09/22/2005: "Corporations Find That Religion Helps Sales"

Just like Eve, suddenly aware and exposed in the Garden of Eden, today nothing covers the nakedness of corporate self-interest like the fig leaf of environmentalism. The green movement is insidious. It permeates our society up to the corporate levels. Environmentalism is no longer science. It even goes beyond politics. It has transformed into a religion. What evidence do I have to make this claim?

The evidence hit me smack dab in the middle of my morning shower. I was visiting the coast at a seaside resort. There was a soap dispenser on the shower stall that you could poke and it squirted out a variety of gelatinous substances like soap, shampoo, mystery conditioner, and some kind of lotion. I felt like a laboratory rat hitting the feeder bar to get a food pellet. On the top of the dispenser I read, "To our valued guests, thank you for using this dispenser, thus helping to reduce the amount of packaging that is used and discarded. Planet EVERgreen is the official environmental ‘greening' program" of our resort corporation. So, there I stand soaking wet getting a sermon by corporate America about how to save the planet. And that was not the last of the lectures I would receive.

I reached for a towel. I found a sign hanging from the towel rack. It said, "A towel on the rack means I will use it again. A towel on the floor means please replace it. Together we can save millions of gallons of water. Together we can make our planet EVERgreen!" I know we are in the Evergreen State, but I guess these guys don't know that the Washington coast is one of the wettest places on planet EVERgreen! Water is the last thing they need to save here. Anyway, I am still wet and getting cold.

I must choose. Do I use the washcloth instead of the big bath towel? Would that be better for the planet? Will the wrong choice really destroy planet EVERgreen? What the heck. I throw one towel down and step on it because the floor is so sandy (probably because the maid is trying to save the planet also so she doesn't mop the floor) and I use the other bath towel to dry off with. I only hope it is clean and that the guy before didn't just hang a dirty towel back on the rack out of some sort of environmental guilt-trip. So I made a heaping pile of towels on the floor. Hoo boy! There goes the planet!

Now I happen to know that little bars of soap cost more because people steal them (you know who you are). They get thrown away and wasted after one use. I also know that housekeeping labor is expensive and good help is hard to come by. It costs more in labor to wash every towel. So if you are a friend of the planet and reuse one stinking towel you will save water and money for the resort while thinking you are saving the planet. That's nice. However, the little sign should be revised to reflect reality not some greener than thou dogma concocted for the benefit of the environmental faithful.

It should say something like this, " Together we can save millions of dollars in materials and labor costs if you use the towels over and over again and don't mind if they are damp and smell like mildew. You can help our company make a huge profit if you use the poke and squirt dispenser thingamabobs instead of little tiny bars of soap and miniature bottles of shampoo that everyone steals (you know who you are). Or, if you would just pay us for the room and enjoy the view for a while, then leave, it would greatly enhance our profits (The planet will be fine either way). You can also help if you cooperate with our security staff as they search your bags when you leave for those concealed towels and bathrobes and hangars and stuff." That's what it would say if the management were honest.

Instead we get this hypocritical sanctimonious crap-ola about saving the planet. The message is shouted out from every direction. At restaurants for example it is common to read something like this, "Our mission is to operate with a deep sense of love and respect for the planet. So whenever possible we use farm products are made from sustainable organic grass-fed, free range, hormone free, (free everything except it costs a lot). Our menu is printed on recycled paper with soy ink" (sounds good but I'm not going to eat the menu, thanks).

Everywhere you go you can find companies boasting about how green they are. We comply with "Best Earth Practices" so our operation is good for the planet. We pay "sustainable living wages". Our corporation is greener than yours. Global warming from exhaust fumes can be avoided if you convert your vehicle to run on our brand of bio-diesel fuel (composed of melted down old tires, banana peels, and old French-fry cooking oil). The message is, buy our stuff or die from sudden catastrophic environmental destruction.

When environmentalism permeates the corporate world like this, then you know it has become a religion. A certain kind of orthodoxy is demanded in consumer behavior. You will buy this or something is wrong with you. You don't want to destroy the planet do you? Well, do ya punk?

Let me break this idea of "environmentalism as religion" down for you to help you understand it. At some point back in some romantic vision of human history, man and nature were living together in harmony. I think it was during the time of the Indians. Along came red-necked white men with pick-up trucks called "cowboys" and there was a fall from grace. When they finished a can of beer they shot the heck out of it for target practice introducing lead into the food chain and causing what we now know as litter. So we sinned and fell out of harmony with nature. We needed to have someone come and straighten us out. So, like Mighty Mouse ("Here I come to save the day!"), Corporate America brings us salvation with "sustainable planet saving" products and concepts.

How did this religion get started? During the sixties while passing a bong and listening to the hit song, "Eve of Destruction", a bunch of hippies figured out how to save the world from certain Armageddon-like destruction. They would be the high priests (literally) and preach the gospel of environmentalism! They would even create a religious holiday called Earth Day where people could meditate and contemplate the universe, as it could be with man and nature in perfect harmony. (Coca-cola was the first corporation to pick up on this theme but the commercial had nothing to do with soda pop). Some of these guys infiltrated the corporate world. These green crusaders would make people change their polluting behavior and show sorrow for their sins, like recycling cans instead of shooting the crap out of them. Some would eventually drive hybrid cars with bumper stickers that said "America Sucks"!

So to review the green doctrine, first you have man in harmony with nature, the fall (remember the Indian shedding crocodile tears because of litter), man headed for certain destruction in a future judgment day (global warming, hurricanes, tsunamis, etc.). Then comes the bong puffing greener than thou environmental missionaries disguised as college professors laying all the worlds guilt for pollution on America. They convert the masses of young people who confess that our nation has sinned and polluted the planet so they find salvation in the First Sustainable Church of Mother Earth. We all do our penance (recycling, reusing old stuff including towels). We take communion with organic hormone-free sustainable foods. And finally we are redeemed from our rowdy highfalutin big pollutin' ways by being forced by the resort companies to use poke and squirt dispensers while made to feel incredibly guilty when we dry off with big wasteful planet destroying bath towels.

As you can see Environmentalism has many parallels with religion. They share the same myths. It takes a leap of faith to believe in this stuff. Like religious zealots, no amount of evidence or facts can change the minds of the true believers. And it took a sign on the soap dispenser for me to finally see it clearly. I hope this helps you see it too.