11/01/2007: "Apocalypse Fatigue Now!"

Extinction is tickling my toes. Annihilation is so close I can hear it laughing at me. Total destruction is nipping at my heels as I run toward the edge of the cliff. Obliteration is hiding behind every tree. You probably think I’m kidding around here. I’m not. I am tired of hearing about planetary collapse. I have apocalypse fatigue.

To appreciate the fact that the end of the world is near all you have to do is pick up a newspaper or go to a news web site and point and click on any story at random. Chances are good that it will tell us we are all doomed.

I can confirm that this works from firsthand experience. I put on a blindfold the other day and clicked my mouse randomly (unless you are a trained professional do not try this at home). Bingo! A story of planetary annihilation appeared on my screen right away. It was from the visionary predictors of doom at the UN. Their report says, “The human population is living far beyond its means and inflicting damage on the planet that could pass points of no return. Climate change, the rate of extinction of species and the challenge of feeding a growing population are among the threats putting humanity’s very survival at risk.”

To someone with apocalypse fatigue these words sound like gibberish because we have been hearing this same broken record forever. The human species will wipe out the planet really soon. With each prediction of impending doom there is a warning that we must do something radical to prevent destruction before it is too late. (Insert a religious or political directive here, e.g. repent, buy a hybrid car, quit using Styrofoam, elect the Clintons, whatever.) The prophecies never come true no matter what we do.

Predicting the future is tricky. While some so-called experts are good at explaining why things happened in the past they often lack the skills to accurately predict the future. This teensy little shortcoming in man’s vast array of skills is called “omniscience”. The lack of this talent is what causes most prophecies to go beyond their expiration date or fail altogether. It seems like prognosticators could do better with one of those round “Ask Elvis” magic balls. The answer that floats up most often is “It looks hazy baby, try again.”

I am really tired of being told that my very existence threatens world extinction. I am not going to embrace some bogus ideology simply because some moron says so even if it will head off global destruction. I’m sorry. I have this disease called apocalypse fatigue.

Most people are motivated to change because it is obviously in our own self-interest to change, not because of false threats of global catastrophe. We can rise to any challenge. Technology has kept our species around for centuries. We should ignore the fanatics telling us “We’re all going to die” if we don’t do exactly what they say. As a species I believe we are smarter than that.

The only prescription for this disease is the magic ball. Turn it over and ask Elvis if the planet will survive. Here comes the answer floating up now, “Outlook is good.” All right!