01/01/2010: "Highlights of 2009"

(Editor's note: This is Gordy's first column for 2010)

By Gordy Petersen

Yikes! I just got used to writing the correct date on my checks. Now it is going to take me another year to figure out how to write 2010! The year started out with hope. I hope next year turns out better.

As I went back and reviewed the stories of ’09, certain themes emerged.

Many people drove into the ditch and had a photo of their car featured in the Island Guardian. I ranked news stories into a list according to how many times they appeared. The dump controversy was featured the most in ’09, followed by stories about ferries, planning/building department, swine flu, and budget woes. Let’s take a quick look back at some of these top stories of last year.

January rocked. The Islands were hit with a 4.5 Earthquake and local musician Tom Doenges was nominated for an award for his hit song “I’m Looking for a Bailout.” (A seriously good song).

January was also a good month for political controversy. CD&PD (Community Development and Planning Department) Director Ron Hendrickson proposed new permit fee increases saying people should be punished for having a large house. He convinced the Council to place an additional charge on homes that are larger than 3,500 square feet. The Council drew the line however on Mr. Hendrickson’s proposal for beheading the rich.

Standing room only crowds heard a SWAC report, which confirmed that only a few NIMBY’s were opposed to moving the dump into their neighborhood except for the NIMBY’s who want the dump to move away.

In other dump news, an emergency landing in New York on the Hudson River occurred because birds had stopped both engines. This argument, was now adapted for crows and seagulls in Beaverton Valley, and officially added to the “Don’t Move the Dump” file.

Headlines said, “Still Time To Tell WSF What You Think!” The public was invited to travel around in a circle on the Hiyu and listen to the same endless crap about why the ferry system is broke and why San Juan residents need to fix it by paying exorbitant fees. The deadline for public comment was extended by WSF. They also extended their middle finger to those who decided to take the time to ride around the islands.

Weed Tax Passed By Council. The new tax promises to end the scourge of weeds and caused Council member Gene Knapp to exclaim: “This proposal will send a message that the County doesn’t take seriously the care of the elderly and the sick, but does take care of it’s weeds.” In other news, agents at Roche Harbor seized 100 pounds of B.C. weed, estimated at several billion dollars street value. The Weed Board got excited.
No reports of swine flu yet in February! However, we did get a report on “The Health of San Juan County” that contained some rather odd findings. Adult cigarette smoking and binge drinking is the highest in the state. This could explain all the cars in the ditch.

Meanwhile our Public Works Director was up to his old tricks as headlines read, “DOE Faults Management of SJI Dump.” In hindsight it was not a smart move to call on the State to condemn the dump so we could get a new improved version. The plan backfired when the DOE blamed the Director for the problems there.

San Juan County Treasurer’s Office sent out $41 million in property tax bills. The Treasurer said their office is receiving a record number of calls about the bills, and noted that, “Most of them are asking about the Storm water Utility fee.” She changed the message on her answering machine to say, “ Don’t blame us. We know you voted against the storm water tax but the Council put it in again!”

Ron Hendrickson was in the news again. He reported that nobody has applied for the limited number of permits for Detached Accessory Dwelling Units (ADU). When the Island Guardian called the ADU lottery “Hot Line” we reached the Hooter’s Restaurant and Casino in Las Vegas.

March
Obsessed with Garbage the County Council started their Monday meeting on Orcas with a tour of the local transfer station, including “The Exchange.” They found a man wandering around the facility complaining, “I sure have to take a lot of garbage in this job.”

The Island Guardian’s informal poll results on the dump were, 378 votes to keep it, 7 votes to move it. Apparently all 7 votes to “move it” came from the same phone number at Public Works.

The Guardian announced that after 4 years in the planning and development stage community volunteers were finally given the green light to plant a few colorful flowers in the town tree wells. The town had objected to this program for years because if flowers were planted tourists would have no place to throw their cigarette butts. The Mayor announced a smoking ban with fines starting at $75,000.00 and possible jail time for smoking on town property thus solving the cigarette butt crisis.

