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10/02/2006: "Holy Smoke!"

(Gordy Petersen photo)

Right outside my office door there is a sign warning smokers of a $20,500 fine for cigarette butt littering. If they toss their butts they can get their butts tossed in jail!

The sign is right next to a pile of cigarette butts and a cleverly disguised trashcan. The trashcan is one of the town's high security garbage containers complete with bars and padlocks. (You would think there is something worth stealing in there, but no, I checked it out.) Why do smokers toss their butts on the ground when there is a warning sign and a secure bulletproof container in plain sight?

Are smokers afraid of setting off some kind of silent alarm in the secure garbage can that triggers the town's rapid-response-garbage-police? Can't they read? Or what?

For sure they are not afraid of law enforcement or the hefty fine. Like the TV ad campaign, "Litter and it will hurt" is pretty much a joke. I have never heard of this law being strictly enforced.

But you would have to be blind as a bat not to notice there is a pandemic outbreak of cigarette butt litter. It is a fact that everywhere a smoking ban has been passed the sport of butt flinging has increased exponentially.

This is bad news. It is estimated that each year several trillion-cigarette butts are littered worldwide (many of them in Friday Harbor). It is the number one cause of destructive fires and it's a big ecological problem. Slow decomposing putrid butts are plugging planters, clogging gutters, and washing into the sea, frightening fish, gagging gulls, and wasting whales.

Are smokers intentionally trying to destroy the earth or is this new wave of cigarette butt litter a backlash against the recent laws foisted on smokers by the combative anti-smoking crusaders? I decided to investigate this and what I learned might surprise you.

Here are some general observations. Many smokers are almost always responsible about where they put their butts. But virtually all smokers if they are honest will admit to occasionally sticking their butt where it doesn't belong. Most smokers believe they have a right to smoke and wish the cantankerous anti-smoking jihadists would butt out.

There are several categories of smokers that litter. There is the sneaky butt flicker. This smoker is an expert at concealing the clandestine action of dropping the butt. They may use distraction (There goes Bigfoot!) as they drop their butt. Some will drop a butt out of the car window as they speed away from the scene of the crime.

Some butt flingers are just plain lazy. They will walk a mile for a Camel but wont take two steps to the trashcan. Some smokers are in denial and do not think they are doing any harm by tossing their butt. Stupid is what stupid does.

I don't smoke but if I did I would be tempted to litter because I detest the intolerance of society toward my right to smoke. This attitude is widespread. I have talked to many smokers standing outside of their favorite local gathering places to satisfy their craving for nicotine and savor the flavor of their smoke. For this they are isolated like diseased lepers or worthless bums. It is no wonder that butt litter increases everywhere people are ostracized, alienated, and disenfranchised. They have been forced from places where they previously felt comfortable because of the intolerance of some narrow-minded campaigners from the ButtsOut! Mafia.

Like I said, I don't smoke. I also don't break burrito wind in a crowded room. That would be rude, vulgar, and offensive behavior, and that's what some people think smokers are like. Bad manners should not be tolerated. It all comes down to tolerance and personal responsibility.

And most smokers are polite friendly folks who recently have been beaten like abused puppies. They feel the enormous weight of the guilt trip that society has laid on them because of a habit they have trouble controlling. They are tired of apologizing all the time. The only way to get some satisfaction out of smoking anymore is to toss an occasional butt for some sanctimonious litter control freak to whine about.

I am one of those litter control freaks but I'm not a whiner. I pick up dozens of butts every day then like a common burglar I break into the secure trashcan to deposit them. (I have yet to set off the alarm).

I did not vote for the smoking ban because it seemed mean spirited. I predicted this "butts in your face" backlash would occurr. I was also afraid that if all smoking was moved outside it could harm the atmosphere. The curtains the furniture and my old sweater previously absorbed all the harmful pollutants caused by cigarette smoke. Now where does all that smoke go?

If you think I am going to ramble on here without offering a solution then you are wrong. If no one is willing to enforce the penalties then I offer another option. I wish everyone who voted to ban smoking indoors and now feigns righteous indignation because of all the litter would ante-up into a big butt reward fund. Everyone who picked up butts could take them to the dump and present them to the guy in the Lazy-Boy chair. He could count them and in the fullness of time he would send the butt collector up the hill to the guy with the money to get his reward. I think a nickel-a-butt would keep the streets clean.

We might even see a homeless bag lady fighting over them. I can hear her now; "Get your hands off my butt!" If she got busy outside Herb's and the Legion it would not take her long to get into the affordable housing program!