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Friends
What is the first thing that comes to mind when you see or hear the word, “Friends?” For my younger son it would undoubtedly be the TV-series that aired for a decade on NBC, because he loves it so. For others, it might be that Bette Midler song. Maybe it would be something from Sesame Street? Friends enrich our lives. And, like that famous saying, “We don’t choose our family, but we do choose our friends,” we actually have some control over who is our friend.
That is where the rub is, in my experience. I’ve had many friends over the course of my life. I still have one friend from Nursery School, which is what Pre-School was called in the fifties. We are in regular contact, though he lives across the country.
Other friends have come and gone. Often for good reasons and often for reasons I don’t even remember. Why do we lose some friends and keep others? Why, as we grow older, is it harder to make new friends? Do you even agree that it’s harder to make new friends, as we get older?
It seemed mighty easy to make friends in school, though the cliques and other pettiness that goes with adolescence and the teen years can create a lot of drama between friends. I’m told this “drama” is magnified among tween girls but I have no experience having been a boy my whole life and raised two of ‘em as well.
I do reflect on the loss of two long-time friends - now and then. Then, I would castigate myself over the reasons our friendships dissipated. Now, I realize that this is the natural order of life: Change. I’ve changed; they’ve changed; we all change!
Was I being immature in allowing these friendships to go away? Maybe. But, I also think I was hanging on to those two friendships out of nostalgia, out of a love for what they were, but were not anymore: for what our friendship was in our Glory Days but was no more. I was wishing for the camaraderie I had with my best friend in high school. I was wishing for the every day conversation I had with my closest friend during the height of our respective careers, before marriage and kids intruded. Following are the reasons my 4-decade friendship with my high school best friend drifted away.
My high school best friend and I shared many wonderful experiences. We traveled to Europe, went skiing for a winter while in college, and bought our first house together. We lived there together until he got engaged. And, that is when our friendship took a turn. His fiancé and now his wife of over 25 years were a perfect match. But, in her world, there was no place for his “wild and crazy” best friend.
I did my best to be-friend her. It was always met with neutral cordiality. The relationship my friend had with his wife was unlike any relationship I’d had or ever had later on with a woman. My friend’s wife was and is THE BOSS. My parents had that relationship also.
For many years, I fought my negative instinctual reaction to a man allowing a woman to so strongly run his life. I remember distinctly when this particular friend and his wife were expected their third child. His wife informed my friend that he should go on one last ski trip with me " something we’d shared and loved for so long " because after the birth of their third child, he wouldn’t be skiing any more. We went on that trip. I never skied with him again.
When I later got married, divorced, and married again, I lost and gained many friendships and many couple friends. Other couples had that dynamic of the wife being in charge. In every one of those relationships " my parents and former best friend included " the guy was happy and content.
I finally realized that my reaction was about my stuff, my values, and my desire to have a bit more control in my life. These married men were doing just fine and every single one of those marriages survived and, in many ways, apparently thrived.
Finally, I let go. After acknowledging that the vast majority of the time I spent with this friend was at my initiation and persistence, I finally took the hint and backed off. It coincided with a big scare in my family where my son was hospitalized. I reached out to this friend since I always thought he would be there when it mattered, even if our friend time was limited. He e-mailed me five days after my panicked call with the message, “I hope everything is okay.” We haven’t spoken or corresponded since.
Maybe I was being self-righteous, but maybe I finally recognized that our lives had gone in significantly different directions. Maybe having those Glory Days memories were all we had? I don’t know. What do you think?
Bruce Sallan, author of A Dad’s Point-of-View: We ARE Half the Equation and radio host of The Bruce Sallan Show - A Dad’s Point-of-View gave up a long-term showbiz career to become a stay-at-home-dad. He has dedicated his new career to becoming THE Dad advocate. He carries his mission with not only his book and radio show, but also his column A Dad’s Point-of-View, syndicated in over 100 newspapers and websites worldwide, and his dedication to his community on Facebook and Twitter. Join Bruce and his community each Thursday in #DadChat , from 6pm -7pm PST, the Tweet Chat that Bruce hosts.
Entitled
Where and when did it seem that everyone felt entitled? Entitled to an education, happiness, college, a home, every new tech toy, and a new car now and then, etc. I know the answer, as it was an evolution and change in attitude that began in the sixties, in my opinion. Some might say it began with Lyndon Johnson and his “Great Society” and that may also have been a starting point. But, the sad fact is that Americans have a higher quality of life than any generation, anywhere, any time, in world history.