Planning Department Director Ron Hendrickson appointed a new Code Enforcement officer.  Ron said,  “ In the past we have demonstrated an ability to get large numbers of people to rat out their neighbors and get them thrown in jail for doing things without permits. I think this is something we need.” Mr. Hendrickson is looking into the possibility of water boarding as a way to get confessions from people suspected of code violations.

Turtles made the news. Headlines asked, “Have you seen a turtle on your land, or in a pond?”  There have been turtle sightings in the county, but so far there has been no confirmed identification. The Feds, the State, and the County would like to know if in fact turtles exist here.

It is April and there is still no report of Swine Flu in the Islands but the Health Department is holding clinics on all the islands to teach people how to sneeze safely into the inside of their elbows.

“Ask and you shall receive,” reads the headline as requests from Public Works (PW) for inspections of the Sutton road transfer station have resulted in continuing problems for the County. PW has called for inspections this week by the State Department of Labor and Industries, NOAA, FEMA, the FBI’s Counter-Terrorism Task Force, and CSI Miami. These departments were instructed to look for any excuse to close the dump. The CSI team will be looking for the HINI virus (from a swine’s hind end). It is not clear if the Public Works Director is calling for these inspections on his own, but it sure looks that way.

Director Ron Hendrickson of CD&PD is back in the news again. Apparently he will not issue building permits for buildings common to a house, such as a garage, unless there is already a house on the property. When asked for his comments he stated, “This is how it starts. The next thing you know people will want to build a house on their property. These people need to be punished, not rewarded with permits.”

In other news, Lea Lambiel from Orcas put up some signs outside his place with a greeting for Ron Hendrickson. Marilyn Monroe says “Hi Ron,” and the sign with the Governator of California says, “Hey Ron, I’ll be back! When asked what the signs meant, Lambiel said “The director of CD&P doesn’t have much of a sense of humor -I’m trying to help him with that.”

Lights went out for Earth Day. It was not to protest, “global warming.” A single car accident striking a power pole left more than 100,000 people in five counties without electricity. Although it was dark people were able to send “tweets” from their cell phones to let the outside world know we were still alive.

May
After months of being pinned down by hostile firing of questions by NIMBY’s the Council finally voted to keep the dump we have. After over twenty years of serving on the SWAC (Solid Waste Advisory Committee), George Post of Orcas Island has resigned his membership. When asked for comment he replied that he was tired of taking this kind of garbage about the dump.

The County Council voted unanimously to appoint a Building Code Board of Appeals to break the logjam of permits. The vote was cast against the advice from the Director of (CD&P), Ron Hendrickson, who has said, “Just because I won’t issue permits? Is that what this is about?!”

The Waldron Community Meeting sent a letter to the County Council asking them to re-install the official County road signs at “all San Juan County Ferry Terminals (and outer islands)” that state SJC is a nuclear weapons free zone. According to the letter it is proudly claimed that the old signs successfully ended the cold war and have prevented all attacks from enemies foreign and domestic on the San Juan Islands.

A public hearing regarding land use code enforcement procedures and penalties was held. Some of the recommendations would allow the Director of Community Planning and Development, (Ron) to revoke permits, issue fines, and even jail offenders of development codes and permits; and may “at any time, use a ‘Taser’ on contractors to enforce building codes.” This triggered Lea Lambiel to put up another sign with the phrase “Don’t Taze Me Ron!”

June
United States Coast Guard ordered WSF (Washington State Ferries) to discontinue the practice of crewing its boats with tired old Skippers. As a result, sailings to the San Juan Islands will be cancelled. After several threats from angry Waldronites to “Nuke” the ferries, service was restored and the Coast Guard orders were ignored.

Turtles were finally discovered as headlines said, “Vehicles Squashing Turtles On Lopez & San Juan -Crossing Signs Requested” This caused one motorist to declare, “I thought those were speed bumps!”

On June 8th the headlines announced, “CC Told County Spending Will Be Cut” and on June 10, 160 County workers who were members of Local 1849, got a big pay raise!

