

For sure they are not afraid of law enforcement or the hefty fine. Like the TV ad campaign, "Litter and it will hurt" is pretty much a joke. I have never heard of this law being strictly enforced.

But you would have to be blind as a bat not to notice there is a pandemic outbreak of cigarette butt litter. It is a fact that everywhere a smoking ban has been passed the sport of butt flinging has increased exponentially.

This is bad news. It is estimated that each year several trillion-cigarette butts are littered worldwide (many of them in Friday Harbor). It is the number one cause of destructive fires and it's a big ecological problem. Slow decomposing putrid butts are plugging planters, clogging gutters, and washing into the sea, frightening fish, gagging gulls, and wasting whales.

Are smokers intentionally trying to destroy the earth or is this new wave of cigarette butt litter a backlash against the recent laws foisted on smokers by the combative anti-smoking crusaders? I decided to investigate this and what I learned might surprise you.

Here are some general observations. Many smokers are almost always responsible about where they put their butts. But virtually all smokers if they are honest will admit to occasionally sticking their butt where it doesn't belong. Most smokers believe they have a right to smoke and wish the cantankerous anti-smoking jihadists would butt out.

There are several categories of smokers that litter. There is the sneaky butt flicker. This smoker is an expert at concealing the clandestine action of dropping the butt. They may use distraction (There goes Bigfoot!) as they drop their butt. Some will drop a butt out of the car window as they speed away from the scene of the crime.

Some butt flingers are just plain lazy. They will walk a mile for a Camel but wont take two steps to the trashcan. Some smokers are in denial and do not think they are doing any harm by tossing their butt. Stupid is what stupid does.

I don't smoke but if I did I would be tempted to litter because I detest the intolerance of society toward my right to smoke. This attitude is widespread. I have talked to many smokers standing outside of their favorite local gathering places to satisfy their craving for nicotine and savor the flavor of their smoke. For this they are isolated like diseased lepers or worthless bums. It is no wonder that butt litter increases everywhere people are ostracized, alienated, and disenfranchised. They have been forced from places where they previously felt comfortable because of the intolerance of some narrow-minded campaigners from the ButtsOut! Mafia.

Like I said, I don't smoke. I also don't break burrito wind in a crowded room. That would be rude, vulgar, and offensive behavior, and that's what some people think smokers are like. Bad manners should not be tolerated. It all comes down to tolerance and personal responsibility.

And most smokers are polite friendly folks who recently have been beaten like abused puppies. They feel the enormous weight of the guilt trip that society has laid on them because of a habit they have trouble controlling. They are tired of apologizing all the time. The only way to get some satisfaction out of smoking anymore is to toss an occasional butt for some sanctimonious litter control freak to whine about.

I am one of those litter control freaks but I'm not a whiner. I pick up dozens of butts every day then like a common burglar I break into the secure trashcan to deposit them. (I have yet to set off the alarm).

I did not vote for the smoking ban because it seemed mean spirited. I predicted this "butts in your face" backlash would occurr. I was also afraid that if all smoking was moved outside it could harm the atmosphere. The curtains the furniture and my old sweater previously absorbed all the harmful pollutants caused by cigarette smoke. Now where does all that smoke go?

If you think I am going to ramble on here without offering a solution then you are wrong. If no one is willing to enforce the penalties then I offer another option. I wish everyone who voted to ban smoking indoors and now feigns righteous indignation because of all the litter would ante-up into a big butt reward fund. Everyone who picked up butts could take them to the dump and present them to the guy in the Lazy-Boy chair. He could count them and in the fullness of time he would send the butt collector up the hill to the guy with the money to get his reward. I think a nickel-a-butt would keep the streets clean.

We might even see a homeless bag lady fighting over them. I can hear her now; "Get your hands off my butt!" If she got busy outside Herb's and the Legion it would not take her long to get into the affordable housing program!

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