10/25/2006: "Oh No! Not Another Crisis!"

We live in a bizarre media culture where everyday seems to bring a new crisis. Why do the news people feel it is their job to scare the crap out of the audience on a daily basis? For example, why do we need "Pinpoint Severe Weather" and "Extreme Storm Watch" on a nice sunny day?

As a response to every media-hyped crisis there is always a dramatic overreaction. We slaughter massive quantities of birds because we are afraid of bird flu, and because one field has bad spinach we plow under every last plant. If there is no real crisis we can depend on the "big media" to make one up.

Take the drinking water craze for example. Advertisers told us to drink more water even if we weren't thirsty. So now everyone carries around a bottle of water for fear they may dry up and blow away like dust if they don't suck it down like there was no tomorrow. You can even see people walking around with the patented backpack full of water making slurping noises through the straw device. You never know when you might get lost and accidentally wander into the Sahara Desert.

And wouldn't you know it, the media tells us that our drinking water is full of germs. The answer was to dump in so much bleach that it's like drinking out of a swimming pool. Each crisis has been met with any number of absurd solutions. But we must overcome our media induced fear and be brave.

So just when I worked up the courage to go outside again along comes another crisis: "The scourge of obesity". According to news reports one out of three people weighs as much as the other two. If you look around you can see it. "Obese" is not a big enough word to describe some people.

Once the media proclaims there is a weighty new fat crisis it is the job of the quick response food marketing swat teams to jump into action and print up new labels to put on all fatty foods. The labels must proclaim that the products are fat-free. Can I eat candy and not get fat because the label says fat-free? It is confusing. No wonder so many people are overweight.

Then I was at the market minding my own business. I was trying to avoid eye contact with the potato chips but I quickly stole a glance at them. That's when the potato chip bag screamed at me from the shelf. "WE HAVE NO TRANS FAT! "And down every aisle of the market labels were screaming at me about trans fat. Why should I be afraid of trans fat? What the heck is it? So I looked it up.

Basically trans fat consists of hydrogenated oil and can be found in the center of Oreo cookies, in French fries, potato chips, basically any food that tastes good. It was put there by the evil geniuses at "big lard".

Like ‘big media" or "big oil", the bad boys at "big lard" are the new greedy corporate scoundrels. They consist notably of the fast food, snack food, chip food, fried food and baked good industries. The media has pulled the pants down and exposed "big lard" as the perpetrator of plumpness. The heavy-handed response to this crisis can't be far behind.

Many tofu-eating exercise enthusiasts think it is about time that "big government" stepped in to regulate "big lard". They argue that it costs everyone when people get sick from eating too many double cheeseburgers. Health food eaters should not be taxed to pay for triple bypass operations for the folks who continually stuff their pie holes full of cookies and greasy potato chips.

A government ban on fat foods is the next logical step. We may no longer have the freedom to decide what food we want to eat. Someday those people who want to enjoy a side order of curly fries or a double stuffed cookie will have to stand outside in the cold with the smokers in order to satisfy their craving for trans fat. "If fat is outlawed only outlaws will be fat". It will be easy to round up the usual suspects because it is hard to hide hefty and the cause of that chubbiness will no doubt be traced back to illegal foods.

One thing is certain, the fear mongering of "big media" will not diminish. I think the only healthy choice is to turn off the television.