“No More Untreated Sewage From Victoria”
The Associated Press has reported that Yours Truly made news when he posted a video on “You Tube” and made the papers of Victoria. The outcry resulted in the County Council receiving a report from governmental representatives from Victoria, who were accompanied by the Victoria media. Petersen said, "Threaten to squeeze them where it hurts and it gets their attention every time."

July
The “Kiss A Pig” contest was conducted as a Soroptimist fundraiser. Note: up until then anxiety about swine flu had people breaking out in hives, but so far no cases of actual swine flu had been reported in the County.

On July 8, San Juan County Administrator Pete Rose announced Ron Hendrickson had left the County’s staff in a departmental reorganization. Sources inside the department said that Hendrickson was removed from his office after a struggle that involved a team of firefighters who pried him out of his chair with the “Jaws of Life.”

“Attack By Re-Enactors Leads To Felony Charges” (I didn’t make this one up).
 Guys dressed up as Pig War soldiers attacked some tourists at British Camp. “They just wanted to use the bathroom, but ended up being held at gunpoint, and with a smashed window of their Lincoln Navigator.” 

September
“2 of 4 Ferries On Way To Mexico”
 The Nisqually and Quinault came to the northwest from San Francisco in the 1940s; now they are headed south again. In November of 2007 the state determined they are rusted out junk. In fact, a spokesman for WSF stated that all the ferries are rusted out junk. These two boats are scheduled to bring Mexicans across the border to work in the Islands. There will actually be more sailings to Mexico than to Anacortes on the new schedule, which has the County Weed Board very excited.  

Public Works Director Jon Shannon told the Council that "the solid waste transfer stations are losing money.”  Shannon is asking for a new round of inspections of the Sutton road facility by the Department of the Treasury, and is calling for a complete IRS audit. He was quoted as saying, “Somehow we have to close this darn thing down.”

October
The FLU has arrived in the San Juans. Whether it is the seasonal flu or the new H1N1 flu, it is all the flu. Clinics have begun shoving vaccine up little kids noses and strictly enforcing the regulations about coughing into the elbow. They have also instituted a complete ban on kissing pigs.

November
The County Council will hold a joint meeting with the SWAC (Solid Waste Advisory Committee) to discuss the idea of turning the hauling of garbage over to a commercial hauler. PW Director was quoted as saying, “This could be the end of this inadequate old facility, and it’s about time.”

Just days after the Council raised your taxes they voted themselves in as full-time employees for retirement purposes!

San Juan Islands Receive More Publicity as “Lonely Planet” names the San Juan Islands to a World's Top 10 List of places tourists can kiss a pig.

December
The County Council met with the Commanding Officer of the Seattle Coast Guard sector, and with the Director of the WSF, to discuss ferry service issues. They plan to ask for more sailings to Mexico, and in particular the status of “Touring Watches” so that more passengers can take turns driving the boats.

San Juan County may become a pilot program for a statewide reservation system. SJC Councilmember Howard Rosenfeld reported to the full council on Tuesday that “The plan is to have it in place by the summer of 2012” adding, “This could be a big deal.” Later Mr. Rosenfeld denied saying any of this.

It was reported that Mr. Hendrickson may have been spotted living under a bridge in Las Vegas near the Hooters Restaurant and Casino chasing contractors around with a Taser. It appears that he may have at last successfully bonded with the homeless community beneath that city.

That is all the news! Happy New Year!

(Gordy has been writing a fun filled -and sometimes even fact filled- column for The Island Guardian for five years. He has a talent for poking fun at us while pointing out the absurdness of the unintended consequences of many of our actions, and has become a must read for politicians and the populace. Gordy graduated with honors from Seattle Pacific University with a degree in Philosophy. He also attended Theological Seminary. He has spent most of his life sequestered in the remote San Juan Islands where he has survived by fishing, hunting, and growing prize-winning vegetables. He once owned a small chain of grocery stores in the islands. He has served on many committees and has held elected office. )