Yet, I would assert that the happiness and satisfaction scales are not near as high as the quality of life now available to the vast majority of us, especially our children. Don’t we all know extremely spoiled children? Don’t many of us indulge our children far too much while reminiscing about our own struggles in life? This is not a good change.
Feeling entitled makes a person ungrateful for all that they may have in life. Feeling like the world owes you something only encourages laziness. Getting something for nothing instills nothing good in human beings. And, when it starts in childhood, it can become a very bad lifetime expectation and habit.
I tried to offer my kids the balance in life that I thought was appropriate. I got a rude awakening when my older son got accepted to an expensive college and simply expected that he could go and I would pay for it. His younger brother was appalled at the notion that there was even a question that he or his older brother would go to whatever college they wanted to go to!
That reaction from my boys was a harsh wake-up call to this general notion that I fear is quite prevalent among their generation and many older Americans as well. Again, I think this is a lousy development.
While I could not fully correct the apparent mistakes I made in spoiling my boys to the degree that they would think they were entitled to go to any college of their choosing, I did make quick amends and adjustments.
As described in an earlier column, My Boys Would Be Better Off If I Abandoned Them, I had learned that because of our relative economic well being, we did not qualify for any financial aid for college. Private loans carried exorbitant interest rates. I chose to give my older son a loan -at the prevailing rate and terms of financial aid- for one year of his college education.
We had a family dinner in which these ideas and expectations of college entitlement were frankly discussed. My younger son, at first, expressed outrage that he might have to carry one-year’s worth of college debt. My older son quickly got the reasoning behind his loan. He was now invested in his education and it wasn’t going to be just a fun lark for four years.
While I tend to avoid politics, there is no question that the evolution of entitlements, across the spectrum of society, has created an expectation that these gifts would go on forever. We can see the damage this thinking has wrought in Europe. We can see it at home, where so many cities and states are in fiscal crisis.
This mind-set must change. It is changing in my home. I am teaching by teenage boys more about money all the time. They already do chores for allowance and get docked if those chores are not done. Included in their allowances is an annual clothes budget so they are now buying their own clothes with what seems to be their own money. Amazing how Target all of a sudden became a store of choice!
Their entertainment expenses -except when we go out as a family-also come out of their monthly allowances, as do any other purchases. My DVD-obsessed younger son now waits for a DVD to go on sale rather than expect to get it the day it’s released. Delayed gratification is something that should be taught almost literally from the day a child understands money and can count.
I know my justification for spoiling my boys had a lot to do with my feelings that they had been hurt so badly by my divorce and their mother abandoning them. I felt overwhelmed in those early years when I became a 24/7 single dad. It was easier to be their buddy and indulge those little things now and then. The problem, of course, is that “now and then” really became all the time.
Thankfully, I did shift course and began instilling a greater sense of the value of a buck. I did resist their declarations that a particular friend got something they wanted and therefore they should get it too. I learned that being the best parent I could be meant not always being my children’s best friend (see column, Best Friend or Best Parent).
My older son is going off to college in the fall. He has a loan from me for ¼ of his college tuition. He will get a budget and he will learn. He plans to get a job so he can buy the extra things he wants -specifically drum equipment- and knows he’s expected to get a job after he’s acclimated to his new school/environment, by the beginning of his second semester.
Being a good parent means expecting good things from our kids. Spoiling them spoils them for life. I’ve been blessed in life to have so many things I’ve wanted, to see and go to so many amazing places, and to have relative financial independence. I earned it; I didn’t expect it. Now, it’s my kid’s turn…
Turbulence Ahead--Raising Teens Is No Picnic
My wife dragged me to her church for an all-day seminar called “Turbulence Ahead--Parenting Teens Through the Bumpy Years.” I went along, in support of her and in support of her recent “turbulence” with our oldest son, who is 16½ and a handful. But, my initial reaction was that this was a long time to spend on a subject that I know pretty well.
At the seminar, it was quickly evident that my knowledge on the subject could certainly use a refresher, if not a full-on course. Within minutes, I grabbed the pen that we were given and I began taking notes. I ran out of space and in no time, I filled up the supplied notes sections of the program brochure.
