Island Guardian

Wednesday, January 24th

Cracked Windshield Crisis

Do you have a rock chip in your windshield? Have you noticed that the roads seem to be deteriorating? Do you ever wonder why the county fixes a perfectly good road and makes it worse? Why is the shoulder impossibly hard for bicycles to ride on? I went to the Road Maintenance 101 mini-seminar expecting answers. I was disappointed.

A lot of information was presented about the way roads have been maintained up to now. There wasn't a simple answer to the questions above but there were some suggested explanations.

For instance, did you know that the solution to the "cracked windshield crisis" that has literally broken out in epidemic proportions all over the county is simply sweeping the loose gravel off the roads? Problem solved. Why don't they do it?

Like a miracle drug every cure has side effects (i.e. diarrhea, possible four hour erection, sneezing, don't operate heavy equipment, if you sneeze and have diarrhea and operate heavy equipment there could be possible sexual side effects, etc.). The bad side effect of sweeping the roads is that the loose rocks go to the shoulder of the road and really tick-off bicyclists who have just as much right to the road as a concrete truck only they are more at risk.

There is a safety issue here. Just because the bicyclist is dressed in a funny outfit he should not be run off the side of the road like a bad side effect.

At the Road Maintenance 101 seminar it was stated categorically by the Public Works Director that the "cracked windshield crisis" is really "in the hands of drivers. If you slow down, there is no problem".

Following this logic out a bit farther I guess there would be "no problem" if we all just preemptively bashed out our car windshields with a sledgehammer and drove slowly down the road wearing funny helmets with face guards. But then we might be mistaken for bicyclists and run off the road by a concrete truck.

But seriously, why are our roads deteriorating? It was stated clearly several times that the size of the rock on the roads is not the problem. Absolutely not! That theory was called and I quote, a "conspiracy theory". If someone tells you that the rocks used to surface the roads were too big well they are way off the reservation buddy. Those are the same people who spread the "grassy knoll" military-industrial-complex, black ops theory about JFK. Forget about it. It's not about size stupid! We all know Oswald acted alone.

The simple answer (and I am not making any of these up) is that it could be bad emulsion, the ambient outdoor temperature at the time of application, the lack of a San Juan County storage and staging facility in Anacortes, bad road beds, improper "shot rate" (indicates that the equipment may be shot), inadequate rolling, quality control, etc. One thing is certain. It will take another big expensive study to get to the bottom of this

So the County is calling in a CSI-like team to draw a chalk outline around the potholes and take samples for evidence back to the labs where people in white coats will determine the cause of the road failure beyond a shadow of doubt.

Someone may be responsible for the road problems but it is not Public Works. Only a crackpot would suggest a conspiracy theory like that. But we can rest assured that the problem is being studied carefully. No stone will be left unturned.

This all happens against the backdrop of the 2007 road plan. If the Council does not give policy direction to Public Works the Director said they would do nothing to the roads in 2007. Until the mystery of the failing roads is solved the Council should also do nothing. Is that too much to hope for?

Now being an attentive listener, I picked up on something that could provide an answer as to why the roads are getting worse when we fix them. A clue was stated inadvertently, "The chip spreader that the county uses breaks down a lot". AHA!

Here is my crackpot theory. This machine has many parts made by a French manufacturer. If snail-eating cowards in France made this machine it is no wonder that it gives up all the time. The only thing that works perfectly on the chip spreader is the gismo that raises its arms. Therefore we can blame the French for our "cracked windshield crisis"! Cancel another study boys. Let's go home.

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Wednesday, January 17th

Reverse Global Warming Resolution Already Working!

Did the Council find a Genie-in-a-Bottle that they are keeping secret?

First the "NUKE FREE ZONE", ended the cold war. Then the Iraq advisory vote to "GET OUT NOW!" gave us peace in the Middle East. Now the proposed resolution to reverse "GLOBAL WARMING" in San Juan County has brought us one of the coldest winters on record. Are we on a roll or what!

Healing the sick and raising the dead resolutions can't be far behind. But first, what other problems should we ask our Council to solve? I have an idea.

How about a resolution to give all islanders a fresh new body of our choice whenever we want? I mean really, why is it when you finally get your head together your body falls apart? A new resolution could read like this:

WHEREAS, we all get old and our bodies refuse to cooperate with us anymore. We get aches and pains in places we never had them before and what doesn't hurt doesn't work anyway.

WHEREAS, It is not fair when you sink your teeth into a nice big apple and they stay there and the alphabet soup doesn't come in big type and you can only hear loud noises except for that damn ringing because your ears are hairier than your head.
.
WHEREAS, Your worst enemy is gravity and you quit trying to hold your stomach in when cute girls walk into the room and you give up all your bad habits and you still don't feel good and the only proposition you get is by AARP.

