11/23/2011: "Talking Turkey"

Here are some interesting word appetizers for Thanksgiving to brighten your holiday.

The Bird
Americans go through 46 million turkeys at Thanksgiving. Each turkey has 5000 to 6000 feathers. That’s billions of feathers. Ever wonder what happens to all these feathers? They contain protein. Most are ground up into animal feed. Some are used in the manufacture of yarn. Eating either of these products can cause you to cough up fur balls (not to be confused with footballs which is discussed below).

Today the turkey costs 22 percent more due to growing demand from China for American turkey parts. They are no doubt trying to reverse-engineer these birds and put the parts together into one giant turkey that can fly under the radar and poop out communist propaganda on Taiwan.

The Turkey Shoot
I remember when I shot my first turkey. Boy, I sure scared the crap out of the people down the frozen food aisle. I found out later that the real tradition of the Turkey Shoot is very different. The challenge is to shoot at a target. The best marksman wins a turkey. This sure beats picking the buckshot out of a frozen bird.

Our National Bird
Did you know that the turkey almost became our national symbol? Benjamin Franklin proposed the turkey as the official United States' bird. He was not happy when the bald eagle was chosen over the turkey. Franklin thought the eagle to be a bird of "bad moral character."

They steal food from other birds because they are lazy. Franklin wrote to his daughter saying, "I wish the bald eagle had not been chosen as the representative of our country! The turkey is a much more respectable bird, and withal a true original native of America. Besides he is a rank Coward: The little King Bird not bigger than a Sparrow attacks him boldly and drives him out of the District.”

I’m glad that the turkey lost out to the Eagle. We shouldn’t be eating our national symbol. The Eagle would not be near as tasty as the turkey and can’t hold nearly as much stuffing. You thought eating turkey makes you lazy? Eating a lazy bird might put you in a coma!

The Tradition
The big day comes. We eat too much turkey, watch football, and fall asleep. We blame the turkey for this because we are told turkey contains something that makes you sluggish.

Food experts say that L-tryptophan is found in turkey and this creates serotonin synthesis that makes you feel sleepy. But it’s more likely the snoot-full of beer you drank that makes you pass out on the couch and drop the remote control during the endless replay of the coach’s challenge of an incomplete pass that the stupid referee couldn’t see. The challenge rule is just a scam by advertisers to insert an extra 40 minutes of commercials into every game. (Even Ray Charles could see that he caught that ball).

Holiday History
Doesn’t it seem that Thanksgiving is just a holiday to get you in the mood for Christmas? There’s a reason for that.

In 1939 the Great Depression was a decade old, the economy was still in the toilet, WWII was breaking out in Europe, and the world was teetering on the brink. FDR needed to make a bold decision to pull the economy out of depression. End the Fed? Bail out the big banks? Try a stimulus package? Green Jobs? No. Why not move Turkey Day up a week? This would give retailers 7 more shopping days before Christmas!

And just like that President Roosevelt changed the date of Thanksgiving. His decision was hard for the companies that already had their 1940 pin-up calendars and Almanacs printed out and of course it played havoc with the football schedules, (to say nothing of the turkeys whose lives were cut short by a week).

Seeing a political opportunity here, presidential hopeful, Alf Landon, jumped into the presidential race seeking to end the tyranny of Roosevelt’s reign. He compared FDR to Hitler for changing the date of Thanksgiving. This is the first time a president was ever compared to Hitler by his political opponent. Now everyone you disagree with in an email dialog gets compared to Hitler. Thanks Alf!

So bowing to political pressure by college football coaches who vowed to vote for Alf unless the date of Turkey Day was changed back, Congress changed the date of Thanksgiving to the 4th Thursday in November.

Now there are fewer shopping days before Christmas but the decorations start going up after Halloween and the Christmas catalogs arrive before that. I hope you and your family have many blessings to be thankful for this Thanksgiving!