The seminar was led and created by Mark Gregston, who is the host of “Parenting Today’s Teens,” a daily and weekend radio program heard nationally. He is the founder of Heartlight, a residential counseling center for adolescents in crisis and the author of several books. His credentials could fill this column, plus he’s an engaging speaker with a good sense of humor and self-deprecation vs. arrogance that some so-called experts display. As I see myself as a “layman expert,” I was appreciative of this approach and found the seminar enlightening.
At first, I just jotted down some of his powerful and smart quotations such as:
“The investment you make in your kids today pays off with your grand-children tomorrow.”
“The AMA has increased the age of adolescence (from 19) to 23.”
“Our response to situations changes with our understanding of them (re: teens)”
“I think God may have once said: it was so much easier when there were just three billion down there.”
And, one of my favorites which is totally in keeping with one of my own favorite columns, “Best Friend or Best Parent” (http://bit.ly/bestparent) was:
“They (teens) don’t need a peer-ant; they need a parent.”
After the seminar, I went up to Mark and asked permission to do a column inspired by the day’s learning. He graciously said, “Yes” with no conditions. I’ve subsequently gotten his blessing.
This was one of those situations where my wife and I were either constantly jabbing each other with one of those “SEE” jabs or giving each other glaring looks that said, “That’s you!” I had the great opportunity, inadvertently set up by Mark, to make a funny comment about my wife’s Canadian citizenship to which she whacked me on the head with the brochure, to the delight and laughter of everyone.
But, this was not a light event. The subjects and the stakes are real and difficult. It will be impossible to detail all that we learned, but I will attempt to sum up the salient points that get parents off-track with raising their teens, in spite of our best intentions. Below are some of the suggestions imparted to us (my comments are in the parentheses):
We get sidetracked by things that are unimportant (example - worrying too much about the music our kids listen to, which Mark feels is totally unimportant and makes no difference in the long run).
Our goal as parents is not to control our teens but to give them control (what a great notion and how valuable it would be if we gave them control vs. coddled and spoiled them!).
When our teens mess up, we tend to approach it in a very negative manner when, instead, it should be of the “I’m here to help” vein wherein we might have a chance to be heard by them.
Conflict is a precursor to change (this was one in which I got whacked by my wife but his point is true. We often don’t want to confront our teens; we just hope the problem is really no big deal or will just go away. That’s wrong!).
Understand that your (parents) best thinking has got you in the situation you find yourself in (so he was suggesting we have to radically alter our thinking and behavior if we want substantive change with our teens).
Be intentional about your parenting: give them control of their lives, require responsibility from them, establish rules and consequences, and convey a message that you owe them nothing but want to give them everything.
Give them a message of hope: “There is nothing you can do to make me love you more; there is nothing you can do to make me love you less” (I might quibble with this one since I do think that there are some things that could affect a parent’s love).
As you can see from the above, and as I emphasize, these bullet points are just the tip of the iceberg of the wisdom shared by Mark Gregston. If you’re struggling with your teens, consider utilizing some of his many resources. No, Mark hasn’t paid me nor am I looking for a job with him. In fact, his only income comes just from his residential program for troubled adolescents. All of his other efforts are donated, from his writings and seminars to his radio show. He’s in it for the good he’s doing. And, I did secure his permission to write this column and his approval of it.
A Dad, His Son, and D’s and F’s
What parent hasn’t dreaded report card time, especially when a child is underperforming? How do two kids, born of the same genetic material, turn out so differently when it comes to school performance and their work ethic?
When is it wrong if the “problem” child gets more attention than the one who gets his work done and maintains good grades? These are questions most households face and we are definitely in the middle of them right now.
My older son, Will, is multi-talented when it comes to music and disinterested when it comes to school. He plays several instruments and is almost a walking encyclopedia of contemporary music and even knows quite a bit about music from previous generations. He’s also multi-talented at fooling me about his school-work, even though he’s clear the truth about his grades will always surface.
I’m told that teenage brains aren’t fully developed and that rational thought doesn’t actually enter their heads until their 20’s. Okay (heavy sarcasm now intended), that excuses his excuses and, therefore, I’ll just let him continue to fail some classes, do sloppy work all around, and prioritize his social life over school. He also knows that a “B” average is necessary for him to be allowed to drive or even get his driver’s permit. Just after his 16th birthday I’ve learned he’s failing English.
English! His own language. I know “English” isn’t a class about learning to speak the language, but is about learning grammar and how to write. His dad is a writer, but will he come to me for help? Nah, he can get the “F” all by himself. Now, I’m sure you’re sensing a little anger and attitude coming from your erstwhile columnist. That’s because I am angry and frustrated.