WHEREAS, You enjoy hearing about other people's operations and
"Getting a little action" means you took a crap and you need Viagra to keep from rolling out of bed at night

THEREFORE, Be it resolved that all islanders shall receive a fresh new body of our choice whenever we want!
Rub your Genie-in-a-Bottle for that please and then get back to county business!

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Monday, January 8th

Brief History Of The Islands: Part 3 Island Values & Traditions (i)

Historians have yet to uncover a single instance of anyone ever going hungry in the islands from lack of food. The survival of Pioneers depended on hard work, their skill as hunters, their ability to gather enough food to eat and their willingness to share with others. Fortunately the islands provided a plentiful variety of food and hospitality.

Because many foods were unfamiliar pioneer Islanders had to be very brave. It took courage to try new things. Can you imagine having enough courage to eat the first oyster? But the bravest man did not eat the first oyster. He ate the first slug. The second bravest man ate the first oyster.

Oral traditions of this first encounter with the wild native oyster have been passed down through the generations. It has been said that the pesky mollusk put up quite a fight before it was first tamed and eaten. After many tries it was discovered that the real trick was to open the shell first.(ii)

Some of the first crude island recipes for eating raw oysters have been passed down in the oral tradition. One such pioneer recipe directed the consumer to prepare the delicacy this way:
"First smother the slimy bastard with lemon and horseradish until you can hardly taste the salty little sucker anymore.
Step two, place your index finger and thumb over your nose and squeeze.
Next tilt your head back and slurp it down. Mind the bits of shell now and spit �em out.
Hint: It helps to wash it down with a swig of beer right away then cover your mouth and hold your breath so you don't barf." (iii)

"Fire Roasting" was another fine traditional method of preparing oysters. This technique requires a fire with a bed of hot coals. Oysters are carefully placed flat shell up, and nestled in a small bed of coals on the edge of the fire. As the fire in the middle is stoked the oysters cook in their shells steaming delicately in their own juices. When the shells pop open the oysters are done. Using a pair of tongs the oysters can be removed to cool before eating.

A verbal safety warning in the oral tradition always follows this method from one generation to the next. One-eyed Charlie from Shaw is credited with its origin. (iv ) He said and I quote " Don't get drinkin' and furget what you're doin'. If ya cook �em too long they's libel to explode in your face like a gosh-darn mortar round and put yer eye out".

Not only did the early settlers have to be brave hunters and gatherers they also had a lot to learn about farming. How brave would you have to be to say, "Let's pull on that thing hanging under the goat and drink what comes out". Or, "let's break open and fry-up that thing that just rolled out of that chicken's butt!" So the early pioneers survived in this environment by learning to eat many strange things and trying not to puke. (v)

Early settlers brought values with them that attracted likeminded people. That is one reason for our uniqueness. In 1849 all the greedy gold diggers went to San Francisco and fought over worthless claims while hard-working, penny-wise, fun-loving people came to the islands. Actually at this time in history there were only a handful of island settlers but they were all fun loving and the simplicity of their lives was a magnetic attraction to others.

Simple fashion and casual dress revealed a kind of down-to-earth island style. It is fair to say Islanders could care less what anyone thought of the way they dressed and this is arguably still true today. Clothing styles consisted of suits and dresses made of flour sacks, fur, burlap, or any material that was at hand.

Islanders were ahead of their time when it came to fashion. Dressing like early island settlers is now popular among young people in the Seattle underground "Grunge" movement.

Pioneer Islanders were frugal people. They got by because they lived within their own means and always made the most of what they had. The kind of unpretentiousness and humility islanders have displayed for generations stands in stark contrast to the ridiculous mainland pastime of "Keeping up with the Joneses". To this day more than anything else, this value has enticed people to become islanders.

A genuine spirit of equality is another traditional island characteristic. For instance an upstanding shopkeeper could live in big fancy house and accept as an equal the long bearded hermit wearing shabby clothes, living in a lean-to on a tiny island writing threatening manifestos to corporate executives while twitching and swearing compulsively as the slobber of hard luck dribbles off his chin. (vi) Or for a better example one could go to church wearing nothing but a t-shirt and shorts and still be accepted as equal to the man in the suit and tie.

And as long as he is clean, honest, and works hard, it has always been socially acceptable for an island man to go to a dance dressed in women's clothes and expect to fill out his dance card.(vii) It is only the pretentious self-important people that could expect to be lonely out here in the San Juans. But that is changing today.

