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Home » Archives » December 2005 » Comrade of the County (the Friend to the San Juans)

[Previous entry: "Open Letter to County Commissioners"] [Next entry: "WHAT IS GOING ON?"]

12/23/2005: "Comrade of the County (the Friend to the San Juans)"

To my people,

For those of you too busy working for a living or lacking the necessary land-use educationin light of the recent "conciliation" between our two stellar commissioners Lichter and Ranker and their Friends of the San Juans regarding the Guest House issue I have taken the liberty, as usual, to draft a list of Threat Conditions similar to those implemented by the Department of Homeland Security to enhance your participation in my continuing war on Growth, Development, and Urban Sprawl.
Enjoy, Comrade

The county has changed plenty since I got to these islands. But it wasn't me who changed itit was you. That's rightnot me, you.

We remain a county at risk and will remain at risk for the foreseeable future. At all Threat Conditions (generally defined as anything I don't like), we must remain vigilant, prepared, and ready to deter attacks. The following Threat Conditions each represent an increasing risk of attacks. Beneath each Threat Condition are some suggested Protective Measures, recognizing that the heads of Federal departments and agencies are responsible for developing and implementing appropriate agency-specific Protective Measures (subject to my review and approval, of course.):

Low Condition (Green)- Self-congratulatory, smug, and self-satisfied. This condition is declared when all threats to my picture postcard feel-good vision for the Islands are non-existent and County Commissioners bend to my superior intellect and bob their heads unanimously.

Guarded Condition (Blue)- Impatient and supercilious. This condition is declared when a parking space in front of King's Market cannot be found and the line at the Post Office is too long. Suggested measures to be taken:

Repetitive and dreary letters to the editor sniveling about Growth and guest editorials bleating about Urban Sprawl. This really works (and our local paper loves it)!

Elevated Condition (Yellow)- Mildly agitated with loss of humor and laissez faire. This condition is declared when absentee tax-paying landowners return to the Islands to reclaim the land that I have used freely to walk my dogs or have kayaked by or flown over to enjoy at my leisure.
Measures to be taken:

More droning letters and editorials.
Scrutinize Public Notices of meetings- show up and whine.
Wail about the whale incessantly.

High Condition (Orange)- Self-righteous Indignation and Short-sighted Tunnel-vision. A High Condition is declared when there is evidence of open-minded free-will and people stop listening to me. In addition to the above mentioned measures to be taken:

Brandish your credentials, qualifications, and degrees.
Threaten litigation.
Beg for money.

Severe Condition (Red)- Highly agitated, shrill and pedantic. A Severe Condition reflects a severe risk to my perceived self-importance and is manifested by blatant disregard of my edicts and throwing away my quarterly newsletter. Measures to be taken:
Control information
Redefine issues and manipulate facts.
Take credit and assign blame.

Scott Bell
San Juan Island

Tom Bauschke
John Evans
Mary Kalbert
Ron Keeshan
Gordy Petersen
Janice Peterson
Bruce Sallan
Terra Tamai
Amy Wynn
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