This is where the contrast between siblings is so stark. His younger brother thrives on the discipline of school and homework. He requires no supervision. In fact, he often requires persuasion to skip school for a special occasion or trip that we might have planned. He’s actually afraid of his teachers. What a quaint idea in our age where some teachers are more afraid of their students and their parents. But, too much of the household attention is focused on his brother and that just isn’t fair to David, who is doing so well in school.
I know that we have only limited control of our kids’ behavior, especially as they enter fantasyland--the teen years. I’m reminded of a good friend who went through this sort of problem with his older son. At one point, they removed everything from his room--computer, books, games, pictures, literally everything! All that was left was a bed on the floor. His beloved portable devices, cell-phone, computer, etc. were all removed. Did he change? Nope. He was more stubborn than his parents, who eventually returned most of his stuff.
This is a loving nuclear family in which mom and dad are present, involved, and care deeply for their two children. Their son eventually rebelled further and they had to send him to a wilderness rehab camp where he partially turned around. My friend says the most important lesson his son learned was an awareness of the consequences of his actions on others--a great lesson for most teens.
Now, in his middle 20’s, this young man is living on his own and supporting himself. He’s still searching for fulfillment of his career passion, and has kept the same job for a while now in that field, though not making the kind of money he’d hoped for. That passion has been consistent for a long time, as has his passion for regularly smoking marijuana. His parents believe that this is their son’s way of self-medicating his inherent personality issues.
These parents still beat themselves up over what they might have done differently. I know them well and I know their son was destined to go his own way. He’s smart, still has his head on his shoulders, has never had a problem with the law, and may pull out of this successfully, though it will never replace all the lost and graying hairs on my friend’s head. Their biggest frustration, much like mine, is knowing that their son has all the tools and all the ability, but isn’t living up to his potential.
My son respects me. I support his extraordinary musical talents, but he will suffer consequences for his recent deceptions about school. His room won’t be emptied, but his computer is now available on an “as needed” basis as I have his keyboard and mouse. His social life is limited and he’s partially grounded, while I’m continuing to support his band practices and music lessons. While his attitude reflects irritation, he also still talks to me and hasn’t resisted a single “consequence” as he does know he’s messed up. As we say in my men’s group, he’s “owned” his part in this.
Will he turn it around before he’s 18? I hope so. Is there more I should be doing? I’m still discussing that with my wife, my men’s group, and our therapist, as maybe further therapy might be another option to include in our master plan. I never said it would be easy, being a parent, nor have I ever said that this dad has all the answers.
Computer Addiction, Technology, And Me
Technology has me in its grasp. It won’t let go. It’s got me by the proverbial - what do you call those things you juggle? Is this “Computer addiction?” I didn’t realize that I was its victim until I reflected on my growing use and, yes, dependence on “My Tech!” But, saying I’m its “victim” is a large exaggeration since I’m really its beneficiary and it has changed my life, mostly for the better. My second career is a total result of the opportunities that modern technology and “Social Media” provide.
My younger son recently said to me, simply and with no malice, “Dad, you’re completely addicted to your computer! See, it’s there in the back seat. You’re always on it.” Of course I protested that it’s my work and it isn’t “Always.” I replied that wasn’t that the same exaggeration I do when I accuse him of “always” watching too much television? He just gave me a look. His take on me, technology, and the fact that he’s a teen and I’m his dad, is reflected in his “It’s a Tech World After All” cartoons that he created for BoomerTechTalk.com.
On my recent trip to Southeast Asia, I bought a “package” of Internet time on the cruise ship. The speed was lousy and the cost was outrageous. I mean “Outrageous!” I complained as if this was a life-threatening issue. I got extra minutes. But, wait a minute, it isn’t a life-threatening issue and I was supposed to be on vacation!
So, what is the truth, the reality for technology and me? Well, let’s start with the fact that I love my second career as a writer, radio show host, first time book author, and website co-creator. I get up every morning, between 5:00 a.m. and 6:00 a.m., no matter when I’ve gone to sleep, and can’t wait to check my e-mails, see what website comments have been posted, choose and post my twice-a-day musing on my “A Dad’s Point-of-View Facebook page, read any twitter mentions that may have been posted, schedule my round of tweets for the day, chat with a friend across the globe, and/or just begin writing something new. Yipes, I’m out of breath just writing and reading that last sentence!