A new wave of settlers is descending on the Islands bringing with them the values that destroyed the communities they left behind. Their efforts to exclude others from their population reveal an elitist view of the world. To their dismay they found that too many people are attracted to places that are "exclusive" and "trendy" where only the most fashionable people can afford to live.

These communities eventually become overrun because there are just too many trendy people and they will eventually displace the original resident idealists. Now these displaced people want to move into smaller communities and overrun those. But first they want to pass laws to keep other people like themselves out. (viii)

They have their broken dreams to impose on islanders. They like what they see here and want to help us protect it. Preserve it. But first they would like to establish the same level of services they became accustomed to on the mainland.

We can learn from history and see by looking around that early settlers and their generations of offspring have done a fine job protecting the environment and preserving island values. They did this before any self-righteous preservation group was ever heard of. Unfortunately that has not stopped the new wave of greenhorns from telling everyone exactly how to do it.

Our local preservation groups have swelled their ranks with the uppity "I've arrived" society and now lobby for their favorite annoying law that didn't work in the place they moved away from.

These efforts to pull up the drawbridge have created the unintended consequence of eroding traditional island values. Instead of neighbor helping neighbor now neighbor turns in neighbor for making sawdust without a permit. We create an unaffordable place to live and then tax everyone to make it more affordable for a few. Instead of giving the less fortunate a hand up we give them a hand out. Instead of living within our humble means we have elected people who can't figure out how to govern within a budget and who will eventually tax us out of our homes.

The social implications of this erosion of values means people who were once attracted to these islands because of the simplicity and unpretentiousness they saw in the locals, now find themselves surrounded by massive "starter castles" and passed by in their old pick-ups by expensive sports cars that honk and flip the bird. It is these new fashionable people who bring moving vans full of their mainland values that are changing the social complexion of these islands. Only time will tell if traditional pioneer island values will survive.

Today the Islands are still plentiful. No one goes hungry. We have an abundance of tolerance and a welcoming generous spirit. This is a place of great natural beauty but it is the local people with their traditions and their values that have historically made this a beautiful place to live.
-------------------------------------------
i I know I said part three was The Smugglers. That will be part four and will only be published if I don't get fired for what I wrote above in part three.
ii Oyster shells were a good source of calcium but proved extremely hard to digest.
iii Even though they followed this advice many folks did barf.
iv To his dying day he would have dearly loved to have his sight back.
v In pioneer days it was helpful to have a dog or a little brother to test out new foods.
vi Aqualung. He was an early British settler with greasy fingers who sat on park benches watching little girls and who would fit in quite nicely as a local today.
vii Dance Card: An old tradition where each person dressed like a lady attending any dance must stay until she/he has danced with every smelly old fisherman/woman whatever.
viii You know who you are.

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Wednesday, January 3rd

A Brief History Of The Islands: Part Two

(Warning: What you are about to read is not politically correct. In fact, it may not be correct at all. Read at your own risk)

IN the formative years of the planet ferryboats were not needed to get here. Early man could easily access the San Juan Islands on foot or with snowboards. In fact, to this very day the islands are still totally connected underwater.

The islands are the tops of an ancient submerged mountain range. Today we can observe areas where the sharp edges of giant glaciers peeled down the tops of these islands like a holiday Satsuma leaving them naked as a baby's bottom.

Some theories contend that the islands did not sink but the sea rose and covered up the ancient valleys as a result of global warming. Others argue that the islands sunk from the enormous weight of glacial ice in a global cooling cycle. However, the most popular theory is that man is responsible for submerging the islands because according to most women men screw up everything.

According to legend one man in particular stands out as the guy responsible. George Brown was a pioneer well digger. Some say he drilled a well in one of the ancient valleys and hit the famous Mt. Baker aquifer. He could not cap the gushing well and as a result the water rose to today's' level. Rumors of this ancient aquifer still exist but it is apparently empty.

With the mountain range now mostly covered by water many islands appeared. This brings up the question how did these islands get their funny names anyway?

Spanish explorers wearing comical hats tacked names onto many of the Islands to honor the Viceroy of Mexico. Conveniently his name was big enough to name most of the archipelago. Don Juan Vincente de Guemes Decatur Pacheo y Padilla Orcasitees y Aguayo Blakely Conde de Revilla Sucia Gigedo Shaw de Lopez Jualdron y Stuarte de Jones y Peavine Passe de Turtleback.

So the Islands became known as "The Don Juans" for short. After the Viceroy's death it became "Sans Don Juan" then Don was dropped because it was redundant.

