Island Guardian

Sunday, May 22nd

ANNOY A LIBERAL?

I recently arrived home from a trip to the canyon lands of Utah and Arizona. The highways are both scenic and dangerous. I was following the car in front of me too closely. We were winding around curves on a mountain road with cliffs that dropped down thousands of feet and no guardrails. That is when I saw it. A bumper sticker that almost caused us to plunge off the edge like "Thelma and Louise." It said Annoy a Liberal.

It was not fair for me to laugh. After serious reflection I realized that this bumper sticker goes too far because today liberals are annoyed at just about everything. They have lost almost all sense of humor. They are super sensitive about so many things. It does not help to pile it on.

Take my lawnmower for instance. It is a self-mulching Bushmaster and it annoys liberals. You apparently can not use the word "bush" anywhere near the word "master" for fear of offending a liberal.

In fact you have to be careful how you use the word "bush" no matter what. It is better to tread softly to avoid kicking their hornet's nest. So when referring to bushes you should say shrubbery, underbrush, or thicket instead. Like, "Look at all the rabbits in the shrubbery". "Honey, look at the cute little fox in the thicket." Or, "When are you going to mow the underbrush with the Blankmaster?"

It is really not necessary to annoy a liberal because the media has taken on this job. The newspaper headlines are intended to irk liberals daily. "Bush to cut funding for affordable housing, Bush to open national forests to logging, Bush declares war on Social Security". Now there may be more to these stories than meets the eye but a liberal would have to read the entire article to find it. And after glancing at the headline most liberals see red and not black and white print.

And network TV news is full of doom and gloom. It causes permanent wrinkles of pessimistic concern to appear on the foreheads of my liberal friends. Why do the news people feel it is their job to annoy the liberal audience on a daily basis?

Even good news makes liberals hopping mad. The economy is doing well, jobs are expanding, and for the first time in history the possibility of democracy exists in the Middle East, all to their chagrin. Nothing should be going well. It is not fair. Liberals are exasperated.

So I will not snicker at the bumper sticker. If I ever see it again I will ask the person with the sticker to have mercy and remove it please. Liberals are too annoyed already. Let us be more civil and replace it with one that is so ambiguous that everyone can enjoy it. How about "Stop Annoying Liberals". It can go right next to the "John Kerry" sticker that is still on their bumpers. Conservatives can put it on their front bumper next to the "Run Hillary Run" sticker. And when driving try to keep a safe following distance. That way you can avoid reading stupid bumper stickers.

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Saturday, May 14th

Crime Spree

I have been interested in stupid laws for a long time. Ten years ago I heard about a contest to submit the dumbest law. The "2 toilet law" of Waldron Island came to mind. So I entered it and I won! I understand that some people on Waldron were offended by my cynicism. I thought the law was really funny. I am sorry.

Anyway, I was surfing the world-wide-web the other day and I ran across dumblaw.com. I clicked on Washington State and there it was! The "2 toilet law"! Here is what it says:

Law: No structure shall contain more than two toilets that use potable water for flushing. -San Juan County Ordinance NO. 7 -1995 (Passed June 7,1995)
Explanation: Water conservation is a major concern on small islands. This law was enacted with the best intent. However, lawmakers failed to realize that people will always have the need to relieve themselves the same amount, regardless of the number of toilets. Thus, the same amount of water will always be used.

This little gem is now world famous because it is so weird. I was amazed at some of the other laws still on the books in our State.

For instance, in Seattle you may not carry a concealed weapon that is over six feet in length. This law seems backwards to me. All concealed weapons should be at least six feet long. If this kind of weapon was concealed the person would have to limp around with it down their pant leg. You could easily pick the weapon carriers out of the crowd and avoid them. They couldn't put the weapon against your back and reach your wallet at the same time. This would reduce muggings. And they certainly could not whip it out quickly and surprise you with it.

There are so many strange laws in Washington State. If I was going on a crime spree these are the ones I would break. Here is the first one.

"It is mandatory for a motorist with criminal intentions to stop at the city limits and telephone the chief of police as he is entering the town." I would not do this even though I plan to illegally suck on a lollipop and shuck peanuts on the street (both of these activities are banned in our State).

I continue on my crime spree. "People may not buy a mattress on Sunday". I would drive right to Sleep Country and pick one out. I would also break the law by driving improperly. Because the law clearly states, "All motor vehicles must be preceded by a man carrying a red flag (daytime) or a red lantern (nighttime) fifty feet in front of said vehicle."

"It is illegal to pretend that one's parents are rich." I could break several laws here by renting a fancy convertible sports car and printing up a bumper sticker that says "spoiled child" and driving to the store on Sunday to pick out some hamburger. On the way I would spit out the window at a passing bus. Because it is against the law to spit on a bus and you cannot buy meat of any kind on Sunday.

Next I would "Go Greyhound" to break some more laws. There are some real strict laws governing behavior on busses. Breaking these could get me locked up in Walla Walla. "Women who sit on men's laps on buses or trains without placing a pillow between them face an automatic six-month jail term. It is illegal to carry a fishbowl or aquarium onto a bus because the sound of the water sloshing may disturb other passengers." The challenge here would be to get a girl to sit on my lap while holding a fishbowl. I wonder if sitting in the bowl on my lap would substitute for the pillow or would that compound the crime?

While I am in Walla Walla I would feed the pigeons with airline food. "It is illegal to give noxious substances to a bird in any city park."

I would then travel to Everett where it is illegal to "display a hypnotized or allegedly hypnotized person in a store window". I know a blonde and several spaced out friends. I could probably get one of them to sneak behind the window at the Mall and just hang around. I am sure we could get busted.