I have a smart phone that I check every 10-15 seconds or so when I’m away from my laptop. While in Southeast Asia, I was as excited by the occasional free Wi-Fi we occasionally stumbled upon in some port as I was by the extraordinary sites and other experiences we had. I sat on ledges, in those ports, with my laptop in my lap, alongside the cruise crew who were doing the same thing and video chatting (via Skype, iChat, or another program) or regular text chatting with their friends and family.
No, I’m not addicted. My Boomer Tech Talk partner's reaction to this notion was, "To me: addiction would be someone who is truly not working and is sitting on Farmville (note: Farmville is a popular online game)." It is my job. I'm in a start-up period with my first book just published (go to “the Store” at BruceSallan.com to get info and/or purchase “A Dad’s Point-of-View: We ARE Half the Equation”), my radio show growing, and the continued work on Boomer Tech Talk. It’s just temporary.
The fact that it’s been like this for over two years doesn't really matter, don’t you think? Hmmm. Hold on a sec, I’m getting a text.
I’m back. My wife is calling me down for dinner now. “Hang on,
Honey, I need to finish this great column I’m writing.”
Point, set, match. I am attached, to use a kinder word. And, like every other addiction or obsession in life, we must find balance and boundaries. I love what technology is giving to me, and to my work. But, life is more than e-mails, texts, URLs, Twitter, and Facebook. Isn’t it?
Technology is an inescapable and wonderful part of modern life. It can help everyone with his or her work, to communicate better with friends and family, and to even be a better parent. Yet, life has a Ying/Yang balance that must not be ignored when one thing becomes too dominant in a daily routine or that someone really can’t do without it.
Isn’t that the real test? Can I do without “My Tech?” The answer is mixed. When I’m skiing, I’m in heaven and not thinking about the next article, e-mail, text, or Tweet. But, when I’m on the lifts, I’m checking my “smart phone” regularly.
I need to improve on that balance and put my technological toys and tools away more often when they’ve got me in their grip. I think I’m going to read a book now…(after dinner)…”I’m coming, Honey…”
Why Guys Hate Valentine’s Day
No one could ever accuse me of being too PC (politically correct). I’m always willing to also address the inherent differences between the sexes, in honest and frank ways. Not only do I hate Valentines Day, I hate using the word, “gender” in place of “sex” when referring to men and women. Sometimes I use “gender” just to avoid the letters I’m bound to receive from the PC police, but since I’m taking on Valentine’s Day, I might as well go for it all at once.
The reality is that men and women are different. Most married couples learn this pretty quickly. Then, if they have children, that learning process speeds up ever so much faster. If they are blessed with having boys and girls, they graduate to a full understanding of how much the sexes are inherently different unless, of course, they’ve attended a women’s studies graduate program. Then, they actually might believe that if you give a little girl a toy truck she’ll enjoy it as much as a little boy would a toy doll.
But, those parents I referred to earlier know exactly what happens when you do that. The little boy will tear off the toy dolls head, while the little girls will name the toy truck some cute name and take very good care of it.
Now, while I’m making these gross generalities and potentially irritating some readers, I’ll acknowledge that there are obviously exceptions to everything I’ve just written. But generalities, just like clichés, become generalities because they are generally true, just as clichés become clichés because of their ubiquity. I just love that word.
The reason that men hate Valentine’s Day, “generally,” is very much because of the inherent differences between men and women, which is why women love Valentine’s Day so much. There is no day that more dramatizes our differences than Valentine’s Day. The pressure men feel is so intense that most men would rather go to war than face the wrath of choosing the wrong gift, making the wrong plans, or in any way messing up on what we know is this extra special day to our women.
The fact that we don’t get it is irrelevant. We are smart enough to know “they” do. The bombardment from Madison Avenue most certainly doesn’t help. We just survived the Christmas and New Year’s holidays when the jewelers start torturing us with their commercials. And those guys in those commercials seem to know exactly what to do!
Hallmark begins with their treacle commercials that nauseate many men. Then, our women begin with the hints. The problem is that our women’s hints are so subtle that they go over our heads. Women, pay attention, please. If you don’t hit us over the head, we won’t get the hint. Trust me on this, I beg you!
The fun continues for us in the card shop. Do we get a funny one; do we get a serious one? Do we get one of those musical cards, but what is her favorite song of the moment? Flowers? I don’t remember which color rose is her favorite! Does she even like roses? Flowers just make no sense to me. They die in a few days. What kind of sense does that make? Besides, the vacuum is on its last legs. Wouldn’t that make more sense?
