11/24/2006: "Newcomers Will Rescue Us!"

To the Editor:

I suggest some of the most interesting residents are those who have moved here and have been here for less than five years. For some reason, "newcomers" seem to believe they are rescuers and are desperately needed for the islands future guidance. In an effort to ease the entrance transition, I suggest a few simple rules will aid those folks and give some comfort to their new life. So…once you get here:

Join something…anything. Just join. Assuming you just received your occupancy permit for your new house, it is preferable that you join some sort of conservation – save the islands – type of group. (Pretend adding your new house does not have any impact on the islands – just those that follow you are bad guys).

Share your expertise. Even if you do not have any expertise in community salvation, share it anyway but be a little bit boisterous to make up for your ignorance.

Pretend you know all there is to know about the community even if occasionally you have to ask where "North" is.

Be considerate of the fact that young people are here and need a place to live and grow and have families. Sponsor that acreage around the landfill for affordable housing.

Tell us how important you were as vice president of some God forsaken corporation no one ever heard of and why that qualifies you as our savior and how lucky we are that you got here in time to save us…and how the "Mrs." was active back home in the "Twisted Nickers" and saved all the folks there from fire and damnation.

Grow a beard (this item is for the ladies only but if you want to Ms., grow one anyway) and pretend you have been here a long time and are an "old salt."

When on the ferry don't say you are going up stairs, say "goin' topside" and to avoid any embarrassing mistakes mark you right hand "S" for "starboard" and your left hand "P" for "port" (just remember to face the front).

Adopt these simple rules and you will automatically be inducted in the hall of saviors and you, too, may lounge with other saviors and be proud of your new-found mission.

Wayne Holmes
San Juan Island