In Lynden "Dancing and drinking may not occur at the same establishment." This could have a greater degree of difficulty because it is not easy to find a drinking establishment in Lynden. But once I found one with a "juke box" I would load it up with quarters press the number for Land of 1000 Dances and commence to do the "Mashed Potato".

Now I will head East to Spokane where "TV's may not be bought on Sundays, no one may kneel on a pedestrian skywalk, and persons may not wear a life jacket near the Spokane River".

Then on to Wilbur Washington where "You may not ride an ugly horse." I will find one. I can go right up to one and ask hey, why the long face? Then mount-up and take a ride to the Sheriff's office where I will turn myself in. And that will complete my crime spree.

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Saturday, May 7th

Row Vs Wade

The largest sections of the U.S. border lie along bodies of water. There are the two big oceans, the Great Lakes, the Rio Grande and other rivers, and here in San Juan County our entire border is water.

The Mexican Government's 31 page guidebook to help illegal workers enter this country safely gives some good advice. For instance, do not wear heavy clothing while crossing the river; and before wading in spend the $5 dollars for an inner tube and a paddle.

The row vs. wade argument seems silly. I don¹t care how illegal immigrants get here we need to put a stop to it. It doesn't matter if they row; wade, swim, or come across as boat people.

The "Minutemen" have made headlines recently for their effort to help control the U.S. Mexico border. It seems to have worked. But like sticking a finger in the dike the flood of people will squirt in somewhere else. And with the flood there are potential threats to our security.

More than half of the 1.1 million illegal immigrants apprehended in the United States last year entered at the Mexico-Arizona border. Recent intelligence suggested al-Qaida terrorists might enter at that point. This was a good place for the Minutemen to start. But we should not ignore the border around the Islands.

The U.S. northern border along Canada is twice as long as the southern border along Mexico. Our area is especially dangerous because customs officials caught a man with explosives trying to enter Washington State from Canada in December 1999 in what has become known as the "millennium terrorist plot". We live in the tried and true area that terrorists have used to cross into our country to bring harm. It could happen again.

San Juan County has a rich and exciting history of smuggling and illegal immigration. There has been everything smuggled from Chinese workers, whiskey, wool, and BC bud. Dozens of unsavory types have tried to avoid the customs people by sneaking in through the Islands. Many have been caught because locals tipped off the authorities.

In recent polls 94% of Americans think we should do a better job controlling the chaos at the borders. 67% think deploying troops along the border would be a good idea (the numbers may be less here). But the bottom line is that folks are really concerned about this. And our government is not doing much about it. But "we the people" are the government.

So we can be more vigilant about watching the border. Miles of border lie just outside many of our windows. Some of us spend a lot of time in boats or at the beaches. We can be sort of our own unique brand of "Island Minute Persons". Reporting suspicious stuff to the local authorities might help us avoid terrorist threats.

It would be better to call the sheriff if you see something questionable than having troops all over the Islands after the next attack. I wish our leaders would respond to this problem before that happens. I hope that is not what it will take to get their attention. So be on the lookout for rowers and waders and report them.

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Sunday, May 1st

SAVING SALMON (In their own words)

I miss the winter sport-fishing season. I was used to spending the cold rainy days out on the water catching salmon. Now fishing is closed during the good months of winter. Oppressive restrictions now strictly limit salmon fishing and the Department of Fish and Wildlife has become as autocratic in their authority as the Taliban. The numbers of fish keep declining and I feel guilty for trying to catch them. I wish there were something I could do to help. So I had an idea.

I thought that if salmon could talk they may be able to help us in our quest to save them. But have we really listened to them? So I tried a psychic mind meld with "scargill" the last old Chinook I caught. It worked. He went on a rant that sounded something like this,

" If you want to help us quit saving the damn whales and sea lions. They are picking us off like crazy. And bring back the bounty on seals for crying out loud. Seals are always chasing us around taking bites out of us".

"You people look ridiculous spewing over the rail of those whale-watch boats. What is the big deal anyway? You treat the whales like giant poodles. They're not cute little pets they're murderers! "

"If you want to save us why not put those whale watching boats to use as taxis to drop us off right in our spawning areas? Do you know how hard it is to swim up the river past the nets and dams?"

"And why did you let all the small fry's out of the hatcheries without first making sure there was enough to eat for the rest of us? What were you thinking? We need more snack food. Herring, anchovies, sand lance, surf smelt, any little darting fish would do."

"And you can tell the sport fishermen that we're getting smarter. The ones they catch don't live to spawn. They are the dumb ones. Not many of them are left in the gene pool. And those little glowing rattle lures are a joke. We would never fall for those."

" And if you think you are smart when you put those little tags in our noses, well that hurts. And we don't even run, we swim. I have never even owned a jogging suit. We would not be caught dead in shorts and sneakers either."

"If you want to help us don't love us to death. Take us out of the smokers and off the menus. Let some of us die a natural death and fertilize the riverbanks so trees can grow bigger to provide shade and then fall in when it floods. And tell the clowns at the Army Corps of Engineers to leave some deadheads in the little streams and rivers. We like to hide under them. And quit throwing your garbage in the rivers."

"And for heaven's sake stop using the sound like a toilet. Those people in Victoria should knock it off. We have to swim through their sewage and some of us don¹t make it. So that is how you can help us out!"

All right, I lied. I am not a fish psychic. But a fish-eye view of the world should be considered. There are things we can do to help. I just hope we can do it before we see the last of these flashing silver creatures.

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