Okay, I’m not that lame. I wish that would work, as it is practical. But, it won’t. I think she gave me a hint about something, the other day, but I’m not so sure. It probably was jewelry as it usually is, but I can’t tell the difference between a good piece of jewelry and cubic zirconium. Heck, for the price of a good diamond, we could get a new flat screen TV and spend hours watching Monday Night Football or even those silly romantic comedies my wife loves so much. What’s wrong with that?
Everything, and I know it. And, it’s those differences that make the sexes work, those differences that make it all so interesting, so much fun, and so frustrating at times. Jewelry. What is it good for…absolutely nothing. Where is Edwin Starr* when I need him?
I really do hate Valentine’s Day, as do most men. But, when I get it right, I’m happy, because then my wife’s happy, then she makes my life pretty happy and, to quote her, “Happy wife, happy life.”
So, this coming Valentine’s Day, maybe I’ll be off the hook as we’re going to be on vacation AND I invited her parents to come with us! Shouldn’t that be good enough?
Okay, which jewelry store should I go to first? Actually, I’ve learned better than even going to a jewelry story as I learned this past Christmas, which happens to coincide with our wedding anniversary. We went to the mall. I brought my laptop. My wife went shopping. She came back and told me what I’d bought her for our anniversary and Christmas. I was smart enough not to ask the price. She was happy. Happy wife, Happy life….
*Edwin Starr performed the song “War” with the lyrics, “War, huh, what is it good for…absolutely nothing…” in 1969.
What I Will Leave My Boys
The recent death of Steve Jobs was yet another stark reminder of the fragility of life. No matter how rich or famous you are, the grim reaper does not care. While I won’t admit how close in age Jobs and I are, I will admit that I fully recognize that my life could end any moment, though I pray it doesn’t. There is still too much to do, see, and too much work left to do.
But, as we never know, I’d like to leave some takeaways for my boys. Some call this sort of thing, “a living will.” Why do we only leave our loved ones our money and our things? Why not leave them something much more precious: our beliefs and whatever wisdom we may have learned on our journey of life?
So, herewith, are my takeaways for my two boys, who are now 15 and 18. They are full of life, full of promise, full of hormones and teenage cockiness. I hope I’m around to watch their journey, but just in case…
Tikkun Olam -Repair the World
Tikkun Olam is a Jewish phrase that literally means to “Repair the World.” I believe that it is our obligation as human beings to do whatever we can to make the world a better place. Boys, please do your part, too.
Fight For Meaning In Your Life
The Occupy Wall Street protests are an example of fighting for nothing. There are real fights to be fought. Please choose the battles that matter and stand up for what you know is right. Don’t just follow along because it looks like fun.
What Goes Around Comes Around
I love clichés. Why? Because clichés are mostly based on common sense and real life experience. While ultimate justice is not always clear on this earth, I sincerely do believe that one way or another whatever you do will come back to haunt you. So, be kind, be considerate, and don’t waste your energy on revenge or hate.
Always Open the Door
I don’t care what is Politically Correct; open the door for every woman you encounter. Treat the women in your life like they’re special. Pick up the tab, be a gentleman, be a man.
Your Word Is Your Bond
Say what you mean, mean what you say, and keep your word. Don’t make any promise that you don’t intend to keep.
Give and You Always Get
The more you give in life, the more you will receive. It’s amazing how this karma works. You’ve seen the beauty of my mentoring our friend with a fatal illness. You’ve also seen the length of my relationship with my by now 30-something “Little Sister,” who I became a Big Brother to when she was eight. Who can you help? Who can you mentor?
Don’t Take It Personally
The world does not revolve around you. Don’t take it all so personally. Most of the time, IT has nothing to do with you!
Sleep On It
Whenever you are upset, don’t respond in the moment. Whether a friend or a loved one has seemingly hurt you, or a job has reached the breaking point, sleep on it. Whatever you think you HAVE to do right now, you can still do tomorrow.
This Too Shall Pass
You’ve heard me say this numerous times. This too shall pass applies to both the good and the bad in your life. When things look dire, just give it some time and it will likely improve. When things are grand, reflect on that joy, enjoy it, and realize that the good times will also likely pass.