Legend has it that Spanish explorer Lopez de Haro sailed into the Straight of Juan de Fuca looking for the fabled Northwest Passage. One foggy morning he ran aground on the West side of what is now San Juan Island in a wide but shallow inlet. He had plenty of time to think up a name while he waited for the tide to rise. After discarding some rather obscene names for the bay he called it "Bahia Verdadero Nada" which when translated means "not a real bay", and to this day it is still not a true bay.

Our forefathers had many challenges to overcome before they could organize the first government. First they had to decide which islands would be included in this new county.

In 1873 the Territorial Legislature arbitrarily created a new County out of a handful of these 172 islands. Of course there are hundreds more islands at low tide but they decided that they only had one Spanish guy to name them all after and he only had 172 possible names even when all the letters were rearranged.

Anyway, the first County Commission met in Friday Harbor and began to do what they always do which is start spending money. According to records they spent $16.70 for a safe and $12 rent for the County headquarters. This amount was enough to run the county government for the first year. When adjusted for inflation this amount is still less than today's expenses for operating the entire county government bureaucracy for approximately 30 seconds.

The second action this first Commission took was to drop a hint to the commander of U.S. forces on the island, Major General Jeff C. Davis, that since the county now had its own government, military authority was no longer needed in the islands. A letter dated July 16, 1874, written by the Commissioners states:
"Repeating their regret at the loss the county sustains in your departure, they would also express their regret that time will not permit their paying their respects in person or preparing a more appropriate manifestation of their regard" (sorry, no big party for you boys!).

After all those years of protecting the islanders from a British invasion or an Indian raid from the north, our very first Commissioners sent the Army packing without a party or a fond farewell. Attitudes have not changed since. To this day islanders have never elected a Commission that would even think of throwing a party for the troops.

The military had been the only "law" of the islands in the days before self government and that made some people really really mad. And just like today, pioneer islanders did express their anger in letters to the Editor. Excerpts from this scathing letter to the "Washington Standard" still burn with rage:
"No civilized people on earth are subjected to the same degrading petty despotism as practiced upon the residents of San Juan. . . . By what authority can a military officer require that no sale of property, nor lease, nor erection of a fence, nor building, shall take place on San Juan without his consent is first obtained?"

Isn't it ironic that the descendents of this petty despot now run the Permit Center for San Juan County? And that subsequent Boards of Commissioners have instituted all manner of taxes and permits on property just like those that caused this same rage to burn in pioneer days?

It is typical of independent islanders to resent the authority of petty dictators. It is true to this day. But there has never been a shortage of people who want to dictate their own niggling little rules and regulations onto the shoulders of islanders (see "clam worshipers" in part one).

From history it is obvious to see that independence was a strong trait of islanders. Early islanders resisted British rule, shrugged off the authority of their own military, refused to pay taxes to Whatcom (except the ugly sheep), and chose to govern themselves and elect leaders who would never impose burdensome taxes on their own neighbors.

As the population of the islands increased the respect for this important fundamental value decreased. Recently our elected officials seem to have no restraint with regard to imposing taxes on their own neighbors. Today taxes paid per person in San Juan County are by far the highest in the State of Washington. ( Property Tax Statistics 2006 )

Some people believe that the independent spirit and neighborliness seems to have been displaced by newcomers. For example it is puzzling to old timers why someone would turn in a neighbor for building a chicken coop without a permit. And new departments are created to hassle and annoy people who are just doing what islanders have always done. Being independent means they resent a government that increasingly strives to rule their lives.

This dissatisfaction with our leaders over the years has led us in a new direction. Not content with any old government and being a group of distinctive independent individuals, this time �we the people' squeezed the tube of uniqueness and out came home rule. There is no putting it back in the tube now. Here's how it happened.

Twenty-one Freeholders were elected to pass a rusty cannon ball around a circle and think up a new way of governing. They visited many of the islands in their travels and even went to Waldron Island where they met with the bearded ones. They sat in miniature chairs in the old Waldron Schoolhouse ate funny brownies and laughed. Soon after this they came up with a new plan.

The Freeholders believed that the old useless three commissioner ineffective style of government (that we have used since 1873) was running amok and making people really mad. People wanted a change.

So the home rule Charter was passed by voters in 2005 and was implemented in 2006. Now an ineffective six member Council with an Administrator will be allowed to run amok and make people really mad. It is still too early to tell if this kind of governance will be an improvement or not. However with a broader representation on the Council and with the ability to fix things along the way the outlook is optimistic.

Not all of the Council members like the Charter but nobody has actually blown their nose on the original signed copy. Instead certain members have shown their dissatisfaction by pretending it does not really exist or that what is says does not really matter (you know who you are).

When did women come to the islands?
Do you know why the early settlers smuggled sheep?
These questions answered and more. Don't miss Part Three: The Smugglers

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