10/29/2006: "Guest Column"

How I Single-Handedly Undermine Elections
By Barbara SeVille

Nine Or So Days And Counting First, I wake up. Then I get out of the bed. Then I turn on the TV. A man whose deep Northwest voice I recognize talks political dirt about someone I never heard of before. He tells me the other guy in the tuxedo is very bad. But the guy talking sounds bad, too. He sounds very, very bad and the other guy not as bad, just his picture is bad. So I think maybe I'll vote for the guy with the bad picture in a tuxedo, I wonder who he is? Breakfast, lunch boxes, school clothes, backpacks, laundry, email, mother-in-law, cold coffee. I tune out completely when the tricky people come on T.V. who want me to vote wrong. The Super Analyst Guys and Gorgeous News Gals talk and talk about polls and estimates and elections strategies, things I don't understand, certainly don't trust. Doesn't Disney own those people? Wait, I think that's my wireless provider, too, which means they own me! Click! Beep! Dryer's done. No wrinkles at my house!

The house is clean so I get the mail. Lots of Elections Flyers and Cards. They're printed to look like writing - nice try guys! - and it looks expensive. Hmmm… wonder who printed this, nice bleed but they should get a better graphics guy. Why do people pay so much for bad graphics? I do not read it because there are other bad things in the mail: Bills, tax stuff, many annual reports. Some money guys in New York work together to manage my accounts and every time they make a trade someone sends annual reports wrapped in blue plastic. They've been doing that a lot lately, market's on fire.

That's a really nice picture of Milene. She's smart and together. Why does she want to audit anything anyway? Nice shot of Joan, she's been doing so well at the court for years. I'll vote for Joan. If Joan gets elected the place will keep running smoothly. I'm voting for Milene and Joan. Keep, keep, toss. Toss-toss-toss-toss-toss. I wish someone could manage my voting options like those brokers. They would get it: Don't send things in the mail. Woops! School is out in twelve minutes, almost out of milk! No milk!

We all go to the grocery store. Everyone is hungry so we bicker about snacks and gum. From time to time I get quirky smiles from somebody and then remember they are running for office. But I don't know which office because there's no time for newspapers, so I stick my head deep into the freezer to sniff out the orange juice deals. Pete Visser talking to Kevin Ranker in produce? Woops, quick left turn! Their wives must be so together.

Bush is on the little TV in the kitchen so I try to listen and chop. My head tips to the side. Who does he think he's he talking to? Are we supposed to swallow this? I'm conservative…. My friends are conservatives. There aren't any WMD's, so why are our guys over there? Iraq hasn't much oil, the Arabs have it, right? How do you turn a Shiite into a subject of a democracy? "Not gonna happen. Not gonna do it."

My friend Steven the Spin Buster says American's need to take a basic civics course because we couldn't be in Iraq unless the government allowed it. I have no idea what that means. He says Bush is President of a democracy where the majority wants nothing to do with suffering and sacrifice, that's who he's talking to. Hmmm, I still do have a huge car (and really love it. Nice stereo, seats seven). I must be way dumbed-down. Way.

On November 6th I am guilt struck and rifle through the catalogs and bills to find my voter's pamphlet. I'm educated! I should know something! Guilty. Who are these people and what are the issues? I should have gone to the forums. Quick! Website! Too late. I'm a bad, bad citizen. People in China are starving their children so that I can vote! Our guys are dying in Iraq so I can vote! I am deeply ashamed and want the "A" but haven't studied. It's too late.

Note to Self: Don't vote, your vote is bad, you don't care enough to think it through. The issues are twisted and so is your head. They are important and complicated and you are not. It's late and I'm tired. So I don't vote.

(Barbara SeVille is the nom de plume of a writer who lives in San Juan County, is a housewife, and a long-time island girl who "Has always had a mind to write about what I see in life, faith, relationships, and the idiosyncrasies of being alive".)