Words Hurt, Words Heal
Gossip is something that cannot be repaired. The words you use can heal or hurt. Choose them wisely. Like a leaf in the wind, a mean comment gets dispersed and is impossible to retrieve. Why put that negative energy out there?
Have Faith in God, Embrace Love
We are living in very secular times. Not believing in a greater good -God- means life has less meaning. Where do our values come from if not from God? Where does morality come from if not a higher power? Without God, life has less meaning and anything and any behavior can be justified. And, without love in your life, there is little joy. Embrace God, find love.
Gratitude IS the Key to Happiness
Dennis Prager wrote a wonderful book on happiness and his incredibly valuable lesson within it is that the key to happiness IS gratitude. Without gratitude there is little chance for happiness. Every morning when you arise, thank God for the blessing of a new day. Every day you feel well, thank God that you are healthy. Every meal you enjoy, appreciate.
Boys, you see me prance around the house singing Elvis songs and other nonsense. Laugh and enjoy life but also remember these reflections, because the real joy in life is not the fun you have, but the good will you create and the positive impact you will have on the world. I love you.
No Virginia, There Is No Such Thing As Quality Time
One of my very first A Dad’s Point-of-View columns addressed the issue of Quality Time. It has become an “evergreen,” one of the columns that I believe has enduring value and that I send out to all new papers and web sites when they begin carrying my work. It’s an evergreen because it is SO true. Forget what you read in new age parenting books about Quality Time. There is NO SUCH THING.
In that first column, I shared two examples of how quantity time resulted in quality time with my younger son. Both cases were not planned and both examples were open-ended as it related to time. Kids have their own timetable about opening up and it’s not something you can schedule like their dentist or doctor appointments.
Here are a few excerpts from that column, verbatim, which I continue to believe have merit:
~~ I keep learning this great lesson. It’s something I know, but seem to have to experience repeatedly for it to sink into my stubborn head. With kids, there’s no such thing as quality time, only quantity time.
~~ Some people actually believe they can schedule quality time with their kids -moments when their kids will open up, reveal what’s really going on, and share. They want to schedule this time the way they schedule a business lunch. But, kids don’t work on these kinds of schedules. They open up when they’re good and ready, and it’s usually when you least expect it.
~~ (This excerpt followed the examples that were in the original column): What a lesson in attitude for this Dad. What a lesson for all relationships! When you show up with an open heart, an open mind, and focus on your child instead of yourself, you have every opportunity to win, to bond. This is the quality time we all strive for, though it was the quantity of time together that allowed the quality time to surface.
The busy schedules we all live in today’s crazy world often leaves us less time than we’d like to spend on what we all know are the important things. No one ever says on their deathbed that they wished they’d worked more. They say they wish they’d spent more time with their loved ones.
I like to call parenting a “Lease-option deal” because we get to actively parent, hopefully, not much more than 20 years per child. And, since most families in Western culture average no more than two children, that means your opportunity to parent may literally be just a quarter of your life. Make it matter. There are no do-overs!
Because many families believe they require a dual-income household, and many really do, the time spent at home and with the kids is thus parceled out in often-limited quantities. When the dual-working family emerged and when women in the work place increased, the entire notion of Quality Time was created. It’s bunk, pure and simple.
Nothing has changed with children. They still need and want quantity time with dad and mom. Young children haven’t chosen to enter the work force or decided that they required new cars, new clothes, new tech, newer homes, etc. that some dual working families believe is necessary. Children require love, time, and their parents.
Visit any third-world country and you will see the same scene everywhere: children playing in the streets, making games out of boxes, running, singing, jumping, having fun. It may stun some of our spoiled kids to see how much fun these kids can have without any of the goodies our kids have!
All of which brings us back to what works with children. What works is time. Lots of time. Nothing complicated, nothing academic, and nothing that requires much more than common sense. No higher degree is required to sit and play with your children.
My boys are both teenagers. Don’t feel bad for me. You will be there, too, someday. With teens, your chances of knowing what is really going on are between remote and forgetaboutit. The more you are around them; the more likely they may let their guard down and let you in. The issues around teens are more important than ever with the constantly encroaching world stealing whatever little bit of innocence that remains for young people.
This makes being the best parent you can be all the more problematic. Your only chance is to be there -a LOT! The frank reality is that being the best parent you can be is not difficult unless you want to squeeze it in between appointments. If that is the parent you want to be, get a pet. The moment you’ve brought a new life into the world, that life that human being, deserves your full attention. That is quantity time, period the end…
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